Cogito Ergo Cum

HOME

2010-08-13T08:58:00.000-07:00

The Banyan Trees are organizing a short story writing competition with the theme being What does ‘Home’ mean to you? Is it your roots? Is it where you are from? Is it the different places life has taken you? Is it the journey itself? Or is it just a place you stay right now? So, I have written a story for the theme home. Please read the story and comment on the blog as even the comments here and on facebook will be considered in judging the best story. Hope you enjoy reading it. Here is the story.

“Machan, when is the interval da?” asked Pradeep in a hushed tone. Even in the dark one could not mistake his scowl and contempt at the umpteenth song which was playing before the interval. There was the usual hero worship song to start off followed by one were the hero hums a sentimental tune expressing his love for his mother. Pradeep wanted to strangulate the director at this point when a noisy five year old kid sitting on his mother’s lap screamed “Amma, Appa is rubbing his legs against mine!” helped Pradeep overcome the nausea created by the director’s creativity.

Pradeep suddenly felt a sharp pang in his abdomen. It was nature’s call and he had to address it immediately. He tried to place himself in different positions, even tried to close his eyes for a while. Alas, none of it would work, the call wouldn’t budge.

“Machan, when is the interval da?” asked Pradeep in a hushed tone.

“In another ten minutes da. Why what’s the matter?” asked Venkat.

“Urgenttttttttt Daaa!” said Pradeep barely able to hold back the rush to let his dam burst right then.

“Machan, if we get up now some Peter will scold us da, this is PVR, remember?” replied back Venkat.

“What to do now?” asked Pradeep, remembering with horror the days of his childhood when he would wet the bed. He was desperately hoping he wouldn’t wet the seat here.
There was silence from Venkat’s end for five minutes.

“Machan, go now da, it is time for some child sentiment song, were the hero will wash some kid’s arse and impress the heroine. People won’t say anything if you get up now” said Venkat breaking the uncomfortable silence.

This was what Pradeep wanted to hear and as he was about to leave his seat, Venkat murmured saying “I’ll also come da”.

As the song was playing both of them made their way out of the hall and approached the swanky restroom. Pradeep’s urgency was greater even than an athlete nearing his finish post. He walked furiously inside leaving Venkat chasing him. As they entered the restroom, Pradeep felt a vague unfamiliarity with the restroom.

“Machan, there seems to be none of the standing commodes that we usually have da” said Pradeep in a slightly confused tone.

“Hey this is PVR da, hip place, so no standing one’s. See da, they have built so many bathrooms. Just use them” said Venkat as he approached the washed basin and washed his face. Pradeep put away the weird feeling he had about the place and rushed to the nearest bathroom. If ever there was a competition for Fastest Unzipping of Pants, Pradeep would have won it hands down, I mean pants down.

“Aaaaahhhhh” he exclaimed with sheer relief as he drained his seven seas.

“Ahh, Machan, what a feeling da. This feeling is as good as the one we have after we come home for our semester holidays and have mom’s food.” exclaimed Pradeep as he was still flushing out barrels of hidden salty wealth. Continuing to drain his tank, he realized there was no response from Venkat.

“Venkat, are you there?” asked Pradeep. Suddenly, he felt his phone vibrate and with one hand holding his little brother, he carefully took his phone out from his pocket, lest it be rendered to the flotsam category washed away with the seven seas. The phone was a Nokia 1100; a gift from his mother. He was done with his seven seas draining and happily flushed them away while zipping up his pant. He then looked at the phone screen and to his surprise he found that the caller was Venkat. In the background he heard female voices. He thought he was hallucinating due to holding his pee for such a long duration. On one hand he could feel the phone vibrate and on the other he could hear woman’s voices. He let himself out of the bathroom and pressed the answer button.

“What da, you wanted some holy water from inside aa? Planning to become Moraji Desai aa” barked Ashwin on the phone.

“Idiot”, thundered Venkat, “Moraji had his own da not from others. Oh no, what am I blabbering” said Venkat, desperation in his voice.

“Machan, don’t come out da from the bathroom. Please Machan. Please da. Stay there” pleaded Venkat.

“I am already out da” said Pradeep adjusting his pants wondering why Venkat was so tensed.

“Oh no, Machan” cried Venkat, “it’s a Ladies restroom da. Somehow hide yourself inside”. Pradeep slowly turned around to see an army of fat women, fatter than those who feature in the Saas Bahu soaps. He froze in his tracks as he saw them march forward menacingly.

“How dare you enter a ladies restroom” thundered a lady who looked like the kind who would beat her husband daily with the Chapathi rolling stick.

“Attaaaaaaccckkkkkk” he heard a scream and to his horror found all the ladies charge at him in unison. He realized there was no way out .And then, it happened, all of it in slow motion. WHAM, BHAM, SLAM. And when he thought everything was over, one lady declared “Let us cut his d*** off. He should never be able to use a toilet again”. It was a real horror show and he screamed out as loud as he could “Ammaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!”

“Pradeep” screamed his mother, shaking him vigorously.

“Why are you shouting like this in the middle of the night?” Pradeep was up on his toes in a moment. He could see his mother scream. It was a dream.

“What happened da?” asked his concerned mother.

“Amma, I understood what the term Ditching your friend when you see a figure meant” said Pradeep with a smile on his face.

“What?” asked his perplexed mother, adding “There are no figures here Pradeep. Only ME. This is your home. Now sleep”.

He was tucked away safely in the comfort of his home. It was then he realized what home meant to him. A place where he had the freedom to dream. A place which could even resist a black hole. A dream within a dream. Home.

LinkedIn - Wish My Page Looks Like This

2010-04-09T11:50:00.000-07:00

Ah!Yes, I am going to present to you something interesting about the mostly corporate blade website LinkedIn.The landscape of LinkedIn has started to change, lots of people are active on it and by that virtue have turned it into a public bathroom. Be it the nauseating Mutually Admiring Recommendations written or the links which people put up to portray themselves intellectual. More people are flocking LinkedIn due to the simple fact that other websites are blocked at office. I have had enough of this nonsense. I just have a secret wish. I wish my LinkedIn page looks like the one below.Please click on the pic to see it in a enlarged version. Please let me how can I put up a version which can be readable on the blog itself. Is there any other means to publish it on blogger? If nothing works then I will have to put up the individual photo frames I guess.Help.

I really wish one day when I open LinkedIn it looks like this :-). Hope you had fun reading it. I tried to cover as much as I could. I know the imaging editing using Javascript wasnt great but this is the best I could come up with. Hope you had fun.

P.S. :- This is inspired by Krish Ashok's Facebook Mahabharatha. I know this pales in comparison to the technical brilliance and the humour but that's why he is the Master. The final photoshop work was done by my brother Arjun. Thank you.

Cheers
Ashwin

300ml Down

2010-04-06T03:35:00.000-07:00

I feel very giddy right now. What do you expect after you are 300ml down? I can see angels swimming all round me, well they aren't angels exactly, HR people to be more precise. The weird thing about all this is, it happened right at office. Can you beat that? My boss knows I am 300ml down and he is pretty cool about it. While I am finding my way about in the corridor, people are asking me a concerned "Are you OK?".Before you start sending me your 'Achieved strategic turnaround for my project in less than turnaround time' type CV's in the hope that you too can be 300ml down during office hours with the consent of your male boss (I've never had a female boss), let me clear the air.

I am 300ml down in the total blood content in my body. This would be a real shock cum surprise for my mother who believes that the Coovam's tributary flows through my body. The reason for the loss of 300ml of blood in my body is not due to me slashing wrists for some imaginary lover nor did I get whacked by some HR colleague of mine. There was a mail this morning which stated that some children needed blood and if you have blood running in your veins (Coovam in my case), Just Do It. I could sense the blood rising in me just like the Coovam does when it rains in Chennai. I could imagine all those children rallying in the streets chanting my name, the strong saviour, the Coovam Warrior, the Subhash Chandra Bose who gave his blood. Well you get the idea. This stirred me into action and I went straight to the conference hall where the blood donation camp was being organized. I walked in like Madhavan in Anbe Sivam and said "Take My Blood". I was promptly thrown out by the Doctor who asked me to first take my shoes off and come in.

I was given a form where I had to disclose extremely sensitive information like weight, sex life (WTF????). I saw one guy throwing me the "Ha Ha you loser look", at which point I felt like asking him "Do you do it with Men?" but wisely decided not to as I could get booked under "Disrespect for Article 377". With such embarrassment of riches, I filled the form and stepped inside. I was asked to lie down on the bed and fold my sleeves up. It was precisely at this point that I decided to ask the most important question. "How much blood will you like take doctor?". I was already nervous by this point. The doctor said that they would draw 300ml, not a ml more nor less.

Shit! That was equivalent to 5 large's of whisky. I was also hoping that they had the measurer with them, the bar measurer you know 60ml on the top, 30ml by the bottom. That is the only metric in the world that I would trust my life upon not even those one's in the French Museum. But alas there was no measurer here and I had to be content with the plastic bottle where my blood would be collected.There was a gentle prick on my left hand and before I knew it it was flowing drop by drop. I realized that at this rate it would take an hour before I was done. So I decided to strike conversation with the doc.

Me: Say Doc if my blood finds it way to some unfortunate kid, will he/she behave like me by any remote chance?
Doc: No chance, nothing of that sort will happen. Why do you ask?
Me: No I am a little worried if I would find some stranger kid running up to me and calling me Appa.
Doc: (Pauses for a minute) There is no chance of that happening. Your file says your sex life is non-existent and we don't disclose to anyone whose blood they are being transfused with.
Me: ?@#*&^%$.

This was a true Don't-Open-Your-Mouth-Again moment. But alas I did it again but in a different way. Realizing that I would only add to my long list of Most Embarrassing Moments I decided to keep quite and started staring at the bottle containing my blood. It was at this time I started doing a segmentation analysis of my blood content. If the 300ml were broken down into parts, I am sure it would consist of the following :-
1. Absinthe - 60ml (Ha Ha I have been having Absinthe. Take that you losers)
2. Whisky - 60ml
3. Beer - 60ml
4. Coovam - 60ml
5. Sambhar - 60ml
The last one being due to my fondness for Sambhar especially the one prepared by Amma. Once I had done this segmentation, I was thinking at the kind of target audience that they had to find. You don't find Absynth too easily in India, so I rule that out. Whisky and Beer, yes. Any Tom, Dick & Harry would fit the bill. Like minded shameless, getting scolded my mother types would fit the bill for Coovam. The last one is the easiest. Any mama/mami in and around Mylapore would fit the bill.

But this takes us to other important questions like this blood was going to be transfused to poor, unsuspecting, soon to be hero worshipping me children. Before you get all worked up, they check for alcohol content in the blood and mine was stamped as Agmark Pure Quality, the blood I meant. And i forget to mention, through all this I managed to sleep for a while. And to my shock I see some random guy clicking away my pic to glory. I was lying there open mouth, jollu vazhinjufying (Salivating), one arm in needle and an idiot clicked me right on such a pose. I have a feeling that the doctor might have made money by asking all the employees to stand in a line to watch this magificient spectacle. I asked the idiot to pass the camera to me and found the picture of mine that was taken. Unfortunately it was a fundoo camera and it looked like I was trying to fondle a three boobed woman rather than a person trying to locate the delete option.

If there is one thing I have learnt from all of this - A gadget is a source of perennial embarrassment to me. I better stick to my Sony Ericsson camera. Sigh.

P.S. : I did manage to delete the picture after some random pressing of buttons :-). Aall Izz Well.

Vijay Mallya says KF gives more Buzz than Google Buzz

2010-02-17T09:15:00.000-08:00

Liquor baron Vijay Mallya has proclaimed that his beer, King Fisher gave a bigger buzz than Google Buzz.

"Having KF during a hot summer afternoon gives a better buzz than anything else including Google's".
"You also need not have any net connection to get this buzz", he added, thus showing off his immaculate knowledge of the IT space.

Moments after this news was announced other premier international brands like Budweiser started proclaiming that their beer gave the best buzz leaving Google's Marketing Team wondering whether their beer, errrr their brand was getting diluted.

Meanwhile Salman Khan has come out in support of Vijay Mallya, stating, "I truly agree with Vijay as I personally know the buzz which KF gave me on that fateful night when I cursed Aishwarya and ran over some pavement dwellers". He also said that RC Bangalore was the best team at the IPL.

Cricketer Muralitharan has responded to Salman's comments saying that Chennai Super Kings were the best team. Teary eyed he said, " I can never forget that journey on that bus". When informed that topic in question was Google Buzz, the latest Gillette Mach 4 Super Blade Anti-Social tool from Google, he was not available for comments.

In his inimitable way Ravi Shahtri has made himself available for comments even when it was not required. Commentating in the Ind Vs SA match he said, "There is only change in the Indian team with Laxman coming in and Shreesanth has missed the bus" and also for the sake of humour added," A hundred is a hundred is a hundred, at the Eden".

Aamir Khan to act in My Name Is Also Khan (MNIAK)

2010-02-12T13:01:00.000-08:00

The First Idiot of Bollywood is all set to act in Karan Johar's latest movie My Name Is Also Khan (MNIAK). This is the first time a director has two latest movies as MNIK has just hit the screens with the Shiv Sena bowing to the public demands for release of the movie. The viewership though would be limited only to Ajmal Kasab - The Cute Terrorist. Bala Sahib has defended this move of his by saying, " This is the best punishment we can give to Kasab. He will surely turn Autistic by end of the movie and will hence help spread hope, joy, brotherhood etc."

This news has come as a major shock for Shahrukh Khan as it broke his bubble of being the supreme narcissist on the face of this planet. Well informed sources say that Karan Johar was forced into making this movie due to Aamir's idiotic behaviour during the premiere of MNIK. "Is my name not Khan too? Is my name not Khan too?", he went on screaming and added " Where is justice in this world? Even I want to state the obvious and tell to the world that My Name Is Also Khan".

Facing a potentially embarassing situation, KJ acted on the spot and came up with this 2 minute poster of My Name Is Also Khan.

When informed that the poster had more than a uncanny resemblance to MNIK, KJ brushed off the suggestions saying,"You know my latest trend in movie making. I make the same movie again with different actors like how I did with New York and Kurbaan".

"This time I have gone ahead a step and decided to morph the poster itself as I have other commitments with SRK", he also added for good measure. This led to a huge commotion in the press room as there was a sudden rush of actors like Salman Khan, Saif Ali Khan, Imran Khan etc. thumping their chests and screaming "My Name Is Also Khan". This led to the fastest signing of MoU's with the various actors to make the sequels of My Name Is Also Khan. The sequels, KJ announced would be done in descending order of stupidity thus giving Salman the privilege of being the lead in My Name Is Also Khan - II. Rumours are already afloat with regards to Zaheer Khan being offered the lead in the 16th Edition of MNIAK.

The news of MNIAK and it's sequels have trigerred off a panic wave in Pakistan with reports of violence being reported from various parts of the Pakistan Cricket Board (PCB). According to reports just coming in from Pakistan, players like Ex-Future Captain Younis Khan has accused India of once again neglecting Pakistani players and Pakistanis in general,in no particular order. Lalit Modi in hiss ussual lissping sstyle hass denied any involvement in thiss inssident.

In a completely unrelated incident Evander Holyfield, the former heavy weight boxing world champion is in talks with Rakesh Roshan for his latest venture "He Bit My Kaan".

Shiv Sena Protests against release of Valentine's Day in New York

2010-02-11T10:31:00.000-08:00

Mumbai based political party Shiv Sena has decided to protest against the release of the Hollywood movie Valentine’s Day starring Jessica Alba. This is in complete contrast to their usual stand of attacking only Autistic people like SRK, Big B within the country. When contacted, Balasahib father of Udhav Thackrey and Udhav Thackrey son of Balasahib, said

“We will not allow the western culture to affect western countries too from now. Enough is enough. So far we have been against anything related to Valentine’s Day and someone has the balls to make a movie on that name. We are going to destroy all movie halls in Mumbai protesting the movie’s release in New York”.

“But Baba was that not for MNIK”, said an always confused looking Udhav.

“Shut Up. We are jobless here in Mumabi. No one is giving us a damn these days and hence we have to go global”, beamed an excited Balasahib.

“For how long can we be only in Mumbai and India, I have also never seen US and in this way we can extend our vote bank too”, told Baba in complete ingnorance of the fact that only Indian Citizens err Mumbai Citizens could vote for him. When pointed to this Even-a-10thclass- school- kid-knows-it-fact, Baba in his inimitable style reeked off a completely unrelated “Mumbai Jalega” threat.

Baba also gave a detailed power point presentation to a shell-shocked media in which he outlined the strategy to capture the US market, the excerpts of which are produced below.

“We are going to make all the people who are going to watch Valentine’s Day watch MNIK too.”

On asked whether did he not protest against the release MNIK in India, Baba retorted back saying, “ Who ever will watch that movie will become autistic for sure due to SRK’s extra ordinary overacting which even surpasses the non-maratha actor Shivaji Ganeshan. We want to save India errrr Mumbai from becoming Autistic. We are doing our motherland a service and also want to show that we Marathi’s are second to none at using Office 2007”.

When queried on the small issue of transportation of thousands of Shiv Sainiks to the US, Bala Sahib replied saying, “ If they do not let us in there Mumbai jalega and all the costs will be borne by SRK”, which left journalists wondering if this was the Marketing Plan which the great Prof. Arindham Choudary of IIPM fame had proposed to SRK in favour of him hosting the most Expensive B-School Quiz ever in India.

In a completely unrelated incident, Pakistan’s former Captain Imran Khan voiced his support for the release of My Name Is Khan in Pakistan. Other people like the Other Khans of Bollywood, Akram Kham ( Ex. Chubby Bangladeshi Captain),Wasim Khan (Terrorist in the movie Roja), Khan Abdul Gaffar Khan expressed their solidarity for the movie thus increasing the Narcissism Quotient (NQ) of the world by 10 basis points.

Pools of Drool

2009-08-18T13:58:00.000-07:00

I am a kid, still growing up
And this was the first time I saw it at school
A boy talking to a girl and standing in a pool
The longing in his eyes.. a pool of his own drool
Spit it out.. Pools of Drool

Time flies by, but some things do not change
The low waist saree of the teacher, well within the class's range
Unblinking and open mouthed,the first bencher looked on
Waiting for a chance - Dusk until Dawn
Spit it out... Pools of Drool

Would things change at college? - I start as a junior
Grass is always greener on the other side - take a look at the senior
Dusky and tall, looking taller by her heels
A river seems to be flowing nearby, everyone feels
Spit it out.. Pools of Drool

Husky toned, she asks "Sir, Can I go home? It is getting late"
She knew the dam would open and laid the bait
The nasal tone and the inviting look opened the gate
Well, I thought, Who am I to change his fate?
Spit it out... Pools of drool

I think of her day and night
This was my best chance to hold her tight
I go near her... and I am hit by a fellow
"Get Up" - Appa screams "and clean that thing of your pillow"
Oh No... after all this...
Pools of Drool.. Pools of Drool...

P.S:- This was inspired by an incident I happened to see at the bus stand :-)

21 GRAMS

2009-04-28T08:40:00.000-07:00

WARNING: This is a very big story. Hope you read it. And for those uninitiated with Tamil, here are couple of things that will help you while reading this.
Appa - Father
Amma - Mother
Paati - Grandmother

“What did you do?” asked the big man in not a so friendly tone. Not as friendly as Daddy’s at least. Amma just went out of the room for some water. He repeated the question to me in a higher pitch. I told him “Uncle, I can hear you. Please do not shout. Daddy might wake up.” I suddenly felt something sting my cheeks, like some iron box had been pressed on them to take the creases away. I realized I was crying. I did not know why. I dint know why this big fat idiot uncle slapped me.
“Wait I will go and complain to appa, then you will know” I said in between sobs.
Luckily for me Amma entered the room at the same time and I ran to hug her. Amma was also crying for some reason. Amma always cried when I cried. I shouldn’t have been surprised with her crying now, but Amma was not there when I started to cry.
“Amma, why are you crying?” I asked.
“What happened to your cheek” Amma asked suddenly. I sullenly pointed a finger at the big man.
“You bastard, how dare you hit my daughter!” she shrieked at the big man. I heard this word ‘Bastard’ somewhere. I could not recollect. And then I remembered. Rahul kept using this word in the class and Geetha Miss punished him for saying it. She said “I will throw acid in your mouth, if you ever utter that word again”.
“Amma don’t use that word ma, Geetha Miss will punish you” I said. I was scared Geetha Miss would throw acid into Amma’s mouth. But Amma throws acid into the toilet’s mouth and when I asked her why she did that – “To clean it ladu” was her reply.
“I will throw you out of your department, you bastard!!” Amma screamed at the top of her lungs.
“Amma use that word again ma, keep telling that only. The more no of times you tell that Geetha Miss will have more work to do and she might get tired and not come to school at all” I screamed in delight. I was so happy at Amma using that word again because I don’t think Amma has had the time to brush her teeth. So Geetha Miss pouring some acid will help it get cleaner.
“But Madame, she was not replying to anything we asked…” the big man mumbled. Amma clearly looked like the school teacher who is going to give a beating.
“She is a small kid you Bastard, get lost from here, all of you bastards” said Amma suddenly wailing all over again. I was so happy Amma was using it again and again. I was crying two minutes back and I was suddenly jumping again now after seeing Amma shout at them. But Amma was crying.
“I am extremely sorry Madame, but please ask your daughter to co-operate”, the big man’s tone was lot less harsh than earlier.
“Ladu, please answer their questions ma. Please…”, words trailed off as Amma started to sob again. My grandmother joined us and she also started to cry.
“No ma, I won’t”, I said firmly. For no reason Amma slapped me so hard that I started to cry again and as I expected Amma also started to cry all over again seeing me cry.
“Please da ladu, please tell them whatever you know”, said Amma, sorrow written all over face like alphabets on our blackboard.
“K ma, I will to talk that big fat uncle whom you called with that B word”, I agreed trying to wipe off that mischievous smile on my face as the Bourn vita kids do after they have a glass of it. I also told Amma that I would complain to daddy about the big man who slapped me. Amma started to cry again. I was wondering why there was so much of confusion all around, people were running everywhere. Amma was crying, grandma was crying, everyone was crying in rhythmic bursts. Rhythm is something which has a constant noise to it and expands slowly and explodes suddenly. This cycle if it keeps repeating, rhythm is found. That’s what daddy told me when I asked him, “Appa, what does it mean when they say Ishant Sharma is in good rhythm?” I dint understand it then, now I could clearly understand it, in fact even see it. The way they were crying, the way they would blow their noses against their pallu and look at me like they were seeing a ghost and start crying all over again. They did this six times in two minutes. I can say two minutes because Appa taught me that if I count 1 to 60 it would be a minute and how many times I counted 1 to 60, that many were the minutes. I counted twice and I knew I had to tell it to Appa. I don’t know why I started to count. I think it was because the big man told me, “I will give you two minutes to come and sit here so that we can ask you some questions.” So I started to count and I observed the rhythm. My mother’s eyes were pleading me to go and sit on that chair. It was always like that on the mornings before I went to school – her eyes. “Please da ladu, eat little more da.”, she would say and I always loved that look in Amma’s eyes. The moment she did that the food would disappear like magic. So like the Hutch Puppy I too followed Amma’s eyes instantly and went and sat on that chair.
I could see Appa behind in the background. I tried to catch his eye, but the big man shut the door to Appa’s room.
“Now tell me what happened. I want to know everything. You understand what I am saying. EVERYTHING” said the big man opening his mouth like a crocodile while telling EVERYTHING. I felt like grabbing Amma’s nose blown handkerchief and dumping it at exactly the moment he said EVERYTHING.
“From Madras I should tell EVERYTHING till Hyderabad?” I asked trying to make the same crocodile mouth expression and shuddered at the thought of having a nose blown handkerchief in my own mouth.

I always go to Madras during my summer holidays. I have lots of cousins with whom I can play. Amma also comes with me and we stay at Paati’s place for a month and then go back to Hyderabad because I have to attend school. Appa does not come with us and stays alone at Hyderabad, but regularly calls and talks to me. I miss Appa during summer holidays but don’t miss him so much because there is beach and there are cousins with whom I can play on the beach. I always ask Appa, “Why is there no beach in Hyderabad?” He told me if there was a beach in Hyderabad then I would never go to meet paati and never get to play with my cousins. I smiled back at him and after that I never wanted a beach in Hyderabad. Appa always had an answer for everything, not even Geetha Miss knew so much. Appa also knew the B word. I heard him use it once on the phone. I never told anyone about that because I was scared that Geetha Miss would pour acid into Appa’s mouth. But at that time Amma never told me why she poured acid into the toilet’s mouth.
Krishna and I were playing cricket on Sunday morning. Somehow Krishna always batted and I could never get him out. He used to even win the toss. I decided to complain to paati that day because it was the sixth time he was continuously batting.
“Paaaatiiiii..” I screamed and ran in. The shrill of the telephone ringing cut through my infuriated scream. I promptly forgot about the toss and ran to get the phone. Krishna could never beat me at this. I was always the first one to pick up the call, even before Amma could do.
“Hello, can I speak to Indra?” boomed an agitated voice at the other end of the line.
“I am Sneha her daughter speaking. Who is this?” I asked.
“Hi Sneha, this is Shyam, your father’s friend. Can you pass the phone immediately to your mother baby? It’s very urgent ma”. His voice was sounding exactly like Amma’s at the breakfast table goading me to eat. I immediately called Amma and passed the phone to her. I was curious to know how Amma would to talk him, because he spoke like Amma at the breakfast table. So it would be like Amma at the breakfast table talking to her own self. I made a mental note, the one’s you do by closing your eyes and thinking hard so as to put something important in your head which you could use it later to make another mental note.
“Hello, Indra here. Who is this?” Amma said as she picked up the phone casually. After 1 min, I used the same counting method to deduce it was one minute. Yes after one minute, I could see that Amma was almost about to faint.
“Hemorrhage… how.. when? How could it happen.. Where is he now? Tell me exactly what happened? Were you there beside him when it happened? Who took him to the hospital? How…” Amma was rattling too many questions at the same time and by the minute she looked sadder. And all of a sudden she put the phone down and started to cry. I dint know what to do. Amma started talking too many things at the same time and was wailing loudly too at the same time. Paati came running and after Amma told her about some haemmorage, blood and admitted to hospital she also started to react the same way as Amma. Now I understood why everyone in Madras kept telling “You are exactly like your mother”. I was confused whether I too should start crying now because Paati’s daughter is Amma and I am Amma’s daughter, so in the same line even I should cry. But I did not cry. I don’t know why.
I asked Amma what the problem was and why everyone was crying. She replied back saying Appa was unwell and we had to go back to Hyderabad. The Aero plane people too were making Amma cry by saying that they did not have any planes now to go back to Hyderabad. The next day early morning we caught a plane and went straight to the hospital at Hyderabad. I saw Appa lying on a bed with a mask on his face and lots of computers around him. It looked like a scene straight from Krishh. I was thrilled that Appa was playing krishh by being in between all those tubes and computers and masks. As I went near him they took off his mask and I kissed him on his cheeks. I could not see the usual Appa smile. It was little crooked. There was a half smile. He called me slowly and I ran towards him. He made a gesture slowly with his right so as to indicate to get my ears close to him.
“Appa, what happened? Amma was telling you are sick and you have haemorrage or something.. Is it true?” I asked hoping it would be not.
“No ladu. Don’t I look like Krishh?” he asked. My face beamed with delight wondering how he guessed what I was thinking. But that was my Appa. He was very intelligent and he knew everything and everyone.
“Ya pa it looks exactly like that scene in Krisshh. But why don’t get you get up? What are you doing here?” I asked, determined to know why we had to leave the beach and rush here so fast.
“Ladu I was missing you and fat Indra. I knew you people would not leave the beach or paati and come here. So I acted like I fell sick. Don’t tell anyone ok ladu. Appa is acting ok” he said, winking at me through his tubes. I could not hide my excitement. Appa was acting. He was fooling everyone including Amma, Paati and the doctors. I never knew Appa was such a good actor. I felt thrilled that Appa would make such a plan to bring us back.
“I won’t tell anyone pa. I promise. But tell me, when will this acting finish? I can’t wait for too long pa” I said giggling with excitement. The doctor entered at that moment and gestured me to keep quite.
“How bad is it doc?” asked Appa. The Doctor nodded his head gravely like those in the movies and even uttered the dialogue I knew that was coming.
“I am sorry, it’s very bad. The blood vessels have burst and there is a clot which we cannot operate because your BP is very high. But we will extend it. Do not worry. We will make sure nothing happens now. There will be lot of surgeries and procedures later to keep you.. Alive” said the doctor very gravely nodding his head.
“Only Alive or will I be ok?” asked Appa with a look that said he already knew the answer.
“I am sorry, the left side your body is already paralyzed and there are high chances that you could slip into a coma. But we will keep you alive” I could see tears forming on Appa’s eyes and he closed them for a while. He opened his eyes to look at me and there it went again, his wink. I was sure now Appa was the best actor in the world, better than Shahrukh also. He beckoned me to his side and asked me to come near him.
“In a day or two we will finish this acting and go home, but I need your help for that” said Appa.
“What was the help he asked from you?” asked the big fat man. Amma was on her feet and looking at me like she had seen a ghost.
“What did he tell you Sneha, please tell us. Why dint you tell all this before itself?” said Amma her voice breaking. Amma is staring at me now, so is the big man, so are the doctors. Why doesn’t Appa tell it himself? What’s he doing still? Ok Appa, am sorry I had to tell all this. But now these people are looking at me and I am getting scared of them. You know pa how scared I get when people keep looking at me. I will count three pa, if you don’t tell I am going to tell. One. Two. Three.
“What help do you need pa? I am going to tell everyone in school how my father and I acted and fooled everyone” I said glowing with admiration for my father.
“You be here only in the hospital. Even if Amma scolds or anyone scolds stay here only in the ICU room with whoever stays in the night and come to see me in the night. Ok” asked my father holding his hand out.
“Deal?” he asked and I replied back faster than that Anuj in my class who always has all the Math’s answers. Saying deal I kissed his cheeks and ran away.
I fought with all the vehemence in the world to stay back in the ICU and Amma relented at last. I knew Appa would be happy with what I had achieved. I don’t know the time but when I saw that no one was there in the corridor I silently went into Appa’s room. Appa had changed quite a bit since the morning. There was a tube which was running into his throat now. I wondered how Appa managed to hold on to that. It must have hurt Appa that tube thing and add to that the mask on his nose. I slowly shook him and whispered Appa around some 10 times. After what seemed an eternity he seemed to open his eyes. His eyes were alarmed when he saw me there.
“Appa enough of this acting, we will go home come” I said. He signaled that he couldn’t talk to me. I asked him what I should do. He gestured to me take the mask off his nose first. He then pointed at the paper and pen lying on the table near him.
With his right hand he wrote “Ladu, we are going to end this acting now. Appa is in terrible pain because of this tube in the mouth. So I want my ladu to slowly take the plaster of this tube and take the tube of my throat. After my ladu takes off the tube from my throat, she will go to the computer and switch it off and turn off another switch below the computer which is the switch for the gas cylinder. After that we can go home ladu. Appa can’t talk ok because of all the pain he has gone through because of his acting. So after she does the things written here, she should leave Appa for some time alone. They will tell you later that Appa is dead. Don’t believe them. Love you my ladu. Miss you.”
“Appa, love you too” I said and pecked him on his cheek.
I pulled the tube as he instructed me too. I heard him inhale deeply at that time. Inhale is when you take oxygen inside and give out carbon-di-oxide. I made a mental note again of telling this to Appa later. I always got confused between inhale and exhale. This time I had got it right. And once I switched off the computer and the gas below I saw Appa take off the needles and tubes attached to him. So, it was true the acting was over. We were going to go home. I ran towards Appa kissed him once more and felt something like a tear stick to my cheek. I ran away as Appa had asked me to and waited.
After a while someone noticed what Appa had done. I was waiting to see their expressions when they would know Appa was acting and we had fooled them all. But I only saw many doctors run frantically and calling Amma to the room. And again I heard Amma shriek hysterically. I was afraid her sobbing would bring rains and no I don’t want rains now. We had to go home. And someone said “We have to call the Police. This looks like sui side”. I dint know what that word meant sui side. I had never heard it before.
Then the Police arrived. The big fat man also came along with them. He went into the ICU and immediately I heard him ask – Whose shoes are these? Oh no I forgot to put on my shoes when I ran away after kissing Appa. Amma replied back saying it was Sneha’s. All of a sudden she came running towards me, her body swaying like a pendulum.
“I remember you had your shoes on when you were in the waiting room. How did it get in there?” asked Amma sharply. I was caught. The big fat man heard this and came towards me.
“I’ll handle this Madame” he said. It looked like he was the manager or something.
“How did your shoes reach that room? Did you go there?” asked the big fat man. I was sure I was caught. My Amma was looking at me with a look I had never seen before. I dint understand it. Appa please come here.
“What did you do?” asked the big man in not a so friendly tone. Not as friendly as Daddy’s at least.
I felt hard hands grabbing me and slapping me and wailing in between all this. I started to cry and was shouting for Appa to save me from the big fat man when I realized the hands were not of the big fat man’s but they were of someone else’s. They were Amma’s.
“You killed Appa, You killed Appa”, she shrieked. Appa had forewarned me not to believe them. I knew he was not dead.
“Amma, Appa is not dead. He is acting. You see the note too.” I said handing her the note Appa wrote me. She saw the note and collapsed. There were all sorts of people in the room trying to comfort her and trying to comfort me and take me away.
Amma regained consciousness after a while and immediately hugged me as tight my school bag.
“Appa is not dead ma. You saw the note no. Wait I will ask the doctor also. I know when a person is dead. Appa told me once.” I said kissing her and hugging her.
“What did Appa tell you? Tell me?” asked Amma.
“You wait and see ma” I said and called the doctor. The doctor walked up beside me and tenderly put his arms around me.
“Doctor Uncle, tell me what happens when a person is dead. It happens to anyone and everyone who are dead. Appa told me and Appa is very intelligent. Everyone is telling Appa is dead including Amma. So you tell me what happens when people are dead?” I asked arrogantly.
“Their heart stops beating beta, their brain stops functioning..” said the doctor in a tender voice. I said “No” in an indignant tone. There was something else and the doctor did not know it. Appa was alive. The doctor stared hard at me for a long time and said
“Every person loses 21 grams when they die. Whoever it is” said the doctor. My world was breaking. How did he know this? This was what Appa told me once. I once asked Appa what his favorite movie was and he replied “21 grams”. “What is yours” he asked me and I shot off in an instant “Krish”. After sometime I asked “What is it pa 21 grams?”
“It’s the weight every person loses at moment he dies. Don’t think about all this da ladu ok” he said and now I was thinking.
“Did APPA lose 21 grams?” I was shivering with fright. I was crying and my mother was hugging me.
“Yes”
Appa was dead. I had to believe it. The doctor told the same thing that Appa once told me and Appa is always right. No Appa was always right.
Appa was dead, no Appa was killed. That’s what they said. That’s what Amma said.

Tomb Writer

2009-03-28T12:13:00.000-07:00

It was an Emotional Intelligence lecture and we were asked to write two lines on what one would like to write on his/her burial tomb. I managed to come up with more than two. These are the ones.

1. I am more than willing to meet you now.

2. Please do not cry here, I might come back alive.

3. Every visit here brings you closer to me.

4. Never ever fight with your wife.

5. Do not try this at home.

6. I will scare children who try to play here.

7. If you come here daily, we shall exchange our positions.

8. I presume we still are not on talking terms.

9. Marriage has its own benefits.

10. Above every man here, there is a woman.

11. Do not confuse me with my neighbor.

12. For assistance, feel free to contact my wife.

13. Don’t try acting smart, my neighbor is watching you.

14. Sixth sense is a funny movie.

15. Ghosts do exist. Just look behind.

16. Don’t reflect in HR classes, you will get bored here.

17. If you are still reading, I assume you are alive.

THE SICKLE

2007-01-10T23:34:00.000-08:00

Disclaimer:All the characters are work of fiction.Any resemblance to anyone Living or Dead is purely Co-incidental.

Note:- This is my second attempt at writing a story(serious one).And another warning - it is terribly big, may be bigger than the first one.So hope you have the patience to read it and enjoy it.

October 13-Year 1999-Saturday-11:30A.M.

Aakaash always loved this time of the year.It was the period looming just before the harsh winter.There was rain in the air and he always loved it's sweet smell.His mom had warned him to carry an umbrella but he always wanted to get drenched.It had been a long week for him.He was struggling to cope up with the demands of his new job.He had been so engrossed in work that he hardly paid notice to the rain that was there all week.He had stayed back at his friends place the previous night as he had got too late to go back to home.It was 11 by the time his swollen eyes managed to open.He was feeling fresh, and happy that he had a 8 hour sleep after a long time.It was time to go back,he thought.Wearing his T-shirt and pulling his jumper over he started to trot back to home,as he thought it would be a great feeling to get drenched again.As he was passing by a local Pan Shop he noticed someone familiar in his vicnity.He could see her long platted hair fall gracefully over her back.Her silhoutte was something very familiar and striking.He recognised her instantly and was about to call out to her "A.....", when he restrained himself and thought "Why not I just sneak up behind her and surprise her?".So he slowly started to dilly dally his away among the crowd and was doing all this unnoticed.He felt something bad about the way she walked.She loved the rain just like him,but today she seemed to be too bothered by it.She was walking at break neck speed and he was finding it tough to keep up with her.He thought she was going to stop at the Kulfi palace to have her share of kulfi.She always loved the Kulfi's.But to his surprise she dint even seem to see it.She looked as if she was someone possessed.This was unusual.She dint seem to be even going to the tailor."Now where is she going?.I have to find it".She kept walking through lanes he had never been in before and he was surprised by her geographic knowledge.He always thought she dint seem to know much about the city.As each second passed by he was becoming more and more apprehensive."What is she doing going through such places?".As if by magic his querry was answered.He could see an old bungalow standing on it's own in a wide deserted area.It seemed vaguely familiar.He had seen it somewhere.He was unable to place it.It seemed very familiar but his memory wasnt helping him.At a little distance off there were huts which housed the families of those who worked at the coal mines.But not a single person in that area would have been aware of her presence.To his surprise she had the keys to the bungalow.She opened it as if in a trance but in her anxiety forgot to take the keys out along with her.He was feeling scared at this point."Should I go in?...I have to go in..I have to find out what she came for to such a place..".With such thoughts he entered slowly into the bungalow.He almost vomited the moment he set foot into the bungalow.There was this unmistakable stench of death emanicipating from somewhere inside.His pulse was racing "Has anything happened to her?...no nothing would have happened",he said to himself "If anything happened the body cudnt decompose so quickly".As he nudged himself to the stairs,he was relieved to see her.As he was about to ask her what sort of a game this was,he froze.He froze at the sight of an old sickle in her hand.Even more frightnening was her stare.She was staring intently at something.And there he saw it.Lying in a corner was a small girl around the age of 5.She was gagged and seemed to be unconscious.He could not believe what he was seeing.This was the woman he loved the most and all things were only pointing towards only 1 thing-She was a killer.His worst fears were confirmed when she dragged the kid from the corner and placed her in front of a huge portrait of Goddess Kali.He had to act and had to act fast.

October 13-Year 2000-Friday-04:30A.M.

Life had come a full circle for Aakaash.All his dreams were shattered on this same day an year back.It seemed so far away.He had forgotten what life was all this while.Now he realised what life is.He hadnt slept the whole night.His time was coming.There was precious little time left with him and all he could was reflect.But when your time comes you have a strange feeling,in the way that you can sense it.He knew the warden might might be here any moment.And there he was.This was no Bollywood movie where the law enforcers came late.He behaved the same way even today.The Lathi rattled away at the iron bars.Aakaash looked like a caged animal."Come out,Your time is up.",the warden barked."Just a moment",he replied back.He had managed to hide a photo of her's up his ass.That was one place were they could never search.He gazed at it and kissed it for one last time."What's that in your hand?" asked the warden."It's a picture of the woman I loved the most",he said.There was a sad look in the warden's eyes."Why did you have to do it?you seem to be a straight fellow.."

October 13-Year 1999-Saturday-12:45P.M.

His worst fears were confirmed when she dragged the kid from the corner and placed her in front of a huge portrait of Goddess Kali.He had to act and had to act fast.Her hands were raised like a Cobra's hood ready to strike."Amma please dont it...",he begged.She seemed to be electrocuted when she heard his voice."Ammaaa... please ma dont do it... v'll get this all right ma...v'll get all the help that is needed..I'll protect you..I am your son..please trust me",he sobbed.She started to weep profusely after seeing him.She was a terminally ill woman.Now aakaash was getting the picture.His dad had once told him "Aakaash you know why mom and I love you so much?"
Aakaash:Y dad?
Dad:When you were very young you had a sister called Aakaansha....I think you remember that much...you were only 3 years of age at that time...She was just one year of age when she was brutally murdered by our house maid.
Aakaash was shocked."Did my sister die at this same house?",he asked his dad."No dear at that time we used to stay at an old bungalow in this city.Dont u remember?The one with high towers adn which stood deserted among the mines....But after Aakaansha's death,we left it for good.We dint even bother to sell it.We dint want anyone else to inhabit that cursed house"
"How was my sister killed dad?" asked Aakaash."Her throat was slit open...",he said amidst tears.Everything seemed to be coming back to him.Now he realised why the house had seemed so familiar...this was his house...it was not just a house..it was a slaughter house.He felt a shiver run down his spine.His mom had killed her own daughter.He was very lucky to survive these many years.He had to shake the feeling off from his head.He had to save one life.That was of foremost importance,he thought."Amma please hand it over to me..everything is over...give it back...".She was lost in a sea of emotions and was wailing.Her shoulders dropped and her head stooped low.The sickle was hanging periliously close to the child's knee.The only saving grace was that the child was unconscious and she dint have to see all this.It was then that Aakaash thought"This is my chance..she is feeling helpless now..this is the best time to take the sickle out her hand...".As he took a couple of steps towards her she swung the sickle like a whiplash.He was too shocked to react and it hit the spot on the left shoulder.It was a sickening feeling when he felt the sickle go through his shoulder.He could hear the swoosh from the swing and felt its sharpeness as it cut through him.Blood was oozing all over his shirt and biceps.He just collapsed in pain."Amma please ma...dont kill me..I am your son...",he begged."I wont kill you..I have to kill her..it is kali's wish and I have to honour her...you are a man so I wont kill you..".With this she took a couple of steps towards the child and twisted her neck upwards and sent the sickle down in a spiral.There was a momentary gasp from the child even though it was unconscious.The child was gone.The sight of the dead child sickened him.He felt tears flow down his cheek.He felt his world come crashing down.He saw his mom kneel before the portrait of Goddess Kali and pray.There was a sudden rage inside him.He couldnt let this go on and on.He stood up gingerly and found a broken bathroom tile by side.He cudnt think too much.He had to do it.His mom was still kneeling down and praying.She hadnt seen him stand and pick up the tile.Aakaash took a deep breath and swung the tile down with all his might.He could feel the skull crack open with the impact.She collapsed without a word.It wasnt done yet,he thought."It has to end the way it started".He picked up the sickle and almost instantly had a strange feeling.The feeling to kill.He looked at her for one last time and swung it.It had ended the way it started.He found himself lying beside his mother wailing.He loved her so much and it had to come down to this.He had killed his mom because he dint want her to be humiliated by the Police,the Judiciary and the people.He knew they would sentence her to death and their family would be cursed for ever.His father would be broken if he ever knew that his wife was a serial killer.He dint want to kill himself.He wanted to protect the honour of his mother.What ever she was she was his dear mom.He hit his head against the walls for having been forced to kill his own mother.He prayed that such a situation should not arise for an enemy also.He felt guilty.He wanted to be punished.He had taken away the life of the person who had given birth to him and showered him with love.There was only one way out.He had to create a situation where all the blame would befall him.It helped that his finger prints were all over the place and even on the sickle.He rushed into the bedroom and saw bones all over.From the no of skulls he estimated that there were around 4 bodies in there.He had devised a plan.He would create an impression that he had this fantasy for killing right from his childhood when he first smelt blood killing his little sister.No one would doubt a 3 year old kid of slaying his own sister with a sickle.As his age grew so his desire to kill.This would be an ingenious story and with the right amount of research and lies he could get the jury to turn on him.

October 13-Year 2000-Friday-04:45A.M.

."Why did you have to do it?you seem to be a straight fellow.."
"Take me to the gallows...I want to be hanged..."
"Cant you even repent at the time of your death...you dint say anything at the court also..."
Aakaash remembered the court only too well.The court was like a naked dance bar where one danced to a fool's whims.He remembered the court and the court scene.

Court Room:

It was 4 months since the trial for the sensational serial killings had begun.Aakaash had fooled the CBI into beleiving that he was the killer.He was lucky in a sense.The Narco Analysis tets were not prevalnt in India at that time.Had this incident happened a couple of years later the truth serum would have gotten everything out his system and he would have never been able to save the honour of his mother.But by God's grace everything worked to plan.It was the most awaited day of the judgement.The judge was about to deliver his verdict.The judge had an inclination for histrionics.
"Based on the clues collected and the own Confessions of Prime Accussed,the conclusion that can be drawn from this case is A sickle controlled by a mind that is fickle is dangerous and so.."
"Cut the crap you b******,you are an even more sick person than me, who derives pleasure in making one listen to vocabulary shit before he dies"...Thud came a rifle which banged into his head from behind..his mind was filled with pain and he was blacking out...he dint have to hear to rest of the verdict.... But he had to hear it from his father..."I wish I could be like you,just take a sickle and slit your throat,you b******"
"Dad,dont insult mom..she was never that kind of an woman and I am not her illegal child",he said evenly
"F*** you b*****,dont ever look into my eyes again..i am very happy that you have senteced to death..rot in hell..you are not my son..",he said choking...
"Dad stop insulting mom"...Aakaash was crying within..he wanted to reach out to his dad and tell the truth..but his love for his mom stopped him..He had to act like a cold blooded scoundrel before his dad...it was hurting inside...it was hurting bigtime....

October 13-Year 2000-Friday-04:45A.M.

"Cant you even repent at the time of your death...you dint say anything at the court also..."
"Take me to the gallows...I want to be hanged..."

He was shoved away to the podium where all arrangements were made for him to be with his mom.The doctor checked his pulse and said "Your pulse is racing...Are you scared?"...Aakaash smiled at him and said "No I am very excited...I am going to be with my mom again.."There was silence everywhere.Couple of reporters from the press,a father of one of the victims and Aakash's father were among those who were present to watch the execution.
"Any last wishes?",he was asked...
"Tell my father that I love him a lot and also tell him I have never let him down..not even now...."
"Anything else?"
"No"
He was led towards the place.The rope was placed around his neck.He felt the smooth colour of black all over him.His face was covered.He felt the noose tighten."Mom I love you",he said to himself.And then it was over....

P.S:Happy New Year

THE CHENNAI EXPRESS

2006-12-13T13:53:00.000-08:00

A railway station to me is one of the most fascinating places to be in.Every emotion,every reaction,even the slightest twinge of the muscle can be seen and felt at any railway station.The Secunderabad railway station is no different from any of it's fellow stations.Enter ino it during the peak evening time you will be engulfed in a sea of humanity along with it's residue 'sweat'.No deo can work wonders at railway stations unless and until say its of the kind like Ooty.The moment you enter the platform ou can see the Red army doing their job.The porters are really one of their kind.I happened to spot an old porter standing beside me and I asked him politely "Miyaan s2 coach kahan pe aayega?".Pat comes the reply "Chashme pehen ke bhi dikhta nahin hain kyaa tere ko?,woh dekh oopar woh board pe lite jal raha hain,wahan se patah kar le....".There was silence for a brief moment as he was sizing me up and I was more than relieved that his tirade was over and then as if as an after thought he says "Kandol" and quietly moves away.Well as he suggested I found s2 quite comfortably.It was then that I looked into my ticket and to my utter disgust found that my seat no was 72.Not again I cursed myself.The toilet jinx seemed to continue.How ever hard I try, beating all laws of probability my seat always ends up just beside the toilet where people come and stand all the while spitting pan or taking their shirts off to get their sweat off.No second thoughts about where all that smell goes.Right from class VII the jinx had started.My class was just next to the rest rooms(I'll refrain from saying toilet) and there it was till 10th.It was temporary respite for a couple of years during higher secondary but the jinx caught on at college.

Every train journey from then seemed to be either in seat no 1-8 or 64-72 and now I was cornered again as usual.Wondering whether I should tie a kerchief around my nose like a terrorist,I silently slipped my baggage under the seat and settled down.As it happens you always dream of having a hot chick beside you but such things happen only in movies and in Chetan Bhagat's novels.I was just scanning the people around me.There was this loud mouthed kid who was sayin things which was making me LOL.It was the chachi of that kid I guess who was repeatedly asking her "Beti,Pakistan kahan pe hain?" and that kid hardly 4 years old looks here and there as if to see whether her mom is watching her slowly whispers back "Mere skirt ke andar" and chuckles.Laughter everywhere.A hand comes out of no where and thud it lands on the child's cheek.Her mom shrieks "Bhabhi use bigadiye mat!"(Dont spoil her, as if she already isnt).The child now is really angry and she shoots back "Pakistan mere skirt ke andar hi hain,main aise hi chillaoongi".Laughter changes to howling.Her mom is left red faced in embarassment.Kids do trouble man!All this laughter was dying down slowly in the constant whirring of the engine.It was time to go.You could see faces of expectancy,anguish,fear everything around people as they sent off their beloved one's.Well atlast I thought,the train started to move late as usual by 10 minutes.Everyone was quite except for that kid who was still foul mouthing Pakistan.I was laughing silently.I dont know if all the trains would have good engine drivers but every train would definitely have a TT who would accept a bribe.That's the only advantage of sitting beside the entrance I would rather say as you can see all the under the table dealings.There was once this arguement over what TT abbreviated to and there were different full forms coming out and then came the master one.One of my friends calmly said "I know what TT is...".He gave a pause to as if signify his point and then said "Ticket Ticket".Kraaaa Thooooooooooo everyone did in unison.The ticket collector for my compartment looked more like a groundnut seller than a TT.I dint know whether he was checking tickets or selling them.As he was checking everyone's ticket he asked the 4 year old kid "beti tumhare Mummy papa kahan hain,ticket dekhna hain".Pat came the reply.Howling once again.The TT cursed himself and left.

There not many things you can do while sitting in a train and that too when you are in the stomach stirring presence of the Indian Railways toilet.So I decided it was time for music and videos.So I just slipped my Ipod on and started to watch Virrumaandi.Everything was going fine.There were some curious faces around me who were trying to fathom what it was.One guy said it was a T.V. and the other seemed to say it was a computer.People were just throwing glances at it as they crossed and went to the toilets or for a fag.It was sometime later that the mother of the kid realised that there was a way to handle her child.She smilingly looked at me and said "Dekho uncle T.V. dekh rahe hain,tum bhi jaake dekho".Fuck you pot head whose uncle am I.And for people who dont know about Virumaandi,it is a KamalHaasan movie and I neednt tell you what wouldnt be there in a kamal movie.It was just one of the scenes where kamal is sitting on the steps leading into a well and talking with the heroine,that the kid and her mother peep over my shoulder to see the T.V.And then there goes Kamal.Teary eyed,kamal gives a long smooch to the heroine.Long enough for the mother to throw a glance at me which I thought said something like "You child rapist asshole!".I cudnt do anything other than say "Chalo doosri picture dikhaata hoon"(I'll show u another movie).Her mom pulled her kid away and must've thought "this guy is some sophisticated kidnapper,he'll take video and photo of my kid and do something with it".Well what do I say?There was a middle aged couple travelling with me.It was then that I observed there were more no. of people than the no. of seats.It was dé·jà vu.I knew what was going to happen and what was coming.

In all likelyhood I would be asked to exchange my seat with someone sitting at the last compartment.People asking me to exchange seats thought it was very simple carrying my luggage all the way.They asked me stating reasons like I am youth(one second unc(u)le and next youth!) and I was single and blah blah.That was what exactly happened.
Middle Aged Woman(MAW):Are you travelling alone?
Me:No,me and my baggage
MAW:Oh,ur so funny..he he..Just like my hubby..i like funny people
Me:Sorry ur hubby is staring at me
MAW:Oh thats alrite.. c na me and my hubby have different seats..my hubby cant do without me..
There from the corner of my eye I saw her hubby looking at her and I thought it said something like "Lying bitch,she needs me for blowing her air pillow"
MAW:See we are old ppl and my coach is s14.... can u shift there?you are youth(Yuck) and u dont have any b'ful wife like me..so shift there na...
Me:yaa ok I'll move.
I was already thinking "s14 is a 1km jog..donno if i'll make it".So I started to bid farewall to my journey mates and as I was searching for my water bottle I muttered to myself "Were is the bottle?I kept it here only".Pat came the reply, this time almost in a robotic tone.Howling once again.

Line of Fire

2006-12-06T02:39:00.000-08:00

Note:- This is my first attempt at writing a story(serious one).And another warning - it is terribly big.So hope you have the patience to read it and enjoy it.

"Shit,Not so fast",he thought.He was lying by the bushes,deep cuts over his hands courtesy the barbed wires.He was trapped in what they called the Chakravyooh.There was no escaping this time.But this was what he wanted all through these six months.He had always found himself ways to get killed but everytime it missed by a whisker.People around him mistook it for courage and valour.He had always walked right into death's mouth only to come unscathed each time.After all no one knew the reason behind his madness.There was always this veil of bravery and love for one's country shielding him.His madness was hidden behind that.That was what he loved the most-A place to hide.A place where no one knew his burning inner desires.A place where he could bury himself and his fears.He felt desparate by each passing day.It was just not happening for him.He had thrown himself thrice into the pitch of the battle hoping he would die and his misery would end.But for all his efforts he ended up saving 3 lives of his fellow countrymen."Bastards" he thought,when the squadron leader announced his name was being sent for the gallantry awards.An award to kill,an award to save and an award for getting killed.Same award for all fucking reasons."Fuck these awards", he kept murmuring."Even the Govt. seems to be propogating death" albeit it was others lives which mattered for the govt. unlike his.

As he was lying by the bushes,crawling all over his wounds his reasoning power seemed to go down.All he could think of was September 13.He remembered everything all too clear.He was a happy go lucky individual who even had the good fortune of falling in love with a wonderful girl.But that day everything fell apart from the seams."Pick the call,Pick the call" he was shouting for the nth time.This was his 21st call in the last 15 minutes.But either the call was cut or the phone was left buzzing.And then she picked the call and to his dismay all she uttered was "It is over,tell your parents and keep telling yourself also".He shook with horror when he realized the full impact of her statement.His mind was racing.What had gone wrong?What grave mistake did he do?Then it struck him.In his anxiety to make the road clear for him to live with her he had informed about their affair to all and sundry.Her father was getting the news through everyone except the guy."Thats it" she and her father decided.They decided to put a full stop to all this drama once and for all.Her dad informed him in no plain terms that he could never marry his daughter and when he said "But your daughter loves me" then come the bolt which left him high and dry at that moment.His love, in more plainer terms than her dad told "I never loved him,It was he who kept calling me even though I was against it".That was the final nail in the coffin.The issue was settled once and for all.All he had inside him was rage and an urge to finish himself.He tried calling her to explain himself and ask for a reason but all he got was "This Number is not accepting any calls at this moment,Please try again later".He kicked the turf,sent hate mails to her and called her a bitch.She replied back saying "You call the girl you were supposed to be madly in love as a bitch.There is nothing anymore".Once a bitch always a bitch, he cursed and spat.The bathroom was his refuge.He dint know whether it was the tears or the shower which was washing him.In sudden impulse he grabbed the Harpic bottle and thought he would wash down his intestines with it.But all he could do was fling the bottle away in frustration.The truth was out.In his own eyes he felt he was not man enough to take his own life.

The war was out.Blood was being spilled like water from a water tanker.The country needed more men.More men to kill,more men to die so that more awards could be given away.War according to him was the most cowardly and saddistic act ever known to mankind where unknown people kill known and unknown people.It was the perfect place for a coward like him to hide.He knew he would be definitely killed.And for all you know he might end up with a medal around his corpse which would instill false prestige in one's near and dear to him.The thought excited him.What a way to get killed.Which man would love to get his face unmasked and show his coward side to the world.He decided that was it and enrolled for the war under the garb of fighting for his country.Everytime he heard news that enemy was advancing his pulse would race and he would let out a satisfied smile.But alas it was not that simple.Getting killed in a war by the enemy wasnt happening for him.The bullets always dodged him.He never seemed capable of stepping on a landmine and neither could an enemy kill him bare handed when he was cornered all alone.It was getting to him.It was now or never.Within two days the Nothern Infantry would be moving in.Once that happened the enemy would definitely be vanquished.They wouldnt be able to even god damn fart without them being detected.

This was his best chance.He along with another proud patriot had been sent to monitor the enemy's weapon positions and artillery strength.But the proud patriot in an over zealous attempt to count the no. of pimples on his enemy's forehead put himself directly in the line of fire.He could see what had happened and just about caught a glimpse of a guard taking aim at the patriot."This is my chance", he told to himself between gritted teeth.He lunged at the patriot and pulled him down.It was exactly at that time he felt someone stab a hot iron rod through his chest.He was shot.Another shot was fired and it caught the patriot right on the head.He looked up in horror at the patriot.It was then that he realised that he had been the first one who had been shot.He felt his chest with his right hand and he saw blood oozing out."Shit,Not so fast",he thought.He was lying by the bushes,deep cuts over his hands courtesy the barbed wires.He was scared,he was frightened.There was no escaping this time.But this was what he wanted all through these six months.And now when confronted with it he was not experiencing pleasure nor was he seeing angels pouring wine down his throat.It was not that he did not want to die but he wanted to live for sometime,just some more time god damnit,he cursed silently.He wanted to die in the hospital bed not here.He wanted to see her for one last time.He wanted to embed her voice in his head for one last time.He couldnt die now,not now.Crawling over his battered body he evaded them one by one.His survival instincts were at the peak.He was dodging the bullets now.They seemed so near but he cared less.Battered and bruised he reached his batallion crawling all the way and gave the information to his commander.

He was rushed to the medical camp in a jiffy.As news about his heroics spread so did the word spread among his near and dear one's that their hero was breathing his last.His father arrived unshaven and with unkempt hair along with his mother who resembled a ghost.They knew they were loosing their precious gem.As his father patted his hair all he said was "I want to see her once dad.Take this as your son's last wish."By this time even she had heard the news about her love being in his last stages.She had mixed emotions.She dint want him to die but knew it dint matter if he lived as far as their relationship was concerned.She knew she had gone too far now to accept him back and her father's word was her holy grail.Then she heard her phone buzz and when she answered it she heard the voice of a broken man "Please come down once and speak to my son for a moment."She packed her bags and along with her father left to the medical camp.She pulled the screen and ducked into the dimly lit make shift tent.There she saw him,his eyes transfixed on her.He looked pale but there was no mistake of the fire in his eyes.She stooped forward and held his hand.He cried like a boy who got separated from his mom in the carnival.Atlast he said to himself.He looked up at his father gratefully for granting his last wish.He felt his hand slip away from hers.His whole body started to curl upwards.His breathing was heavy and he was trying to breathe with his mouth open.There he saw it.He saw tears rolling down her cheeks as she was clutching him.The pain was now beyond any measurable parameters.There was one final upward curl and he flopped downwards slowly.Her shrieks seemed to be like loud ambulance sirens to him.It was echoing and the intensity was reducing.And then one drop of tear trickled down her cheek into his gaping mouth.He felt the angels pouring wine down his throat.The dying man had got his last drop of water.And then there was silence.His hand fell away as if in slow motion from hers.His eyes were closed.He was gone.
May his soul rest in peace.
Amen

CEASED TO EXIST

2006-09-14T20:57:00.000-07:00

Hanging between life and death like a raindrop perched on the edge of a rooftop..I do not know which side is life and which side is death..what do you call such a stage?Am just a dead man counting the no. of wounds on his body wishing it would heal.But how would something heal after you die?Nothing heals after death neither does it during life..What wud it be like to lie dead waiting to get mummified?Do you call it death or rebirth?What is it that makes people live even after they die or die when they live?We sense death,smell death,fear death and even die but we still live on..What do I call this?Life or death?Offline Online Invisible Visible does any of these things matter?A dying man wants just two drops of water but he hasnt got it..not that he would have lived because of it..but he still manages to live..Or does he?He manages to oscillate..What do I call this?Life or Death?Whats life when death awaits and what's the use of shouting and kicking when the medical examiner has pronounced you dead?Who is ready to listen?Who is Who to pronounce life and death when something exists between that and beyond that..What is the cause in trying to live after you die?Why dint you try dying when you were living?May be someone would have heard you then...may be not..But were you living first as a matter of fact?If you were what were you doing?If not then is it that you are dead?Somethings are unknown and are better undefined...I existed but there is no record of it..I wanted those 2 drops but I never got it..Now what do I call this?Life death or injustice?Is it possible to die without those two drops or is it worth living for those two drops and then die..But in between all this there is something... and again there is something beyond all this..Something all of us feel when we live and even when we die..We even feel it when waiting for those two drops either to die to live or live to die?You choose it...life death or the other unknown quantity suffocation...We live in suffocation and we also suffocate to death..I do not know yet what to call this stage?All I know is I am suffocating but which side I am still trying to find, but I may cease to exist by then....

MAN ON THE TOR

2006-07-30T23:45:00.000-07:00

Out there somewhere on the moor
I see a man lurking in the shadows
Eyes glistening and fear written all over his face
He mopped his brow and continued his work at a hare's pace

Burning with curiosity I inched forward,a Lantern in hand
In the prevailing darkness I could figure out he was digging the land
The terrain was ragged and it was a steep climb up the hill
Somewhere there was the man on the tor & the moon behind him standing still

Heart beating faster I inched closer to the stranger
Seeing the shovel and knife in hand I sensed danger
A sense of overwhelming dé·jà vu was all that I was feeling
And it heightened into a climax which sent my senses reeling

He was digging a grave for the person he had slain
When he turned to look back there was only fear and pain
His features his gait all seemed familiar and striking
I was stunned I was looking at a mirror and that moment of truth sent my hair spiking

Hands trembling & trying to touch him I asked "Who are You?"
"You are me and I am You"

Looking down into the grave I saw in horror to see myself lying dead
What was I doing there when I was supposed to be lying on the bed

I realised I had sold my soul and was digging my own grave doing things I hated
The truth dawned upon me and for this I must thank 1 man before the feeling gets abated
And there far beyond I see him guiding me - "THE MAN ON THE TOR"

BEING CYRUS

2006-03-26T21:00:00.000-08:00

It was a good experience to watch a movie at the PVR.I mean the effects and the seating are better than what one has at IMAX.IMAX looks more of a terrorist hub than a movie paradise.Getting straight to the point watched quite a lot a movies over the weekend..some of them were previously seen ones.But the one I want to talk about is the one mentioned in the title.There was so much of hype surrounding this movie.I actually came to know about this movie when I was at PVR for the first time to watch Taxi no 9211.It had scripts from the Israel film festival saying it was a great movie and stuff.So naturally I was intersted in watching the movie.And things like having a 90 min running time and the theme What happens when you let a stranger in..all these things added to the drama.I havent got the directors name by heart yet..it's some homi or homo whatever.But the thing what I heard about him was that he was a cinematographer by profession.Well that was the first thing that struck me when I saw the movie.The visuals,the shots the angles,the way Saif is introduced lying down in a bunch of leaves dirt all over his pant all these promised a lot.But the initial promise cannot be held through out the film.People who have seen Ek Haseena Thi would agree with me that Saif's performance as a bad guy was much better there.The story revolves around two Parsi Families which has been shot extensively in Panchgani and Mumbai.Its a typical Parsi house large rooms,antique furniture.Add to that a master in pottery portrayed by Naseerudin Shah.He does it with real ease.You dont even feel he is trying to act.Bomman Irani is the real show stealer.And gosh I never knew he was so fat.Fatter than me also!His is a worthy performance indeed.And remember Simone singh..the girl who tries to woo Saif in Kal Ho Naa Ho by slipping a ring in the champagne.She looks stunning and does her job quite nicely.The film drags basically and you fell 90 min as very lenghty.The lesser spoken about Dimple Kapadia the better I guess.All I can say is physically she has become very loose and her performance is as bad as it can get-Drown in your own puke types.She is very loud and spoils the entire show.On seeing the promos I was epecting something like Ramu's Kaun..but this gets no way near it.And I saw Memento at last.All I can say is Ghajini should be banned.I felt like puking on the movie when I saw it even without watching Memento.Now I feel everyone should puke together on Ghajini and Aamir is totally out of his brians I guess to remake Ghajini.I think it was Surya's most stupid performance..shaking his head all over..But being cyrus I would advice for a VCD,potato chips and some drinks..thats it..

HOLI HAII

2006-03-17T00:41:00.000-08:00

The road seemed to be peacefully quiet and all I could feel was the wind blowing across my face and the ruffling of the leaves.Everything was so strange.Was I drunk?There were hardly people out on the roads not even the buffalo who always gave me a strange look and dumped dung indicating his love for me.The indecissive woman who dint know if a single packet of Parle-G was enough for her kindergarten kids also seemed to be missing.I was wondering had her sons packed her off to school.Atlast I saw the buffalo and was waiting for the customary shit-off.It was then that I realised that one of the horns of this shit producing mammal was coloured.It was something like pink and green.It was then it struck me.Holiii fuckk.My job has been screwing my senses numb but I never thought it wud take me down to this level.I was the only asshole who was working even on Holi.As a kid I remember being scared of playing holi.The reason was I was a thin little kid(long long ago) and was immensely intimated by so many people running around crazily.It seemed to be like a war.The only thing I dared to do was take a colour chalk peice and immerse it in water and throw it on my mother.My mom would be proud of her little kid playing holi with her.But as my age grew so did the body and the feeling of intimidation seemed to be vanishing away.I dont remember when exactly but I think it was class 6 or 7 that I started to play with colours.Not that there was any rule that holi was supposed to be played only after reaching puberty.From that moment on I loved to play holi.It was one day when I could get away with anything.Even the eves dint mind me that day..that was a real bonus.

There was this religious practise of filling up balloons with coloured water and firing it like missiles all around the place from my terrace.If it hit someone u would have to encounter pleasantries even though it was holi.So the safest persons to hit were the dogs and the buffaloes.Many guys had this vision of turning Shahrukh on the day of holi.Some of them would plan extremely brilliant things like using the gulal as sindoor thinking they would win over their girl in the heat of the moment.He He..it never got anywere.It ended up only in a tight slap.But the beauty was you could apply some more and shout holi haii..no one were left with answers for these antics.It was a rule that none should be spared and one could see many people transforming into cartoon figures.If you are as smart as vijaykanth then god save you..sorry even holi cant affect such people.Their tales of valour and courage are well known.People keep asking why holi isnt played with the same fervour in Tamilnadu.There was a time when people used to play holi even there with the same intensity.But on one holi Vijaykanth a.k.a Captain decided to hit the streets.And guess what he drank what ever was sprayed at him.It still remains a world record for drinking 5 million gallons of coloured water in a day spread across a state.The previous record was held by J.Jayalalitha who drank a record 3.5 million gallons.She says thats the reason she's so slim.No wonder people out there dont play holi that much 'cos before they start playing everything is over.So to beat JJ's record was quite some achievement.When asked about how he managed to acheive such a colossol feat all he had to say was it was just like drinking Madras Municipal Corporation water+Rasna..wow that was real cool..he even added the secret of his colour was holii..sorry for deviating from the topic.But for those of you who do not know who captain is,he is the 3rd biggest comedian in the Indian Film Industry.The first one being Mithun and the second Sunny Deol.Deol edges out captain for the sole reson that he remakes captains films in Hindi.
Here are some FAQ's on holi..

1. What is a Pichkaari:It is a very sophisticated instrument developed in the early 18th century
for injecting an elephants ass.It wasnt very useful there so people decided to use it here but even its time is running out as Captain proved it impotent
2.Why every Hindi movie has a Holi Song:The basic thing is everyone wants to enjoy the director the hero the heroine so wen u have a holi song in the name of colours they end up doing Raam Jaane..and if the director is someone like Subash Ghai he would have a rain dance to wipe all the colours off,the reason being simple.He neednt wash all those clothes hence saving the cost on Ariel and wooing audience on the name of rain dance.
3.What is the average cost of Gulal:It mite just cost more than a condom..I think
4.Then y dont they play in Chennai:Reason has been mentioned above,not that TN is money stricken but the thing that captain has attributed Gulal as the secret for his Kashmir Apple colour,the ppl of chennai have started to throw mud on each other as a sign of playing holi
5.What would happen if I drank the holi water:You would become as smart as captain..so dont try it
6.Why do people play holi:In india you do not need reasons for celebrations..but historians the festival was celebrated to mark the release the world famous newspaer Deccan Chronicle which carried the following as its headlines in the opening edition "Boy and Pig have sex - A snake called Anaconda is born"
7.What is Baang:Oh no how did I ever forget to mention this....

I dont know if I got the speeling of Baang of rite but I know for sure what it can do.Baang is one of those queer Indian preparations which is considered divine on the day of holi and illegal during the rest of the year.A holi without Baang is like Morse Code without dots and dashes.It's suposed to contain some narcotics bundles along with badam and pista.It gives such an effect that you can count the bones in your spine forward when you look down.Another practise which took place was the holika.It was the bonfire.As holi generallz arrived in the mid of march in Hzd generallz things start to get heated up at that time.So u feel like a fool going around those fires and feel even more hot.Well in my flats there were so many people that there was a mad scramble for the holika.Rest assured that we would either put out the flames by our collective stink or someones balls would go for a roast.There are many stories about Baang.But the one which always comes to my mind is the one that happened at my hostel.My friend irrespective of my warnings had 2 balls of baang and was rendered into a bumbling bag of laughable shit.He kept smiling and laughing as if he had won the Olympic medal for India.But gosh he dint stop with that.He went to the loo all alone...well thats what he does generally but on that special day he was so attracted by the floors of the hostel bathroom that he decided to fall flat on his face thinking he could balance himself like Rajnikanth..but alas he lost a tooth.In memory of that incident we dug up a grave and put to rest his tooth that had suffered all these years .Whenever he smiled it looked like a check post with only one-half blocked and the remaining empty.It looked like a cave with Stalagmites and stalagtides.And he was compared with one tooth monsters and it was like a bridge for air to go in.He had a real chance of being the only human to carry an extra channel to take in air.But inspite of our requests he got himself a dupicate which is as good as a chewing gum.And baang has this strange thing of making a person do the same thing in a loop.Imagine if Sunny deol had baang my god he would uttering Pakistan Murdabad and keep screaming through the night.As to what I did this holi I played a bit at office until the security had to come over and politely inform us that this a S/W firm not some playground.Well we S/W guys are one unprivileged class...Happy belated holi...

cheers
ashwin

Valentine's Day

2006-02-14T09:15:00.000-08:00

Again and again this is that day of the year which I always hope hopen against.Now to all those saints who are just blinking like a new born kid,lemme tell you today is a very holy day in the Indian calendar.This is the day when Shani sits on the top of Rahu and Kethu.This happens only on this day.People take to the streets and sing hymns,bhajans and pray for more such days,especially the youth.Just kidding.No need for any grand introductions I guess.Today is another valentine's day.I dont know which one,I mean I do not know the number but according to some classified reports it is still behind the no of episodes of Ekta Kapoor's K serials.Well today is one day when I reflect generally on life.The years that have gone by and the sense of being a spectator again.But this is real cool you can watch all the action free of cost.No loss No gain.This was the day when I somehow managed to find myself alone.All around the city I can see red balloons floating everywhere.I dont know how people on this very day get so fascinated by balloons especially red ones.In all the excitement building up to this day and everything gets settled they forget to use the balloons recommended by the govt.Man how long can you blame the govt?Even they are trying their best.Initially they thought of passing a bill which prohibits selling of balloons on this day 'cos their were reports that all the MIG's were crashing specificallly only on the 14th of feb.I dont know the Rang De team could missed such a vital stat.But their were repulsions all over the country against it,strikes bigger than the one's in RDB.So the govt was forced to drop this move.The last time I saw so many balloons on one day was when Sonia Gandhi came to Hyderabad for the congress session.

Everywhere you go all you can see are those heart shaped balloons.I dont know who was that idiot who ever gave heart such a shape.Just walking down the pavement one can see those innumerable couples hand in hand talking ear 2 ear n god knows wat and wat not.Well I can understand their situation.Imagine they had to sit at home and they switch on the tv and all they can watch anywhere is Gay sex lover Karan Johar's endless love sagas Kuch Kuch Hota Hai,Kal Ho Naa Ho and not to forget yash chopra's contribution to all this his endless list of AMAR PREM kahanis like DDLJ,Veer Zaara were the hero heroine continuously cry and in the process so much of Phlegm is seen flowing from their nose that they clutch each other at the sight of Phlegm flowing and clean it with their bare hands.Wow wat a touching scene...this is real love..the Phlegm is the turning point in all shahrukh movies.He has got loads of them and can release it anytime like a dam for Yash Chopra and Gay sex hero.According to classified reports Yash Chopra was the one who caught hold of this talent of Shahrukh.During the shooting of Darr there was a scene in which blood had to flow out of Shahrukh's nose to show him like a Psychopath but instead guess wat flowed?And as they say the rest is history.Shahrukh went on to do great things without a handkerchief.Man imagine with such showings on all hindi channels wat else do they do.Instead of watching that they better move out and help guys like us.Us is meant for people who are working,working so much that their work is getting as tight as their pants and ever increasing waistline does not help one's cause for such occasions.

There are certain rules and regulations one needs to follow on such momentous occasions.I vividly remember my V-days at college.It was the first year of my engineering and I wud like everyone of you to believe that I was a kid then and I had no knowledge about this fantasy world of valentines.I had worn Black and Black on that day and attended college.I still remember he lecture I got from my prof.I was taken aback by the resounding lecture I got,not only me everyone were 'cos everyone had worn peculiar colours that day.It was later that we realised that the prof. was setting his sights on a girl in our class.Well I was the sacrificial lamb that day.He had become a hero and I as always zero.It was later in the day that I came to know that each colour meant something and it was more complex than spectral analysis of white light.Here you go

Blue - Already loving someone but wud be still willing when my partner isnt around
Red - Single and more than willing to mingle
Green - I am a vegetarian and love nature..sorry I am available to everyone(sounds like chameli)
White - It stands for peace meaning I am not for anything 'cos I cant shag or do anything man.I am a mix of Karan Johar and Elton John
Yellow - I love the colour of shit..so I dont take all this shit..friendship
Black - I will fall only for a person who is deaf,dumb and blind and one who walks on hands and legs.. I only believe in animal sex
Hey do not categorise me in that Black section..I was innocent at that point in my love life.Wat if someone wore white and black?I will have sex with a bull.I guess all this has got to do with the Romans for a change.Somehow they started to celebrate this in the memory of Sage Valentine.It's good that the Romans started this because for everything we keep blaming Pakistan.India's population is ever increasing and reason..this is the work of the ISI who are spreading their wings and Legs and blah blah...Well in between all this on V-day there will be another big comedy unfolding.This would be mainly at Mumbai.I can bet on anything on the world that the most despo people in the world will have to be the Shiv Senaites.They wud be vandalising Mcdonald's year after year and no one even gives a damn.Mcdonalds himself allocates some glasses and tables so that they can break it withou any fuss.Poor guys why dont they understand girls will not give into Bhaashans on being a true Maratha Warrior.Poor fellows end up showing all their frustration on already broken tables.Guess I am more or less behaving like an idiot who has not got his share of glory.Just a feeling of myn that you neednt have a specific day to feel your love or tell someone about it.Anyday would do.But for all those people who have booked tables and got chocolates for your dear ones....have a blast.......Happy Valentine's day...... Take her to a nice place..good restaurant dim lights and jazz music..get a good gift..and get ready to burn money and most important dont use any of those lines from Shahrukh's movies... and yeah dont forget the roses especially the Red one's 'cos those are the only one's they sell today.As to what I would be doing today there is always a Sunny Deol movie on T.V. No matter what ever the occasion he would be fighting terrorists.His latest movie has a plot in which Pakistan Jasoos plan to strike at all clubs and parks which are hosting V-day celebrations.He has to foil it and keep up the good work and so do I.

Cheers
ashwin
P.S:- Plannin to ask my Dad to take my Mom out.I guess I already got the answer.

Offers galore

2006-02-08T01:02:00.000-08:00

Long time it's been I guess.I am finding it tough to put in words.Now I can feel how Ganguly feels each time he goes in to bat.It's been nearly 45 days since I have written any of my usual crap.Here I am again having broken my self imposed exile from the writing world.Well to say the least lots of things have happened.Another year has gone by,but this was the first I took a resolution and even managed to achieve it on the 1st of Jan itself.Had a good clean haircut.The barber was of the opinion that there was enough hair on my head to build a nest.In between all this I was fortunate to watch a spectacle called Rang De Basanti.I had a great experience just watching the movie.No words would be enough I guess to describe the movie.And yes let me tell you the joke of the year so far.
Fact:Jayasurya was ruled out from the newzealand tour
Joke:He slipped in the bathroom while trying to shampoo a vastly uncultivated piece of land-his barren head..LOL the moment I heard this news I was in splits.He deserved to slip and fall I guess.May be from now even shampoos will have statutory warnings:Do not apply to bald head.

There has been a spurt of offers recently at all the shopping malls in Hyderabad.You can find all these advertisements,hoardings and all such stuff saying so and so discount and blah blah.I was always scared of this word 'upto'.Anywere I see "Discount upto 50%" outside any shopping mall,I manage to tell myself "Do not go in and make a fool out of yourself".Reason is they would give you 50% discount on undies and stinking socks and there would be 5% discount on a cool denim jacket.See this leads to potentially disastrous situations.But what if you saw a sign "Flat 50% off".Man I almost jumped when my friend told me about this offer.And guess what the offer was on Pepe.The offer was at country club,Begumpet.Man I was already thinking of getting couple a cool denims and was even planning to get my brother one.We reached the place and we were delighted seeing the collection.Add to the delight it was siesta time so not many people fooling around.We were left to ourselves.There were jeans of the cost 899 and I was like wow,after discount only 450 bucks.But to my dismay there was no changing room.There clothes and clothes around,no place to change.That was the time I thought of those golden days when my waist was a strict 30 and I could confidently pick anything and keep moving.Now alas it is 34 and still showing no signs of stopping.So to my extreme discomfort ,on the suggestion of the brain dead owner I decided to try that jeans standing behind a bench.The thing was htere were no females until that point.The moment I striiped myself and had the Pepe one on,yo out of the blue there stepped in 2 damsels.God it was a horrible position to be in.The shop owner asking me to somehow strip the Pepe off and me caught between shyness and shame.It is exactly at such kinda moments that girls start talking about lemonade and serials.This is what exactly happened.
Owner:Sir plzz theeyandi sir...theeyandi maane remove in telugu(In a hushed tone)
Me:Hey boss paanch minute dhenaa..plzzz mere baap
Owner:5 more minutes u wear that u have to pay for it
Me:Un ladikiyo ko jaane de..mein tere liye nangaa naach bhi karronga..paanch minute mere baap

In the mean time I was standing like a japanese flowervase and cursing myself and the owner.These girls wont leave.They called another female and told her to rush down immediately to country club..Oh god I started visualising myself like a male strip dancer in a all women's club..And at last they moved out and I have never seized an opportunity as gladly ever in my life.Well this was not the end of it.And after regaining lost ground and getting back my composure I asked the owner to get the bill.Those females were watching and with all my grace I asked the owner"U accept card kyaa?".The owner replied in the affirmative.As he was about to scratch the card on the machine something caught my eye.The bill was reading 1798 only.WTF was goin on I only took 2 jeans.I managed to stop the owner and I told him the bill was wrong.It was then that idiot explained to me that the price was 899 after the discount.Oh god another embarassment before the fairer sex.Well this has always been the case.I learnt a lesson I guess girls and offers are never lucky for me.And when together-Dont read it girls for offer or girls on offer they are always elusive....
P.S:Will write something better the next time,now that valentine's day is approaching
ashwin

IRIS

2005-12-25T20:46:00.000-08:00

Puzzles,crypts,deciphering,decoding,google,imdb,freinds help.. these are the only things that I've been doing since friday.I must really thank my friend Sriram for asking me to try these puzzles or in the sense the klueLESS competiton of IIM Indore.I will tell you what exactly it is.It has 30 stages.I have given you the biggest clue 'cos I dint know how many were ther while I was doing.It was jus like walking on a highway without wearing my spex.There are clues given on the page in form of pictures or the clues are hidden in the source of the Internet explorer page.Dont worry all these things will be there in rules.It took whole of friday and friday nite upto late 3:30 in the morning and I finished it by 11 p.m. on saturday.No wonder I slept the whole day yesterday.Here's the link
http://www.iimi-iris.com/iris/irising/klueLESS

I dont have anything to write now or discuss with you.Try that link it's a really amazing one.U have to find the clues and type it in the address bar or proceed according to the information on the page.So all u people if anyone reading this page try it n if you are one of those who are ready for the battle go ahead it's real fun n any clues bank on me to give some.
signing off
ashwin

WEEKEND MUSINGS

2005-12-11T22:06:00.000-08:00

Something was troubling me throughout the day.I was feeling uneasy and restless.No I did not Pee in my pants,it's the sort of feeling when am not able to recollect something which had taken place.And there it came to me like a flash.It struck me as a jolt.How cud I ever forget this?Immediately I rummaged The Hindu and to my surprise I found nothing.Mebbe it cud've escaped my blind eyes but am pretty sure there was nothing mentioned.I did not find the sunday magazine to have a thorough check but according to what dad had said it seemed that it wasnt mentioned even there.Bunch of jokers I guess the media has become.As Aamir Khan rightly pointed out there is room only for sensationalism and nothing else.So wat if anyone mentioned or not am not gonna wait anymore.So I thought, make use of Online Journalism available to you and that's what am doing right now.It was exactly an year before, not exactly 365 but 366 days to be precise,on the 11th of december 2004 that the Nightingale - M.S.Subbulakshmi or MS as she is fondly called passed away.It really hurts me now that I was very near to the place of her death - Isabel Hospital in Mylapore and I dint even go to the hospital to pay my homages.Not that she was expecting me 2 do it.I was doing the Clean ur ass after u shit routine.Ya u got it rite,it was my final year project which was supposed to break laws of computational science but ended no where.Coming back to the matter at hand I was shocked at that moment when she passed away because me and my friends considered her as the near thing to perfection.She was a Saint and a Queen bundled into one and add to that a voice that could make u hang like a raindrop on the tenterhooks of a slanting roof.Such was the mesmerising effect her voice had the world over.No wonder Gandhi proclaimed her voice as the next best thing after freedom.My father was the person who introduced me to this world of declared divinty.He was a very big fan of MS and it was natural that even I started to listen to her songs.I think lots of credit must go to her for introducing Carnatic Music to the world when she sang at the UN convention I think in 1967.Even today her Vaishnava Janato and Bhaja Govindam cud make you sway.How cruel that such a person was initially not even given state honours after her death.Only when the President said that he wud be flying to Chennai did they make all arrangements in a hurry.One could argue that Sachin on saturday had bowled over India and the newspapers dont need a second invitation to publish news as sensational as this but a small column atleast cud've been devoted to her.Well who am I to blame everyone?I myself remembered this yesterday nite and the same thing might have happened elsewhere.But lets see if anyone else takes the cue from me and does something.A person who has been awarded the Padma Bhushan,Padma Vibushan and Bharath Ratna cannot be forgotten so easily.

But weekend was real fun.I found that there is something better than the combo of Vodka and Floyd.Vodka and Pulikaachal is woooooow.I guess I can start writing a book now.And for those who are wonder wat on earth is Pulikaachal(in Tamil) it is the paste u use to prepare Pulihora or Imli rice.Am not getting the name in english damn.Had couple of gulps and was in wonderland for a long time.The last thing you can ask a drunkard is "Tell me Wat happened Exactly yesterday Nite?".But this combo man I can never forget I suppose.After getting up we decided to watch Ek Ajnabee and I had to use all my fucked up persuasive skills to get Venkat to watch the movie.He was really irritating me and was behaving like a mom who had to urgently breastfeed her child.Somehow we managed to get hold of the tickets and even though I knew it was a remake of Man On Fire I wanted to watch it as the promos were very slick.And yaa AB dint disappoint anyone.He is simply mindblowing in the movie and the kid is even more better.Arjun Rampal tries to act very cool but cannot just make it.But you see these Hindi films they cannot even make a copy.They would try to prove their intelligence and somewere down the line they wud screw the movie.The second half is a bit of a drag but AB makes it up.Classic eg of AB bigger than the movie.Anyways worth a watch.I got hold of a book called Vernon God Little.

It won the Booker Prize in 2003 and man it sure rocks.My friend Vijay was the person who always spoke about that book and when he speaks about something highly it's definitely worth it.There's a story to the author of this book- DBC Pierre.Vijay told me DBC stands for Dirty But Clean.This guy was a big time drug addict and one day found himself fallen near some dustbin and the typical case of no money but hungry.The he had realised how low he had stooped in life and now look he has written one of the best books I've rad so far.Must match with Catch22,no 2 steps below that.I havent finished it but it's brilliant to say in the least.Hope the ending doesnt get screwed up like One night @ call center.Anyways do listen to MS songs.Every song will be a new experience.

P.S:- It's Thalaivar's Bithday,as he is called.So happy b'day Rajnikanth.

ashwin

THE MIDDLE FINGER

2005-12-04T20:07:00.000-08:00

How does it feel staring straight into this?It has hurt the pride n ego of many.Well the finger I have shown I mean the foto it is pretty small but the picture is bigger than that.We have seen many pictures of this all over the place.Be it on television or on a t-shirt it has caught the imagination as well as caysed outrage.I donno wat exactly it means now.Has many meanings,the primary one being fuck off or in the sense is used as the best humiliating weapon.It has become a sort of a tradition starting rite from skools where it is fashionable to show off ur middle finger and utter the f word.There was this incident regarding a girl at my bro's skool related to the middle finger.It seems a busty girl at my bro's skool had been the centre of attraction and for some unknown reason which I do not want to dwell upon was named CHAMELI.And guys do not need an initiative to call girls by names and there u go in the middle of the class some hero shouted "CHAMELI" and poor girl in a fit of rage showed the middle finger to the boy.LOL the boy was embarassed beyond words n the funnier thing was the teacher in the class had noticed wat had happened.And there u go here was one female who dint know wat it was n to the amusement of everyone she asked "wat does it mean?".Well all of u at some point wud've seen something as funny as this or even funnier.

But the thing is is pointing the middle finger a show of arrogance or contempt or a sign of sexual abuse or any other crap?Giving the finger was also known as "giving the bird".It was seen as the flight of the bird or something by the greeks and the bird was considered as an aggressive cut down.Any perverts like me who have stayed in a hostel wud've had the misfortune of watching a shitting,psycho adult movie called Caligula.Oops am revealing too many things about myself.It is about the roman emperor Caligula a pioneer in perversity who shocked his citizens and those watching the movie by asking his followers to kiss his middle finger and finally was assasinated by one of his subjects.Gees enuf of Caligula n perverse stuff but as a contradiction to it the church always frowned on the use of the middle finger as a perverse symbol 'cos it was considered holy during the mass.There was that other story about French soldiers expecting to win ,planned to cut the middle fingers of all captured British soldiers in order to stop them from drawing their famed English longbow.Much to the French astonishment the Englishmen won the war and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French.Now the finger is making headlines again due to our Indian coach Greg Chappell.I feel he was damn right in showing that finger to the Calcutta crowd which booed their own players.Well many feel he was not right n stuff but I sincerely hope he isnt punished for this 'cos I remember Saurav doing the same to a group of Australian supporters after India won a match there.Now I guess it's an Australians turn to show the same finger at the Kolkata public.Just c the impact,when the finger viewed on a wide range it can be quite devastating and LOL the Indian team manager, some wing commander guy told that chappell's finger was injured.Holy crap no wonder he is the manager. Remember that scene in LAGAAN where Aamir n his colleagues look up 2 the skies when the umpire raises his dreaded finger.Well that wud be quite a sught if all the umpires lift their middle fingers up.It wud create quite a ruckus I guess because ppl wud be guessing is he giving someone out or is he fingering the batsman or the bowler?Even better imagine when someone hits a six the umpire wud gloriously raise both hands and as if 1 wasnt enuf u wud c 2 there.Cricket wud definitely turn into a spectacle like football shud someone try all this.

The better eg of these happenings are Rose giving the finger to a certain Jack in Titanic.Better than these I will show u I have a couple of snaps of them.Here u go.

This was vice-president Nelson Rockefeller during his speech against some Senator I guess and the next yaa u shud've guessed none other than our smelly armpit George Bush.

The finger seems to be longer than his face.But the thing that was guessed at that time was Nelson was in first stages of Dementia and so that cud've been the reason for him 2 act so aggresively.But he died 2 yrs later.Same thing can be said about Bush, but the only difference is after 2 yrs he went on to become the US president.Irony I guess any finger poking asshole goes on to rule the world.Guess Laalu shud start following this in Bihar.He mite win the next election.And Mr.Bean is another eg at giving the middle finger but his misgivings bring a smile on ur face when u watch his funny antics.Some guy showed the finger to some judge and was sent behind the bars.Well all this middle finger concept,it being so intelligent cud've been only started by the Americans.None can beat us in giving gaalis Teri maaki.Hmm v Indians scold only the women I never heard theri baapki or something.It's only that men alone use this even women I have seen some use the same Maakiii,so yaa u got it right v Indians do not discriminate. But when it comes to shit,tits n fingers none 2 beat the Americans I guess.They r the best users of anything perverse.Pulp Fiction one of the all time best movies holds the distinction of using nax no of Mother F***** in a movie but I dont remember cing a finger there.And one middle finger which has still captured the imagination is this one

Guess whose it is?It is none other than than the Great Mathematician Galelio Galelei.Its been preserved till date in some museum in Italy.Some wierdy Bastard tore off the finger from his body but it's fitting that Galelio is still showing the finger to those who doubted that sun was the centre and earth revolved around it.As Chetan Bhagat puts it the Ultimate Indian male fantasy wud be to crack the skull of his boss but I think it wud be even better if v gave them the finger.Hey dont try it even if ur even remotely inspired by this inspid post.Before u give the finger to me I'll end this.

signing off

ashwin

USELESS

2005-12-03T07:59:00.000-08:00

I've been feeling pretty low in life.I have been writing lost in love poems,was watchin dud cricket matches,tried washin my clothes landed up being unsuccessful in that too.These days my favourite Ad on tv is Tata AIG Life Insurance,not because it is very creative or anything.It is jus that I have got tired of working in jus 4 months in an IT industry.Am already planning to retire.I have been consulting various people on how I should invest my savings of 350 bucks so that I can live peacefully after retiring.Well they all were unanimous in their reply - DADDY is the only solution.Seriously saving is tough n trying 2 save sucks.Well even though I am having a tough time at the office doing really difficult things like gobbling up sandwiches,presing Ctrl+Alt+Del on regular basis,cheking the charge on my mob every second,going to the rest room and shaking my hair n combing it again,calling up mom n asking her wats for dinner n lots a other things.But the thing which puts me apart from the rest is I have so many b'ful chicks earning hot cash by showing off their various skills at my office.There r 2 many 2 even count but alas cannot even speak 2 them.No am not dumb or anything.But the law of inverse proportions plays a significant part here.The law states that the better or the more b'ful category of girls wud always be with the lower or ugly proportion of the opposite sex.Boy many a time has my heart wailed,my ass burnt,all inner coals have been lighted when I c the usual scene happening.

There wud b that pretty beautiful gal standing across the cafeteria n I wud be in a vantage position to catch all her emotions n there out of n where like sunny deols dialogues at unwanted times,well his films itself suck so his dialogues too wud.Yaa out of no where this shame on the term "greek god" wud appear n walk away with her.Well that law has a flaw.Obvious the most handsome guy wud be with the most b'ful gal 'cos its a matter of prestige.But these gals they wud be both of them.Pretty intelligent females these section of b'ful gals are.They get 2 know sides of the coin called Manhood.But alas the ok category like me are ignored n stamped upon with ruthless akin 2 the Australian cricket side.And that 2 a south Indian guy n in that subset a Tamilian n in that subset of subset an iyer n in that dropdown listbox category of iyers - boy with braces n add 2 that a spex.Wow wat a sexy resume to impress a female.Now guys in this category find it the hardest 2 even get 2 smell the scent of a woman.The best possible thing for him 2 do is try a south Indian iyer female.That cud be acheived if:-
1.Highly qualified if not atleast more qualified than the female
2. In a good job n earning well
3. Doing Sandhyavandhanam on a regular basis
4.Should love vadumaanga n thairsaadam
Well the only thing going in my favour is the 4 point vadumaanga is a pickle and thair saadham is curd rice.All these females esp. good looking ones have this amazing memory in terms of mugging things through out their life n end up earning degrees bigger than their names esp. tamil iyer ones.I donno how their memory goes weak wen they act as if they dint recognise an ok looking fellow.And north indian females no chance,forget it.They r the strangest creations on earth.They will be with the rowdys gang only.They have this urge 2 make headlines n the way they can do it is to hang out with these so called dudes,not with thair sadhams.If anyone of these females by chance started to speak ur hindi skills will be put to extreme test 'cos they will not utter a word of english.And at that supreme moment a tamilian in his unimitable tamil accent wud be caught red handed n dutifully be shown the exit.Or even by chance u pass all these AgniParikshas,1 month before Raakhi itself u will be called Bhaiya n u wud revel in the glory of brotherhood.By the way any north indian female thinking of me,I have managed to get a list of things am useless at.Here I go:-
1.Using the comp n especially installing windows n using Microsoft applications.
2.Washing my clothes without tearing and bleaching them
3.Drinking water from a glass without spilling it on myself n guess were the water falls.... egzactly
4.Eating apples without breaking my braces
5.Trying to act like a seasoned IT pro
6.Driving bikes without the engine getting turned off atleast once... I drive Scooty also the same way In gearless case I fall down n make up for the engine loss
7.Athletics r for those who want 2 feel instant death,I was a record holder in Lemon n Spoon
8.Hopeless at Academics the only thing I remember till date is Pythagoras theorem 'cos once wrote 150 times imposition n had 2 repeat it for writing it 5 times wrong during the first imposition.
9.Cracking jokes are my strength.It generally brings a smile on their facs only after I have left the place.
20.Really useless in numbering.
10.The rising sun,the sound of the birds,the dew on the plants,the blossoming flower well I have seen all these a lot of times on Discovery never have I known early morning.
11.Have become more useless these days as I have even stopped watchin Discovery as it is being broadcasted in Hindi.
12.Handling children.I love children but any child who clings on to me invariably pisses n soils my clothes am the human toilet I guess.
13.My paintings r damn good.They wud look somewhere b/w a person puking in midst of a meal n a gorilla shitting
11.Again really useless in numbering things n even more useless at writing list of useless things.

byee n take care.
ashwin

HIGH HOPES

2005-11-27T11:10:00.000-08:00

Sitting high on a hilltop I watched the cattle graze
Suddenly I saw her silhouette,but she vanished without a trace
I rushed downwards on my knees stumbling and falling
To my dismay I saw her with someone else and my heart was left wailing

She always told "You are my best friend"
Little did I realise that with girls this was always the trend
Fool I was to press on the matter
Because she had warned me - Someday your dreams would shatter

I landed up with a job and was really inspired
Little did I know that something had already transpired
I told her "I really love you"
She said do not tell all this as I was not even in the queue

"What the hell do you mean?"I shrieked
It was you and only you that I ever seeked
I put down the phone with a bang
Only to feel something shoot up like a pang

Today I try to find myself and feel all alone
She is far away from me in a world unknown
Someone said life is like a mountain with many slopes
Strange it is that at such a time I am listening to Pink Floyd's High Hopes

LEFT OR RIGHT

2005-11-20T05:38:00.000-08:00

Well well whoever doubted vaguely or completely about my literary skills especially writing,u neednt doubt it anymore.The article which I wrote n sent to my friend for the IIM Indore bloggers competition was put to its place i.e. as expected it dint win a prize and poor friend of myn Anoop was left wondering y did I ask him 2 write?So my dear friends I really pity ur patience 'cos u have 2 bear with me and my style of scribbling.Anyways today morning precisely from 10:30 - 1:00 I underwent a self esteem depriving test called CAT.Whoever thinks ur really intelligent plzz do try this 'cos u will find out the truth very fast.U neednt attend quizzes or by heart the encylopaedia but do write the CAT.After going thru the paper I felt even more worse than being rejected by a girl.1100 bucks for having a look at St marys church.If there was a window of an opportunity it was blown away very quickly by a b'ful lady who by the virtue of pure misfortune got to sit beside me.Now its not everyday that a b'ful gal comes n sits beside Ashwin.And when there was nothing to look in the paper I wisely thought otherwise.Half the time I was gawking at her and saw something very strange.I dont know whether it came actually to her or did she practise it for the sake of CAT.If it was for CAT I sincerely hope that she gets thru.She was marking the OMR sheet with her left hand and was using the eraser with her right hand.It was so continuous n rythmic.It was a very simple thing but I was amazed at the ease with which she was managing to do it.

This got me thinking.I was always amazed at the differences which arise when u do things the left or right.Simply staing it u find so many things which when percieved or done or when ur in the left or the right zone cud mean many things.Simple way to start, in India its always stated as a rule in the book to keep to ur left where as u do the same thing in US n u cud land up with a TICKET against ur name.When someone eats with the left hand v look at him in a disgusted way.Dont ask me U know why?Well if u still dint understand Americans dont have that problem.All this has been brought about due to so many factors but the main thing being superstitions brought about by religions. Centuries ago, the Catholic Church declared left-handed people to be servants of the Devil. For generations, left-handers who attended Catholic schools were forced to become right-handed.And from then on left was considered as woman and right as man.So woman is the devil huh.Crap I guess even though to an extent its definitely true.So many things these days like wearing a watch on the left side or the right side is a fashion statement.Wat's the difference?I guess I wont understand.And one more incident I remember from wat happened in my flats.A girl tied Raakhi on my left hand and I became the clown of the moment when my friends told that Raakhi on the left hand is tied for only their woh woh.And plzz solve this puzzle for me.A guy, if he wears a stud in which ear becomes a gay?Theres some more drama to it like if it is on left side durin nite ur a gay.Now females wear bigger studs or earings on both ears.so FEMALE=MALE+GAY.This is even more rubbish than my logic.

In almost every Indian movie I have a seen a scene of the good for nothing bride entering the house first slamming her right leg in.Well I have even seen it live.Jesus christ himself famously qouted "not let thy left hand know what thy right hand doeth".And how did I forget this?Everyday v c this scene in front of our eyes.The typically shy girl resting her head on the right shoulder of a guy and holding his right hand.The real reason is v guys keep our purse in the right pocket of our pant.Hmm got it now atleast be careful.Atlast I cud decipher something but anything I do generally is towards the useless.Thank god these ppl havent taken this left or right syndrome to obsession levels.Imagine hunks like Salman build only their right hand muscles and right side chest.That wud be quite a sight.The Roman word for "left" is "sinister", and the phrase meaning "masturbation" is translated to "left-handed whore".Now when did a guy turn into a whore?So do not trust any left handed males.He might after all turn out to be a whore.Now again there's the left brain and the right brain syndrome which is the only thing true 'cos it has been proven and accepted.Wat about Da Vinci then?He cud paint with his right hand and write something at the same time with his left hand.I guess all equations vanish if u consider him as an example.But ppl have found a clever way of tackling this also-Exceptions are not examples.Ironic it is that a left handed guy lambasted even in this blog is sending shivers down my spine by almost promising to comeback.Enuf of left n right I guess.When viewed separately ur brain imagines so many things with them or even worse contorts them into a series of unfathomable expressions.But watch it in sync like the girl who did it sitting beside me u'll know it's value and it's effect.Or even better the March Past which the Army is so proud of is a smooth sequence of these two things.View them together u'll know it's beauty or else u will have 2 read blogs such as these.I guess u wud be wiser for the thought.But one thing which is still beautiful even when it is single is a child sucking his left thumb.I have never seen a child suck his right thumb so far.Now y is that?
ashwin

GARAM MASALA

2005-11-13T19:39:00.000-08:00

Weekend weekend wow I really craved for this and yo I got it and guess wat I made use of quality time available to me.No I did not come back to office to finish something nor did I prepare Gung ho for CAT.It was becoming quite a fashion for all leading personalities even for idiots like Tamil actor Prashant to tell that "I am presently gobbling up the The Da Vinci Code,It's an amazing book".Well I never knew from where and when these guys all of a sudden started to behave like critics of Vikram Seth.Gosh it was hurting me and irritating me to find all these fools who act in movies which confirms my stand that they are indeed fools.It was irritating me because being an okay sort of a reader I cud not get hold of the da Vinci code for nearly one and a half years.But that bad streak was put to an end,when I not finding anything worthwhile to accompany me to the loo hurried off to Crossword joint at Shoppers Stop.Hurried because I was a man in a real hurry.I managed to come back with the book faster than wat Ganguly does at the wicket and resigned myself to the smell of Odonil and The Da Vinci Code.I was dumbstruck to say the least after reading 280 pages of the book.I just cud not get my hands off the book.I know wat u perverted minds are thinking right now.Did that asshole come out of the loo or not?

I did come out after 20 pages and its not my graveyard anyway.But really such compelling reading I guess this is the second best book in my rankings after Catch 22 even though I have not finished it.The fact that amazed me more was I read the remaining braindead novels of his Digital fortress,Angels and demons and one more sick one,I do not remember that name.When I read each of those books I thought wat sort of shit does this guy write when he is acclaimed to be a great writer.Ya I got that other novel of his Deception Point.I can say with a hint of arrogance that the last novel that I mentioned was even more worse than my blog.I just cud not believe what I was reading when the Da Vinci code was in my hand.I cud not understand so many things and had to take the help of the net a couple a times.That was the only time I guess I left my prized posession.Seriously anyone reverred in the field of symbols or iconography plzzz do enlighten me.But the weekend just did not pass by only with Da Vinci and his inner world.There is the match b/w India and South Africa coming up and I was trying desparately to get tickets.Again luk has not been on my side lately and I have not been able to push the matter further.Along with the iconographers someone having couple a tickets plzz do help me.I almost forgot to mention I did watch Garam Masala as the title suggests.I initially was unwilling to go to the movie because of 4 reasons:-
1.The director was Priyadarshan who according to me falls in third in list of worst personalities ever, the first two being Charu Sharma and Anu Malik in random order.U decide who shud be placed first and second.After Anumalik he is the biggest Copycat I have ever seen.His formula is simple copy hit Tamil comedy movies and thats what he did with Herapheri and Hungama.Everytime he has tried something original like Lesa Lesa in tamil or Kyun Ki in Hindi he has shown his true Aukaadh
2.It was rated as excellent by my brother who has given the excellent rating to movies such as Mujse Shaadi Karogi,Jis Desh Mein Ganga Behta Hain and innumerous other movies.He is good at rating tamil MEGA serials also.Want to know more about him?
3.The movie was being screened at IMAX.Now Imax is a place that has the feeling hip attached only to the name.Once u step inside it u will find the entire jobless section and the marvadi housewives and all the lovesick pairs inside.Its quite a sight to behold.I have always had a feeling Dawood is hiding somewere there.
4.There was Akshay Kumar in it whose sincere attempts at acting turns out into a comedy like his Khiladi series and not to mention the braindead dumbo John Abraham whose acting skills are as good Parthiv Patel's Catching skills behind the stumps.

Surprised was I when I saw the movie.It looked like PriyaDarshan's original effort 'cos there was some sick comedy too.But on the whole it was pretty ok.Just leave ur brains out when u enter the hall and it is 3 hrs of timepass.Akshay Kumar was surprisingly ok but John like Geoffrey Boyott says was getting no were.Again Priyadarshan proved he still is the worst around by offering limited scope to one of the best comedy actors around Paresh Rawal.And the songs were also surprisingly ok in the sense u dint have 2 go to the restroom each time a song came on but they were repetitive as like any hindi song.Anyways its a bit of fun and some timepass.For a weekend its pretty gud timepass.
signing off
ashwin

READ THIS

2005-11-10T22:57:00.000-08:00

I got a strange request from a friend of myn doing his M.B.A at IIFT Delhi.He was participating in the IIM Indore Bloggers competition which is open for all the B-Schools I guess essentially.The topic was "ARE BLOGS AN ALTERNATIVE FOR CONVENTIONAL MEDIA?".Ya the thing was he wanted me 2 write something on this topic and send it to him.I call this strange because having known him from my childhood I knew that his literary skills were pretty good.So I was thinking poor guy my friend he is willingly gonna loose his shot at glory.But anyways the crazy blogger that I am I wrote an article for him and he has sent it to the competition.The best thing about the competition is there is no screening.All entries are scanned and only the winner and the runner are announced.So I guess me n my friend are saved of maanabhangam.Anyways its nothing wrong to hope as long as u hope for the best.Have a look at what I wrote and put in ur comments as u have always done.Here it goes:

Weblogs or blogs as they are shortly called or affectionately called or lazily called are slowly but silently gaining importance as far as freedom of thought is concerned.There was always the case of "He is talented Machan but no one knows anything about his talent".It's obvious that you cannot sit atop a rickshaw and with a loudspeaker to ur mouth keep barking"I am talented" nor can your friend do that for you.I have personally seen many people whose scribblings were as silken as Ganguly's drives,but the sad part was hardly anyone knew that the person with so and so name could write.If anyone who was talented enough to screw words in the appropriate way wanted to show his or her expertise always had to go through a channel - The Media.In such cases there was a huge chance that you could go unnoticed or your work not reaching everyone.But all that was set right when weblogs came into existance.Imagine even a Whacko like me getting a chance to express myself.Now all of a sudden due to Blog Rennaisance you find a large no of Whackos but mind you mostly creative ones.The thing is what you wanted to say in your own style has been delivered.It is there for everyone to see and it is upto people to decide what they think of your scribblings.

In this sense the topic whether Blogs are an alternative to conventional media assumes higher importance.All of a sudden there is an excitement.This is due to the fact that to discuss such a topic am not speaking but writing ,to put it even better terms I am blogging.Blogs are getting more and more important in the sense that it is the first big step towards unleashing your creativity.When you are writing something for a newspaper or a magazine or for some news channel there's always the fear of filteration.Words could be told in a different way or published in some other way for any no of reasons and in the end you would be left wondering like Ganguly "What went wrong?".Now a days for every website you seem to have a place for blogs.Now why is that when already information is available?You have articles by people like Peter Roebuck,Nirmal Shekar and Mike Marquesse on sports and a variety of things and all these are available in the print media .But even then on the net you would find blogs on all such stuff which are available freely and are read by a large contingent of people and which are really good.The thing is for a blog creativity is the limit.Only that particular person is responsible for all he has written.Neither are u answerable to anyone nor can anyone question you.Precisely that is the place were telling that blogs can revolutionise or replace conventional media ends.There is so much that every person would want to tell.We love newspapers for the nice fact that they are precise and give necessary details because that is what is permitted to write.But imagine a situation where you want some international news, all the recent one's and all the tidbits.IF blogs were the only source at that time just imagine the chaos that would happen each person writing filthy articles like this one and havin a go at Ganguly almost once in every para and where is the news.Or imagine India wins a match and no media available only blogs.Wat do we do?How do we know what's Rahul thinking?Yaa very simple ask him to write a blog after every match that would be real cool.Imagine if Ganguly had blogged his tiff with Chappell instead of tellin it out.How would anyone ask him what actually happened?Write another blog I guess.Yaa but it would have been helpful in cases like Vivek Oberoi's tantrums.He would have tried to blog the entire episode and in sheer frustration building in due to the slow realisation of his poor English would have saved everyone's time.It happens once in a while.There would be no more speeches by Bush to the public- Thank god for that.He would blog his entire speech out and no would even give it a half read.In no sense can a blog replace conventional media.There cannot be even half thoughts of anything as catastrophic as that happening.It would be like Ganguly coming back to the team and scoring runs all over again.It is as simple as that.Media symbolises the freedom to push,to peep,to show the truth and everything one can name.With power comes respnsibility,once that is understood it is safe to reconcile to the fact that blogs cannot replace conventional media.Its a tough thing for all the bloggers to accept but that's what it is.But do remember the first step towards unleashing creativity is always the blog.For a blogger it will always remain his first love.

signing off
ashwin

GOVINDA GOVINDA

2005-11-06T20:01:00.000-08:00

Hii people back after a long layoff.It was real fun till last friday when I had to pack my bag and go 2 tirupathi.Everything was perfect.Flight takin off at right time,landing without any fuss,picturesque environment greeting us when we landed.I cudnt have asked for anything more.Little did I realise the horrors of visiting the costliest God on the planet.Found out that VIP passes were as good as Ganguly's comments on Chappell and it would be of no use.So unceremoniously we were packed off from Tirumala back 2 Tirupathi.Took tickets went back,stood in q for 4 hrs,sacrificed food water and dint even urinate only to be out of the SANCTUM SANCTORUM as fast as Ganguly's stay at the wicket.Also found out a way to take frustration out of your system.Just go and get a job as security gaurd at that place.U can do anything to the pilgrims.Pull them, push them,shove them and repeat these steps again in increasing order of frustration.Do all the above things harder if ur more frustrated.So it keeps going on and on.U shud thank ur stars if u get out of that place in one piece.Since this was the first and this wud be the last time also.So anyone planning for Tirupathi do not think ur VIP's u will be put in ur place very fast.Take a bottle of scent with u very very necessary.Mentally prepare urself for getting mauled physically and guys if ur shy do not go 'cos there wud be lots a oomphs n aahs and girls if ur the typical Indian nari who wud take her slipper out even if a male fingernail falls on her then it's not the place to be.U can peacefully bide ur time at the loo.

Well u can consider all this as a joke or some pain in the neck writing.But seriously u must be there to know how they treat people within the temple premises.I saw some physically handicapped people too being handled the same way.Just cant imagine the plight of all thosee poor people standing in the DHARMA DARSHAN Q waitin for days together only to be swatted out like a irritant musquito.Agreed there's a huge crowd but I guess it cud've been handled in a better way.I guess am bitching about this 'cos if the VIP pass had been accepted I wudnt have spoken about all this.It was a rude wake up call which I certainly dint enjoy.I guess I will settle for Birla Mandir from now.There seems to be no difference at all and when u can relax and have a breathtaking view from there why rush 2 Tirupathi.There were many other things which were disturbing.Everywere in the town I found hoardings of MEGASTAR Chiranjeevi as they call him here.I dont have anything against hoardings of cine actors but the thing he was certifying THUMS UP.Who the hell is he to certify that a drink is good when it has been proved by reputed govt. bodies that it is as good as Harpic.Just imagine the effects it will have on innocent people who believe in their heroes blindly.And if MEGASTAR was doing this at state level another guy has taken this up a notch further.Aamir khan is stamping his authority on Coke.These guys are so sick.They wud tell anything for money I guess.God knows wat else is in stock.Mebbe u wud've Hrithik campaigning for Ganguly and sayin "OLD IS GOLD".Ads have always been a powerful weapon as far as capturing a persons imagination is concerned.Our govt seems to be the funniest they ban all sorts of things, but when something comes up against wat they themselves have clarified there is no action taken.For international brands u have guys like these and now one may see people like Sunny Deol certifying brands like gutkha.In that sense I think hats off 2 KamalHaasan for never being sucked into ads.Same even 2 Rajni.I guess all these people must be sent to Tirupathi without VIP passes.Everything wud be rectified.So from now I guess if my brother troubles my mom she wud scare the hell out a him by tellin "GOVINDA GOVINDA".Thinkin about Govinda I wish he certifies any of these controversial brands.Am speakin about Coolie no 1 Govinda.The brand wud never sell 'cos ppl wud definitely know its a sick joke.
P.S:-I still remain the samson even though many swords were out to cut my hair and I forgot today is Kamal's birthday so happy b'day Mr.KamaHaasan
cheers,
ashwin

GOD IS BACK

2005-10-29T01:50:00.000-07:00

Cricket is my Religion and Sachin is my God.Well u wud've seen all such banners when u go to watch a cricket match involving India.It's the same with me also and my God is back and he is back in spanking fashion.If anything was more eagerly awaited than Diwali it was Sachin's comeback.The way he has done it calls for some extra crackers n add to the pollution.But seriously it atleast calls for a Vodka.Wat 2 say about a man who has made ppl cry, laugh and when the ball misses the bat on those rare occasions it does the entire country is on the edge.He makes people like me to pray.Yes ladies and gentlemen Sachin is back n he is back with a bang.And as they say Ganguly's absence seems to be the icing on the cake.More than Sachin coming back or Rahul taking over I think it is ganguly's absence which seems to be the real fillip for this team.I hope it stays this way unlike those days where a Ganguly fart wud also make headlines.Each time a wicket fell the opposition bowlers wud be licking their lips in anticipation on wat is to come.I think Ganguly of late has contributed to other teams rather than his.It's not like the SMS jokes in which he leaves in a hurry.He jumps,cries,wails,shouts and happily consumes atleast 45 balls for those 20 runs of his.Agreed that he played a pivotal role in getting India back on track but it has come a whole cycle n it's time to step the rot.I think Atapatu might be cursing Rahul silently for not picking Saurav as he cud find himself in Ganguly's position if the current series is any indicator.

On the personal side it has been very disappointing as I have 9 days of leave and am not able to go 2 Chennai to meet my friends.Rain has really wreaked havoc in these parts.I think Hyd has taken the cue from Chennai and all trains are being cancelled or their travel time is long enuf to celebrate ur honeymoon.I think any newly married chicks take my advice and go for a trip to anywhere but it shud be thru Andhra.The cheapest way to celebrate honeymoon.Well take on look at this

Just have a look at the way the street has been completely inundated.That wud be a cool place to set up dinner.I dont know why it's always like this in India.Either it rains so heavy that u have to pee every hour or it doesnt rain at all n under the heat ur made to sweat.I guess this is the reason for goitre in the country.Excessive loss of salt-loss of Iodine.A poet gets disturbed by his surroundings.The same has happened with me.But even in b/w all this I can manage a small smile n sense of triumph.Thank you for the entertainment-Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar.
signing off
Ashwin

one night @ the call center

2005-10-24T09:06:00.000-07:00

Well u guessed it pretty right.I was waiting for this book and I had read somewere on the net that it wud be releasin on oct 25 ,so naturally I was surprised when I got a call from my friend saying that he has purchased it.There was such an urge in me,I dont think I'll have this sort of a drive even before my first night.But screw that guy who has building bridges,filling cement and screwing my mouth.Ya I was at the dentist and had to contain myself.Once the ordeal had finished I just Vroomed on my activa straight into Odyssey n got hold of my catch like a bounty hunter.

Just tell me how would u feel when ur dressed up like a king for the party of ur life and ur stuck in traffic due to rains and get drenched all over or better when ur peacefully reading The Hindu in the loo ur dad knocks bang on the door and ur peace is ruined.Sadly that's how I felt when I finished reading the book.I would thank my dad if he screamed at me for reading this at the loo.It starts of in brilliant fashion in the typical chetan bhagat way.Lots of crisp comments n crystal clear way of putting things and giving a definite dose of trying to peep into a woman's mind.All these were the characteristics of his previous book.They definitely are there here.The first 225 pages exactly to say present the reader a wonderful exhibtion of creative writing.But from then on no one exactly knows wat's happening around neither did he I suppose.People do have their beliefs but the climax was turned into something which Ramanand Sagar would have been proud of.I think Ekta Kapoor is already itching to make a movie n screw every Indian.Gosh a movie wud be better instead of a soap.It is a story about 6 people working in a call centre their struggle,their ambition,their helplessness everything brilliantly told .I just wish those 40 pages werent there.Making a movie were everything is shown in frames n were one scene co-relates to another like Pulp Fiction and any of Mani Rathnam's movies is in itself a great art of telling a story.And imagine to write in suuch a fashion.It's almost unbelievable.It seems to come so naturally to him.He has got such control over his craft.Anyways I dont want to tell anything more n spoil ur mood.U ppl must be already cursing me n some might have already thought of crucifying me but it's definitely worth a read the first 224 pages.Well after that it's upto u.Anyways do read n temme how it is.And dont forget my blogs in between all this.
signing off
ashwin

FAMILY O MELODRAMA!

2005-10-22T05:16:00.000-07:00

Today was a real nice day .No office,but like a fool woke up early to realise it was a saturday n returned to my slumber n happily woke up at 10.My dad asked me 2 do a strange thing today.I was asked to attend the parent teacher meeting at my bro's school.I always wanted to have a look at his school-Little Flower Junior College n yaa I was damn happy to speak the typical elder brother style.He was throwin such looks at me for screwing him there.I still remember these happenings wen I was at school.Ok Ok I wont get bak 2 school.But I definitely have to speak about my family tree.I was thinkin about something to write,then it struck me y dont I continue the nomenclature part of my story.

Anyone who doesnt know my roots just scroll down n u'll find one blog on Initial.Yaa my dad's birth place was Thiruvaiyaru.A quite village with no roads n limited electricity near Tanjore.Well it has a changed a bit u have roads,by roads I mean Roads between pitholes.So anyone wanting to test their driving skills r welcome.But yaa as the climate started to get hot here my mom wud punish us by taking us every summer to Chennai.Chennai is a place were u sweat more than u pee.My mom's famiy was a moderate one with she being the eldest n 3 bro's n a sis to follow.I still remember making my uncle mad every time to take me 2 exhibition,rajnikanth movie and ofcourse beach.Thinking about all that god I cannot imagine the things I have done eating everyone's brain out.Man children r very cute n I love playing with them but 2 think if in future I add to this small population by some numbers n they all turned out 2 be more worse than me.whoa.Tha's 2 much 2 think of.I loved going out on walks with my grandpa.He got me Matka Kulfi always.He was the only person who cud tolerate me even though I named him appu-It was the elephant which was the symbol of Asian game which took place at New Delhi in 1987 I think.Come every summer my mom dragged me along with her and v used to cover the length and breadth of Tamilnadu.

My dad's family was a big one.They were a total of 7.I shud say 5 now.Couple of them have ceased to exist.But yaa they were n are a typical brahmin household u can find.Every year I used to go 2 my village my uncle wud b thrilled to c me.It was a typical village u cud find ppl shitting on the roads n if u knew them they wud coolly even say a hi to u.Most of the morning was spent in sitting before puja n praying n stuff.There never was a shortage of sound at that place.All my cousins wud b there n I as usual was the only person playin spoilsport always.Every year at that place u had a festival called SAPTHASTHANAM .For around 10 days the place wud be very colourful with ppl pulling big chariots all around the village.I loved the elephant rides there.But whoever wants to try that be careful wear pants not shorts 'cos the elephant's hair wud poke u right into ur crotch.Many a time have I been a victim of the elephant crotch syndrome.OOH I shudnt be sayin all this god knows wat the girls r thinking about me now.The best thing was the foos there.U name the variety u wud find it.And another thing was all my uncles names ended with an "AN".Even my dad's.Now this has nothing to do with ANNIYAN.I always loved munching the Black halwa which was sold for 25p n the THEN MITAAY meaning honey chocolate.And anoher thing common there was Paneer Soda.Not many at Hyd know of the existance of such a drink.No its definitely not better than Vodka but its a worth a gulp at the cost of a BACKFIRE.And I forgot to mention it, I used to look so handsome those days no braces around,wearing shorts smaller than the one's Saif wears n hair like Fido Dido.Anyways that was a bit about my native place n a bit about my family.Drop in ur comments as u always have.
signing off
ashwin
P.S.:I got my passport and u know wats my name there ASHIWIN SUNDAR THIRUVAIYARU.Now will anyone tell me wat shud I do to correct this.

GOLU

2005-10-18T10:58:00.000-07:00

Well this was the blog I had been waiting to put up for quite some time.Eagerness to blog is directly proportional to joblessness.But I dint blog for a week or so in the middle that doesnt mean all my sweat and blood had dried up but as I had mentioned before it was due to BSNL'S outstanding dial up connection that I cudnt put up this blog.Hurrah broadband has atlast arrived at home.But even then it's just like the Indian cricket team ,whoever be the captain we would be proud losers.It took me 30 min to upload this 2Mb foto.But I hope this is a new start as far as my net connection is concerned.

All of u can c the foto I guess unless ur naturally blind like me.Anyways that is wat the tamilians call golu.Every year during the festival of Navaratri it is a tradition for many tamilians esp. Brahmins to put up everything they have ,mainly dolls in a series of steps.As the tradition goes it shud be only in odd numbers starting from 3.It goes upto 15.Again the no of steps put is directly proportional to the joblessness of the women in the Brahmin household.U must have got a faint idea as to wat my mom must be doin now.This year it was pretty small only 5 steps.Generally she is around the inverted nose mark-Seven.But as u can c my mom is a real businesswoman.The first thing u'll notice wen u c the foto is Tupperware.In this way she has managed to pump up her sales during these 10 days in the pretext of calling all women for golu.But anyways she does her creativity take all forms during these 10 days.U can c that chariot on the extreme left corner yup that was her creation.And on the floor she has created a park n sows some seeds also in them n they on constant watering blossom into some plant not yet known to biologists.It grows only at Flat no.403.But it tastes pretty ok.My mom remains busy most of the time,so wenever I am hungry I jus go n graze around there.

The best thing about Navaratri is supposed to be Dandiya.Being a Tamilian I have the pleasure of seeing many b'ful aunties n their more b'ful daughters fill my home with their presence.And I make sure that I am there at home gawking at them.Hmmm coming to Dandiya.The first time I managed to shrug off my social inhibitions n hit the dance floor was wen I was in 9th.I had gone to some Gujarati samaj for Dandiya n wow at that age were every female looks b'ful ,it was Ashwin In Wonderland.Lots of Gujarati Pottis doing the hip n the hop.And so immediately I jumped into the cordon and started to use the sticks as if they were lathis in a policeman's hand.And ya at some time I was bound to make contact ,no not with the sticks but on some female.I swung them with all my might only to find them go n strike a woman in her mid 40's straight on her forehead.She gave me a look which matched that of a person who hasnt done her motions for atleast 10 days.And as it happens wen a woman is hurt the manliness in every man comes to the fore.I was asked 2 leave unceremoniously by a man who resembled a sewage cleaner.Alas that was it I had to back out n after that the next chance I got to make amends was at Aurangabad again but this time my dad n mom were around so I behave d like a good boy and made the exit.

I was jus praying for one for more chance jus like the way Saurav is doin now for a place in the team n yo after 5 years it fell staright into my lap.There was this Dandiya dhamaal at my office.After hours of hard work one needed this.N I was shocked wen I saw that the entire corporate strength were trying to squeeze themselves onto a small ground.As fast as relief items disappearing during an earthquake,the sticks for dancing were gone.And as usual pride wounded I was watching silently as many ppl were forging relations n having a ball.Alas I thought it wud be a DIL HI DIL MEIN or better said Kadhalar Dhinam in Tamil were me the hero dancing like the wind wud find a heroine, if not Sonali atleast a Munniamma.But am not jealous of that guy kunal.Guys like him can find gals like Sonali only on the net.But as the event proceeded it seemed like a buffalo bathing exercise rather than dandiya n the DJ was doin one f***** up job of playin balle balle mundiya soniya stuff.But I had to prove to the world even I was a Homosapien made of blood a.k.a Nirmal Shekar.So I let my social side dominate n there I was dancing like Shammi Kapoor, my bellowy hair cutting thru everyone.Due to subdued body movements and an increasing waistline I was damn tired n wat did I achieve doin all this in the end?I puked everything 'cos I jumped so much and wasted 72 bucks on an auto to take me home.Well someone plzz teach me Dandiyaa.
signing off
ashwin

ISKOOL

2005-10-13T14:06:00.000-07:00

Well I donno the exact term for wat I am gonna say.No it isnt Writer's Bloc.The thing is I have a topic n I have the necessary resources also for putting up another stupid blog.But the lesser I speak about BSNL dial up connection the better I think it wud be.So after desparately putting lots of man hours over the last week on sendin a mail via BSNl I have given up n given up the topic too.The only thing which would be resolved in a flash was LOGOUT.I donno how did that happen.So after cursing my system,BSNl connection n my stupidness at not even having winzip and proudly working on a system which boasts of having windows98 I took my mind off n went to attend a dance program.U guessed it right, yes I put up another splendid show of Ignorance.It was a dance program performed by my friends sister.N yo like an expert I announced in a calm way-she dances Bharatnatyam very well.My friend gave me one of his SHUT UR MOUTH looks n told me that it was Kuchipudi.Well wat the hell,I dint find a difference nor can I, it's like asking a Musquito to bite correctly on ur ass.None the less I got bored as I usually do n got into a conversation with one of my junior who studied at my school.

Hmmm my journey towards attaining wisdom started at the age of 3 when I was put into a school called Cluny.I remember as a kid, finger in my mouth catching hold of my mom's pallu I went crying to school.But whoa I stopped crying immediately when a girl called Rosy came n sat next 2 me n started to speak 2 me.That was the only time I think in my life had a girl volunteered to sit beside me leave alone talking.After that it was like a seesaw, the moment I went and sat beside a female yo she wud pop out.Guess it was my sweat.Even now I think it is.And after that I entered into a reallly reputed school which boasted of having 2 branches.I was in the branch which cud support only till 5th std.But I fell so much in love with that school that I tried my level best to flunk in my 5th grade.But fate had it's say and I was promoted.The thing I hated 2 go to the other school was it ,was lying in some jungle and access to that jungle was only by school bus which wud arrive sharply at 7:00 in the morning to disturb my wet dreams.Yaa I had realised by then that other than trees n buildings there was soemthing called girls to look at.Although telling it in public in school was considered a sin.The moment I got down from the bus I cud hear a bee buzzing in my ear.No it was my HM who had slapped me for pushing another guy while getting down. I was thrilled at seeing a huge campus where I cud run around without the fear of my shorts fallin down or being pulled by someone else.In 1 month itself I was made class monitor.Class monitor is a psycho who derives pleasure seeing his fellow mates beaten up for no good reason.Talkin loudly,eatin during class,talkin2 girls-How dare he do that wen I myself didnt.Anything u cud find like eating with others spoon,giving wrong answers wen teacher asks something,the class monitor has to make a note down n the more he collects the more pleasure.In between all this the biggest sin of them all was giving shakehand 2 a girl.It wud bring down a fatwa.All the class boys were united on this front n the person involved in such activities were shunned from the boys community.Obvious the girls also wudnt accept him so poor guy was left somewere in the middle.

Another thing about school was each one tryin to impress the teacher in the hope that u wud be awarded more marks n someday wud land up as some house captain.But all that dreams were shattered wen my teachers drove home the point that I wasnt born for studying n getting marks.N the parent teacher meeting wud ignite the psychic intent of every teacher.I cud see the burning desire in every teacher of myn.They were vociferous in their attacks against me n my dad wud coolly nod his head n take me home.We wud laugh over their musings.The name of my school was D.A.V. Public ISKOOL that was the way the cleaners wud pronounce it.V had a peculiar way of speakin at skool "Arre chimping,Oh shining" all this was used wen someone wore a new dress or got a new scale anything new even a new GF.And the biggest bad words at skool were ur bummm,ur penn.The stress is on m and n.V loved playin KhoKho at skool.Y we loved it was most of the times girls n boys used to play it together n v wud kick the girls as hard as v cud n shout "Kho".That was the only occasion were u cud a touch a girl without thinking n blinking twice.The worst time to be at shool was during Raakhi.Girls all of a sudden would surround u like bees n in the most pleasin manner tie it n go away.There were 4 groups in my skool.No I wont tell their names u'll curse me even more .As usual I tried hard but always won only the participating certificate.But as we started to grow there were lessons in biology which started to interest us.Girls wud ask for combined study on such topics 'cos they dint understand anything.And the social reformers that v were v taught them everythig v knew.Everyone was happy n enlightened n the wisdom of Ashwin T Sundar was spreadin like wild fire.The most poplular thing at that time was @jokes.N yo I had a repository of them thanks to my sardar flatmate.Everyone blossomed from buds to flowers during the excursion which marked a turning moment in many a career.V were face to face with the teachers n all the boys n girls together created a cozy atmosphere n yo @jokes flyin all over.V sure flunked our exams due to the enthu generated by them.But all in all it was a memorable experience.My skool was my first love.There is a felling of nostalagia running thru u wen u think about ur skool.Desparately dying to have another go at skool life.Signin off.
ashwin

WOW HYDERABAD

2005-10-06T02:14:00.000-07:00

After staying for 4 years at a hostel,I did not know whether I missed my home or Hyderabad more.But as Joseph Keller pointed out there's a catch in everything.I definitely missed home but I had mixed feelings about the city where I was brought up into a fine individual coupled with power of writing blogs which wud test the limit of stupidity.Ya everything about this place fascinates me be it the cobbler at charminar or the S/W nerd at Hitec city.Alas this isnt Aamchi Mumbai where I cud've given a Ramgopal Varma start "Yeh sheher kabhi sotha hi nahin".Well I cant say something like that but any blog without a description of this fascinating place wud be incomplete.So let me move on.

Hyderabad was the gift of the Nizams.No it wasnt that they donated it as such to India.They built it to suit their own wishes n voila Hyderabad was born.The capital of the state of Andhra Pradesh, Hyderabad is the fifth largest city in India with an ancient civilisation and culture.Ok I'll cut the crap everywhere u find this rich in culture,every city has it's own civilisation blah blah.The rate at which it's growin it mite overtake other cities in terms of size due to the ever increasing inflow of s/w nerds.U have more S/W cos here than hospitals that's the reason U c all hospitals crowded here. N it is divided by 1 big really big swimming pool n the other side is called secunderabad it's twin.I really donno the concept of twins neither the geographic one nor the biological one.The only thing similar wud be people spitting paan n lots of traffic n Chai dukaans.Well u can find out a Hyderabadi even from a milling crowd.Here is wat u need to look at:
1.Paan in mouth n spitting it all around him sometimes even on him
2.Cleaning his mouth with Irani chai
3.Whenever he opens his mouth u wud find a "NAKO" comin out
Irani chai is a must for any true Hyderabadi.At no two places does the tea taste the same. And at no one place does the tea taste different. Well wat the hell no one here knows how Irani chai actually tastes like to tell the truth.Each one says his is the original,another sign u can use to trace a Hyderabadi.Well do tell me if u find the real one.N I forgot 2 mention that swimming pool is called Hussain Sagar.It's basically a collection of all the sewage in the city.U can find Buffaloes havin a cool bath n every Dhobi's life depends on this lake.It has got also lots of mud,clay,paint courtesy the Ganesh Immersion.N I forgot a bit of water.N the coolest thing about the people here is every attraction is on this lake.Even Lord Buddha hasnt been spared.U have boating ,surfing,parasailing all on this wonderfully clean place smelling better than a collection of Public toilets.Heard there's a theme park gonna come up on it's shore.I cant wait to bath in it's waters.The latest attraction has been the IMAX opposite to the lake.It started of with fanfare but now has became a huge public toilet with scores of ppl comin in for the AC.N ya u have necklace road beside the lake runnin around 8km n yaa wonderful place in the evening lots a musquitoes,nice smell around,lots a girls n u have hotels there which give u a gr8 view of all the sewage around.

One more thing u cant miss here are the Bus Drivers.5 yrs they were criticised for stoppin the bus even when someone scratched their hair on the road now it seems it's their turn .They do everything to kill u.U neednt climb a roller coaster to find out wat I am tellin.Jus climb the buses here at peak hours u'll have a whale of a time.N the Autowallas r pretty ok here except that they r mostly drunk n u can hear "Maikyo***" often from thier mouth.N the good thing is they use their Meters but recently Chennai's influence has been rubbing off on tehse guys as well.Well well how cud I ever forget this.Telugu Movies.If ever u wanted to c all the colour combinations jus have a look at the heroes here.Pink shirt n a purple pant or better Yellow shirt n red pants.Wow that shud be some captivating watching.Everything is a hit here.All u need to do is associate urself with some actor in someway.Even posing as a illegal child wud do the trick.Next step get Trisha to act in the movie definitely with clothes,songs u neednt worry anything wud do any sharma,prasad anyone wud be enuf no Mozart needed to please ppl here.Lots of gaalis n fights n yo u end up with a perfect recipe.I'll give u an eg.The movie name is Balu abcdef.Can any rational humanbeing guess wat the hell that is?A Boy Can Do Everything For Girl.Now u get the picture I guess.N the best thing is all the heroines wud be from the north even Iran that far.As far as physique is concerned no body n all required more flab wud help.

N u have the Birla Mandir a beautiful piece of architecture.Lots of marble stones cool n shiny n provides a Gr8 view from the top in case u willing to.Lots of nice gods present to pray.More the no of Gods more does one's wishes grow.All in all it's a nice wishing place.N u have the majestic Golconda Fort.It's really huge huger even then Andrew Flintoff.U need to be at top physical condition if ur plannin to visit the fort.Heard that's the reason y Laxman doesnt come here.Well u have around 700 god knows how many steps to climb.Kids wud really love it there for the history out there.The best thing about that king was he had uncountable no of wives.N so u can imagine how many children.No wonder India's population started to grow dramatically in the 17th century.It's highest point at Hyderabad U can c literally everything from the top.If ur as blind as me or u've got a power of something of the order of -5 then it's a critical waste of time.Then u have the film city.Once u have a look at that u'll know the power of money.I think it's as big as the moon lots of attractions enuf to kill a lazy guy.The only problem is Indian film makers do not like anything that's good n innovative so this has been used more for tourist rather than for shooting purposes.

Then u have the Musi river n the only good thing about it is,it isnt smelly like Chennai's Cuvam.A river it's called but u wud hardly find water in it.Then there's wat people call still the real Hyderabad-Charminar.It's a beautiful monument with 4 towers lookin on all directions n once u get into it it's no more b'ful only pigeoon shit can u smell.It has the famous Mecca masjid behind it.Mostly populated by the Muslim community it has sadly caught the eye for riots,spoiling the region's very own charm.But tourists neednt worry it doesnt take place often mebbe once in 6 months.Name the thing n u wud find it there.Antyhting from Peshawari Suits to the famous Hyderabadi Pearls u can lay ur hands on it.U have the Madina Haleem which is available in the month of Ramzan.Unfortunately being the vegetarian I havent been able to taste the essence of Hyderabad - The Hyderabadi Biriyani.It has become so famous that it has been sold everywhere on the same name.N then u have the railway stations which r famous for the Eunuchs n the Imbliban Bus stand known more for pinchin asses syndrome - pick pocket.N then u have all these s/w cos huge ones all of them in a single area.U can find me there.There's no beach here so they r plannin to get one half of marina into hyderabad.Land has been already allocated n they say the plan is to throw stones into marina so that they can divert it one day here.Real ambitious one.Mebbe I cud never eat the Biriyani here but u must taste Gokul chat here if ur a real hogger.Ppl dont mind u eating as long as u dont fart on their faces.So crazy are ppl here for the food here n u have the kolhapuri's here which wud lend a royal image to ur legs.It is the land of the Azharuddins,Laxmans,Sanias,Gopichands n so many more not gettin any more yaa it's comin urs truly.Well wat ever be the changes around this place one thing definitely hasnt changed Hyderabad Rocks.
P.S:I may have missed out many things that's 'cos this blog was already gettin huge.Plzz do comment as u always have.
ashwin

A FOOL

2005-10-04T14:11:00.000-07:00

Seeing her walk across the road
I saw those eyes glance furtively at me
Surprised was I by the intensity of her look
That I thought her face would be descriptive enough to fill in a book

Days passed by and I always caught that glance
Furtive and strange,her demeanour always threw me in a trance
I was dying to see that face behind that veil
Marching forward I asked her what is in there that u arent willing to reveal?

Acting as busy as a bee she ignored me and left the place
To my horror she called 2 policemen & saw her finger point at my face
They looked like bears and I dint even know how to climb a tree
Oh no wat was happening,I was almost about to pee

Then I could feel a hard hand touch me & shake me up
I woke up with a start only to c my dad stooping over his customary tea cup
Bursting out into a laugh I wiped off my drool
And then realised a fool always remains a fool

ECLIPSED

2005-10-02T21:44:00.000-07:00

"12:30 ki Apparama Onnum Saapidadhe,Purinjidha".Those were the exact words my mom uttered when I left home for office.It means Do Not Eat Anythin After 12:30.Well wat do I tell,today seems to be a lunar eclipse or something n my mom is pretty strict about such things.She has been saying these words since yesterday.I remember the first blog I had written here.It was about college life esp. hostel life n stuff.The reason I started to write was out of sheer frustration.I needed an emotional outlet.I wanted a place where I cud say what I felt n put things in my perspective n the best thing was I was not saying all this 2 myself.I felt I was discussing it with people around.It was not a diary entry that I was making.The frustration in me seemed to have orchestrated to such levels that I started to write pretty frequently.

A frustrated soul can think in so many ways I've found that.There is that anger which stems from within which only U can feel.It has become a sort of a phenomenon I guess with me.Everything I saw ,I felt,I heard all of them seemed to increase the frustration.The nature of politics,the Indian team not doing well,rains,droughts,death,communal riots,shops opening late closing early,the barber cutting more hair than I wanted him to,breaking a pimple while combing my hair,my braces,continous usage of Alt+Ctrl+Del n god knows many more.With passage of time Frustration seethed in more due to the reason - none to inspire me nor cud I inspire somebody.There was a useless good for nothing feeling building up n growing like a cancer inside me.But yesterday seemed to cure me of everything.I felt I had taken re-birth again.It was the perfect start to the day.As u know it was a Sunday n to my happiness I had got up late after sleepin early.I needed this I guess.By the time I brushed my teeth n seated myself in the sofa it was 10:00.

It was then that the sunday magazine of THE HINDU caught my eye.I am a guy who wud first read the sports page n then read anythin else.But yesterday I got hold of the magazine n saw what had caught my eye.It was an article on Gandhi.It was october 2 his birthday I shud've expected something to appear in the newspaper about him but I was surprised when I had a look.There was a staue of his clad in his customary dothi but the thing was it was in the heart of Atlanta.It was situated in the Martin Luther history museum.I was always an admirer of people who could provoke such mass reactions among people.Rajnikanth,Kamal,MGR,Amitabh,Sachin to name a few.But I even admired another man who cud provoke such a reaction which even all the people which I have mentioned above together wudnt be able to manage.Yes am talkin about Gandhi.I was never a believer of his ideals nor worshipped him.Nor that I do now.There was admiration for the way he carried himself n asked others also to carry themselves in any situation.Onle line in that article which left my heart pounding was "Oh,was he the guy who took on the might of the British Empire?".
It reminded me of the last scene from one of my favourite movies "Hey Ram" where the crowd tries to attack Ghodse after he killed Gandhi even U can c Kamal having a go at his pistol.But at that moment Om Puri stops everyone saying this is the time to prove ourselves by not indulging in any violence against Ghodse.Well that sums up the man as a whole.

N after reading all that I felt numb n I found myself watching SWADES another gr8 movie.Some of the scenes in the movie really tug at ur heart.And as if the icing on the cake I got hold of Illayaraja's Thiruvasagam.I have heard the songs once but yesterday after Swades I took a patient hearing of it n yo there was I at another level.Though I dint understand much I cud feel an elevated sense of happiness.A man with no music knowledge wat so ever today with the help of the best sound engineers in the world has given shape to a grand symphony.The best thing about it was it was done by an Indian.Wat was I waiting for all these days?Wat was I searching and Where was I looking for it?There was an overwhelming sense of shame in me which had replaced all the frustration.The statement "Oh,was he the guy who took on the might of the British Empire?" was made by an some American if not many.The shame was I needed someone from some other country to tell me "Why all the frustration when u urself are to blame?".The fact is that V have totally been totally eclipsed from seeing the light.When v ourselves have forgotten people who made our country proud then where do v go.Y do i c only depression,Y have I forgotten people who inspired a whole generation,Y r their ideals no longer alive.Well yesterday I made a honest admission -Never blame,Try to do it urself.I have been tryin to look for inspiration outside when all I had to do was peep inside.The frustration was just a mask for not looking inside an excuse to blame others.Well am very happy 'cos am feeling again what I hadnt been feeling for quite some time "PROUD TO BE AN INDIAN!".

And on a lighter note I saw someone had put up a comment asking wat "Cogito Ergo Cum".Well if anyone thought it is some Rocket Science am sorry it's a just an ugly remake of a very old cliche.The actual saying is Cogito Ergo Sum which means I think,Therefore I am.It was made by the famous mathematician and philosopher Rene Descartes.With help from my friend Avinash and the net I arrived at this title.N I neednt explain wat cum is or do I need to?So there was the title.
cyaa ashwin

GOING MOBILE!

2005-10-01T18:10:00.000-07:00

Well my creativity seems to be at it's lowest ebb.I have started to look at the owl as a thing of beauty.just kidding.But seriously speaking I wasnt in any mood to blog.It was not running out of topics, just that I felt I was working too much.He He.The most important contribution of Modern Science to the mankind has been the discovery of the MOBILE phone.Well I must put it as the 2nd most important one.For me the first one will always remain the condom.But none of us can ignore the fact that the Mobile culture is growing on us even on Mohinder Amarnath who became famous for sayin I have only a lap not a laptop when asked about his technical expertise for holding the post of Indian coach.Well he sure does hold a Mobile I saw that for sure.

But the point is not only Amarnath but everyone seems to be having one.Even I have one for the record.It has just made it's presence omnipotent,especially in the Student community.
U'll c a guy or a gal from college coming to write an exam without a pen but not without an mobile.Now everyone knows y they do that.Saw MunnaBhai rite.A mobile is mightier than the word.U have all sorts of these moblies lightweight,heavy,feather weight even my weight.My dad used to hold one, that oldest phone which even Adam wud've desisted from using.He held that as if it were an MBE but due to increasing resistance within the family he disposed it and he took another one.Me n my dad r not tech savvy people but even in the hands of such people ur getting used to c a mobile.N my mobile even has a torch.Wat do i do with that?Find treasures in my mouth I guess which is aleady brimming with cement n holes.I have a bsnl phone at home.It acts even as a mobile.Simple,the moment u lift the reciever the cord which attaches the reciever n the phone comes out n ur left speakin 2 urself.

U can listen 2 a song,record ur own voice,watch movies,surf on the net,play 3D games god wat n wat not.But all this doesnt seem to satisfy the Delhi guy n yo he uses the other option MMS n well look wat's happened.That's the flip side.But the most irritating thing about the mobile is the SMS 'cos even I fell a prey for it.Not anymore 'cos am bak to Hyderabad where instead of sendin sms I cud've a decent lunch.Chennai is the place to be in if u want to have the real benefit of a cell phone.U have every scheme there pay n dont use,pay n useless,paymore useless,dont pay dont use name the crap u'll get it.All the couples at my college used to get themselves an add on card.N as usual the guy had to make the purchase n the add on was his sweety.N u cud speak on it for hours no billing.This became popular among staff also guy gettin the female teacher an add on card.Hey he was learning his tuitions.And the sms schemes dont ask it's free.A recent survey conducted by a reputed institution has indicated that due to free SMS married couples have stopped talkin 2 each other.
here's an eg:
HUSBAND:can v lay down the foundation for having children tonight?
WIFE:Y nite now itself jus come down to the kitchen naa,it's only a 300 Sq. foot walk from ur study.
Well well if they r so lazy I donno how Chennai still contributes in a handsome way to the Indian cause.V'll dig into that some other day.

But the worst thing is neither can u throw it away nor live peacefully with it.It's like ur drafter.
Drafter remember engg.drawing 1 year hmmm. Real pain in the d ass wasnt it.Fortunately I never had a Mobile when I was at college. Simple hostels r known for the grand ways in which ur things cud be stolen.U had a gang even better than Daniel Ocean's.Due to such gangs, my friends I have seen always ended up cursing everyone n Mobiles were first on their hit list.Do not think am too intelligent I lost Money if not a mobile.My friend had a brand bew 6600 which is broader than me n whoa he lost a whopping 14k on that.Add to that the new one he has got now 16k.Thankfully due to the curse of the devil he has completed his engg.N u can judge a person just by the way he is glued to his mobile.An even more efficient speed is to loook at the way his messages fly.
CASE 1:slow enuf for u to have a tea,eyes searching for the keys,poor guy doesnt know about the dictionary,gives up n asks u 2 type the message.Such guys generally loose their GF'S.
CASE2:is getting used to the dictionary is embedding all the bad words he knows into it.Has time only 2 scratch his ass wen he's hooked up.
CASE3:Well these r the SMS nerds.U have one look at them it wud be like watching a tennis match from the side rows.Eyes wud be moving faster n more faster n the fingers matching them frame 2 frame.Most likely to abuse u if disturbed.
CASE4:Well these r the people who give u a complex.Tell u that ur fit for nothing n that title wud be added to u disgracefully even
in the field of SMS.These r the kind who say "Hi machan" wave to u with their left hand offer u a smile.Well wat's wrong about them then?The thing is they wud be typing an SMS actually n act like speakin to u.Jerks is the only word I can find for those kinda people.I have seen many of my friends having twisted their necks havin a sour ass n broken nails,butter fingers,aching limbs.Achin limbs well my hostel dint have western toilets.Well all this is due
to the different poses they find themselves in while typing a message.People have started to use it even in the bathrooms just
to prove that even they work.Not only here but even Rahul,Saurav,sehwag,Sachin all of these n many more have been used to woo people n they have been a part of the network fights.Well Saurav again seems to be an exception.Due to his exemplary performance in the recent past he has been asked to step down n take care only of pre-paid duties.Post paid I heard mite land up with Greg.

And now it isnt hep to have earphones plugged to ur ears while driving no more OH HUMDUM SUNIYO RE.U can c a guy his ass wud be on the seat n his head wud be tilted so far towards the left u cud cut his hair n go.Yes ofcourse he wud speakin on his mobile.N the thing which makes me sick r these ringtones.Each time I hear to a sound buzzing I think it's my phone n VOILA my hand goes below I mean it's in my pant pocket.I have become so sensitive to these sounds that even a cockroach farting seems to be a ringtone n off my hands go down.If the same trend continues ppl will start doubtin if I have piles.And as if all this was not enuf udesparately pick ur mobile n make a call .One of the rare occurances.The best thing about my Dad havin a mobile is I can give him a missed call.Ya coming back to the point u pik ur phone dial ur friends no n wat do u hear "MANGAL MANGAL".This is the last nail in the coffin according to me u call to talk ur friend n all u hear is someone barking.Sorry that song is pretty good but imagine if someone has "AASHIQ BANAYAA AASHIQ BANAYAA" .Wat does ur friend do?He doent pik up the phone for a couple a minutes n ur left to rut in hell.N then he asks "GAANA MAST THA NA".Shit I am gettin a ring on my mobile ya am sure it's my mobile got 2 answer it or else at the ohter end "DIL CHAHTA HAI"
cyaa n happy weekend.
ashwin

A SILENT PRAYER

2005-09-29T11:58:00.000-07:00

Stumps shattered and a dejected look
He trudged out slowly his head a slinging motion
Everyone thought the cause for his dejection was his dismissal
But only he knew the reason as he was headin on a war path just like a corporal

Deep down he heard a rumble and something was eating him away
The problem started when he expressed his feelings in the reeling heat of may
I asked him what did she say?
He said "Due to something called RELIGION I have to pay"

And today he tells me he has asked her for the Nth time
But all he got was Tresspasing one's religion is an unpardonable crime
To date she has remained his true friend
But he cannot accept this and is desparate not to reach THE END

An Idiot was he made by people whom he thought were his friends
Wiser now he is realising some of them were fiends
Scared he is to think about the future
For the possibility of her marriage is giving him a torture

Dreadful have been his thoughts as he calls himself a Lunatic
But to rise like the Phoenix has always been his characteristic
Hope my friend breaks barriers - Religion and higher
The Atheist that I am I offer a silent prayer

KAAPI OR CAPPUCINO?

2005-09-28T12:15:00.000-07:00

The history and development of the beverage that we know as coffee is varied and interesting, involving chance occurrences, political intrigue, and the pursuit of wealth and power.Looks like the start u get in History Channel.According to one story, the effect of coffee beans on behavior was noticed by a sheep herder from Caffa Ethopia .He had noticed that his sheep became hyperactive after eating the red cherries and another legend gives us the name for coffee or "mocha" not anyway related to Mochi that shoe shop where u wud've to sell ur house to get a pair of shoes.By the way Mocha was the name of the town. The Turks were the first country to adopt it as a drink, often adding spices such as clove, cinnamon, cardamom to the brew.Turkish law makes it legal for a woman to divorce her husband if he fail to provide her with her daily quota of coffee. It was much later introduced in Arabia where it was gaurded as if it were some military plans.Coffee was believed by some Christians to be the devil's drink.It has another tale to it.The beans was boiled n drunk by Arab traders n they called it "QAWAH" .Anyone who has seen Mission Kashmir will agree with me.

Then it made it's way around to Italy were it was even Baptized by the then Pope.The Dutch become the first to transport and cultivate coffee commercially, in Ceylon and in their East Indian colony - Java, source of the brew's nickname.For all those s/w nerds it isnt the Java which u think.In Germany the derogatory term "KaffeeKlatsch" was coined to describe women's gossip at coffee affairs.Some scientist in South America produced the instant coffe n termed it Red E Coffee.Those in Chennai wud be familiar with a shop of this name in Nungambakkam n I guess another one in Chetpet.Nestle company invented freeze-dried coffee, developed Nescafe and introduced it in Switzerland.Birth of Nestle.
Question:wat does all this research on coffe prove?
Answer:I am really jobless someone plzzzzzzzz come online.

Well now everyone who has read this blog wud've been enlightened enuf n be ready to crack CAT.I got a reading comprehension which was similar to the paragraphs written above.No wonder I dint crack.Now coffee is something nice to listen.How's this for a take-KAAPI.Ya that's wat we tamilians call it.Kaapi is a must in every house in Tamilnadu.Even the Mylapore Mami's devour it.Any house u go or that matter a restaraunt they wud ask u "Sir, how about Narasus coffe?".Yes Narasus is the hot running brand for years but with products like "Idhu Bru ma" it's been falling down of late.But yes if ur a welcome visitor to a house in T.N. then u'll be provided food n then u finish the meal with a delicous coffee.Not that I am any big fan of it.And if ur someone who has come uninvited then there u go no food directly a coffee.Dont expect anyone to provide filter coffee if u go begging.Tamilians will give anythin 2 beggars not coffee.That's only for the athithi.This is a usual sitiuation in a house in T.N. esp a Brahmin household
Scene 1:Early morning 6:30 A.M.
"Pattu kaapi" This is bed coffee u clean ur mouth that no need to brush this has menthol in it which cleans ur mouth.C how v save money on toothbrushes n paste.As for people wearin braces 2 cups would do.
Scene 2:Morning 7:00 A.M.
After lazing around for a while n performing PRATAHA SANDHYAVANDHANAM another coffee this is one is as Saif says for the pressure.
Scene 3:Morning 8:00 A.M.
This is before u go 2 office as it makes u fresh n helps u to relax.
N then as the day goes one during the seista time to relieve the headache n after getting back home. Tiredness n lots of work are the reason n to end the day one in the night.This is again for not having brushed in the morning.This compensates n continues.For anything like cutting ur nails,having a shave,Scratchin ur hair they serve kaapi even when someone dies ,someone is born hey not 2 the baby which is born.That is the only thing which has been spared of kaapi.

Now not all the illads do this.But some form of the bean has to go in.So came about the make over from kaapi to cappucino.Well all this started with the launch of espresso machines.The name espresso is Italian in origin loosely translated, means a cup of coffee brewed expressly for you.Expresso is the number one alternate spelling related to enjoying the worlds most seductive coffee: espresso. I do not know the origin of this mis-spelling, but at least 1/4 of people searching for an expresso machine - putting it the right way.

WHAT IS CAPPUCINO?
Cappucino is one third expresso coffee, 1 third steamed milk and 1/3 milk froth with a bit of mud n clay. Capuchino is a similar drink made by men in light brown pants. Capucino, capuccino, cappachino?? Who knows. Well Cappuccino is named for the resemblance of its color to the robes of the monks of the Capuchin order. Now every coffe lover around the world wud've had a sip of cappucino.Even a guy like me has had it.So I expect everyone of u to have tasted it.Didnt anyone of u find anything wrong qith it? U can ask "Yes Newton,wat did u find?".The point is I found something but unfortunately not while I was drinking it.One day casually as I was going thru THE HINDU I found an article which stunned me.It's caption was something like this "CAPPUCINO DRINKERS HAVE AS MANY LIVES AS A CAT".Well I got curious n went through it n gosh I almost drowned in my own puke 'cos the previous day only I had a Cappucino.Well for all those sweet cappucino lovers here's a shock it contains cat's FAECES.I cudnt believe wat I was reading.At that time I thought poor me if I feel so bad how wud all those cappu fellows feel.I laughed heartily thinkin at that.It was like watching Rajnikanth dance on the tv with volume muted.People who dint belive wat I was sayin click here.U'll know the truth n will be definitely enlightened.Well I can imagine how u ppl must b feelin after readin that.All I can say is it happens even with the best.I feel like Sherlock Holmes who has had his man in his dragnet n is proudly lecturing him the ways he went about finding it.Well what u choose Kaapi or Cappucino?It's ur call - U can be a humble tamilian like me or have as many lives as a Cat's.
And And I am sorry I'll clear the question lingering on everyone's mind "Why dint Ashwin attend COFFEE WITH KARAN?"
Well I'll give u 2 good reasons:
1.I dont get along with guys who give the oomphs and the ouchs
2.He serves Cappucino not coffee. Now isnt that enuf.
P.S.:-ILLAD is the slang used by the BITSians and even the IITians to describe a tamilians.Like wise telugu people are called Gults and North Indians are called CHOMS-chapathi oriented men.
cyaaa ashwin

DEATH

2005-09-26T23:06:00.000-07:00

Walking among the group I feel the eerie silence hanging over me
I looked at her face still and frozen
Hell would be better I thought
Instead of the guilt I had built up like a wall

Eyes downcast and carrying a lump in my throat
I was shaking all over just like a rudderless boat
Where was I when she needed me on her side
Fate played a cruel trick by changing the tide

Trembling hands and a running nose
I unvieled the shroud to see her strike a pose
Tears were a scarcity
But for the guilty soul it seemed to be a necessity

She was always there when I needed her the most
And we celebrated small victories with a toast
I can still see her corpse burning on the pyre
My heart stopped beating as if stuck in a mire

She left me in a state of nauseation
Only to be heightened by the smell of her own cremation
She always said no one cheats death
Neither good health nor the best of wealth

Never thought she herself would fall in the vicious circle
As I sing this melancholy strain my skin turns purple
But today as I look at her with a garland over her photo
Tears roll down my eyes and I feel "Free the guilt" is going to be my motto

Seers nor my tears will get her back
All I can do is think about her and hit the sack
With trembling hands as I finish this I still ask "Was it my fault or was it her's?"

COMING OF AGE

2005-09-22T21:36:00.000-07:00

I saw a movie a week ago.Am talkin about the latest flick from the Khan clan to hit the screens.Well am no Taran Adarsh to do a review n that 2 on Bollywood but I have my own reservations about that movie.It started of as usual with lots of naked dances on the usual beaches with blue water.Saif like Salman isnt searchin for reasons to get undressed - he is never dressed so that makes it pretty simple.Well coming to the theme of the movie - Concubinage,it cud happen but not I guess in India were like good people we are bound to grihakarya.Imagine going n tellin 2 ur dad "hey pop I have got sick of u,I think I really like her am gonna c were it's gonna go n end so am gonna concubinate" n before u knew wat's happenin Thud... wat was that a neat slap n there ends it.I donno about other pops but my pop would sure do that.N the climax a horrible one at that were abhishek looks more like a secret agent in a doc's robe n goes around peeping every hole he finds.gosh it was sick.I saw another bollywood incredible James.Now if any one critises salman for not wearin clothes am gonna kick them.U shud go n take a look at nisha kothari she wud put salman at shame.She wears all the brightest curtains, u see the one's dangling down from the ceilings at ur home.. man I never knew ramu was so short of money tearin curtains n sofa covers to dress his heroine.

Today seems to be a holy day for me.I came face to face with the joys of watchin water not come from the hand flush n the eternal bliss in using a tissue to wipe it off.yuukk.After that I walked out of the bathroom as coolly as u can get n was actin like a real pseud.My dad is sendin me shivers by threatening to cut my hair which is slowly growin like samson's.God knows wat 2 do with my dad.Me n my dad share a Laurel n Hardy kinda relationship.The catch here is both of us are fat he he.Here are some catchy one's
ASHWIN:Dad, wont it look cool if I keep that bird on my hand n go around.
DAD:Ya u wud look a like a stud if it shits in ur hand.
ASHWIN:Dad,am gonna milk that cow
DAD:Be careful it cud milk u too
God every time I say somethin I wud get hit in the butt right there.But it is real fun givin n takin very less of givin.
I just hate that term coming of age.The Indians seem to use it for everything.From the MAMI'S in Mylapore to Ravi Shastri at Bulawayo everyone seems to use it.Just look at all the contexts it is used:
MAMI:Am so happy for ritu she's finally come of age. Well I donno how ritu was feelin then.
Ravi Shastri:Well U jus look at the way Irfaan is bowlin I can tell u He's come of age.Wat the fuk did he attain puberty while runnin 2 his bowlin mark?I mean he's bowling bazookas at some hapless zimbabweans who have names like diseases n improvin his stats.N shastri tells he's come of age.It was as easy for pathan as was sleepin with men for cleopatra.bad one I guess.
N now have a look at taran adarsh.
TARAN:Hindi movies have finally come of age.Ya with movies like james n i'll give u a dialogue from that useless piece of shit.
VILLAIN(to the hero):"THU USKA DOODH PITA HAIN KYAA?" n rightly so he gets WHAM n ya hindi movies have come of age. Now compare this dialogue n the one from one of my favourite movies FIGHT CLUB.
Tyler Durden is saying, "The first rule of fight club is you don't talk about fight club."
"The second rule of fight club," Tyler yells, "is you don't talk about fight club."
Now u know wat is coming of age.
I guess enuf of enlightment n happy bloggin. n for all those of u who love to test ur I.Q. jus try this link <http://grant.robinson.name/projects/guess-the-google/> n the image on the top that's me he he.
ashwin

lost n found!!!

2005-09-21T04:25:00.000-07:00

Well there is nothing more sweeter than losing something n after all ur die hard efforts u manage it 2 find it say rather get it.It's like u were sittin in discrete math lecture n u were holdin ur urine all through the lecture n then the lousy guy lets everyone free n u have a download...wow... that's the sort of tension u carrry along with u when u loose somethin u treasured a lot n when u get it back I neednt repeat wat i often say "Watever u try the last 2 drops are always in ur pants".wise saying rite.Even though u have a gr8 download there r the scars u cant prevent(u cant hide such scars).similarly even though u get back what u lost ur left with some unpleasant memories about that.

Well the most important thing- wat did i loose?It was my goddamn suitcase.Goddamned till then, the moment I lost it I knew it's enormity.It was not just a weight I was lifting.I had my degree certificates-the only thing 2 prove am another asshole among a buch of assholes,my cheque books(hey am earnin),my cbse certis,my clothes n most importantly my unddies.So many my's were there in that suitcase.The moment I landed in B'lore this catastrophy had occcured.I dint even have a undi 2 change n my friend quietly watchin all this(he was the real culprit) told I can the wear the same thing on the reverse side.I said wow wat sense of timing n wat advice.The suitcase had got misplaced n had moved away quietly to mysore along with the train.Only after a while did I realise it n the moment that happened all hell broke loose.

I remember using cultured language at my friends n ripe with anger I went n reported to the station master.Here's the conversation that took place b/w n the station master.
ASHWIN:Sir I lost my V.I.P suitcase.Blue in colour n has wheels too.
MASTER:Y the **** dint u also go along with the suitcase.
u have got 2 pity him.It was 5 in the mornin.
ASHWIN:I dint go sir that's y am reportin it is lost.
MASTER:wat the hell, are'nt u educated or wat?
ASHWIN:am educated a bit(err..)
MASTER:ya I can c ur a know it all engineer who doesnt know wat he does.
Well I thought of askin "How did u know I was an engg?" but wisely decided not to.
Then after lots of phone calls he told me to come back in the evenin n check out the status.The whole day my mind was only filled with 1 thing "Wen do I change my undi?"

With such unclear thinking n a temper as hot as ajay devgan's in HUM DIL DE CHUKE SANAM wen he find out his wife dotes on someone else.Y am I tellin all this?Ya the whole day I ws in bad spirits partly due to abdomen twitching.Well comin 2 abdomen twitching I donno how do the cricketers give the red cherry a real go at their crotch.The answer is pretty simple u dont want to be caught on television doin such things explicitly so they devised a tactic.genius huh these cricketers.Well there r exceptions 2 that also.Saurav ganguly was once caught in the act n this time he dint let go of it as fast as he wud do to his wicket but he went on n on each time more ferocious more dedicated n it was huge fun when he saw that on the giant screen himself.The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.Poor ganguly he is finding a place even in Ashwin's blogs.Bad times for Indian cricket......

After bitching around the whole day I rushed to the station sharply at 7:00 only to be informed that I had to come back at 11:00 to meet a policeman who wud be comin from Mysore with a bag that fitted my V.I.P's description.With enthu n alarm in equal proportion I went back to my room n prayed for the best .Fearin the worst I went back n to my dismay the policeman was there but not my suitcase.I was told that it was lying at a place called Maddur 45 from mysore n I had to go n personaaly pick it up.Well I was packed off immediately by the policemen into a train by 11:45 to maddur.It looked as desolete as the station in DIL SE(1 SCENE).The station master wasnt there n I was given over the top reception by the guy managing things at the station.He dint stop with that,he gave me comfortable n cosy accomodation on the platform bench.Wow I was having holiday of a life time.I curled up like a prematurely born child n even had an erection I mean due to the cold I cud feel my hair under my neck standin .

Daylight ushered in a new hope in my bleak life n to my utter joy I found my suitcase in all health n style n to top it all nothing was missing.I profusely thanked the station master n thought "not everyone are bad like me".
cyaa ashwin.

THE DENTIST

2005-09-12T05:08:00.000-07:00

The person who has benefitted the most by the birth of his holiness Ashwin T Sundar has been the dentist.Right from my birth I was told that the gums on my upper jaw where a bit 2 low & my teeth wud jar out like a rhino's horn.Well to add 2 all this I fell down a couple of times directly on my face(like those in chaplin's films) & broke couple of my front tooth.And there I was having charming looks and looking as handsome as SHAKTHIMAAN with his tooth out n was promptly named BUGS BUNNY.Though I never thought much about my teeth the moment I stepped into coll my dad n mom pestered me to have braces around my teeth.

So alas in 3rd year of engg I was given such a reception by my friends as does a person get when he goes 2 receive the queens award of honour.In this case the award was pullin out couple a tooth which wudnt come out(thank god it wasnt the canine) & put with tiny peices of metal stickin 2 my tooth which wudnt budge even when pulled by a bulldozer.There it was,I was laid down with all sorts of restrictions on wat 2 eat,wat not 2 eat,how 2 bite,were 2 bite,wat 2 bite n all crazy stuff.All in all I had become a compulsive watcher as far as food was concerned.

But for a brilliant hogger like me the temptation was 2 much.I resisted the temptation for a month but one day when I saw a MURUKKU being served to me there goes everything and like rama had completed his vanavas I just climbed into the murukku but at the same time I cud hear metal clintering away.The more I bit the more I cud hear and like a arrow the string in the clip was shattered and I was spittin meatl pieces all over.This started to happen on a regular basics and the culprits ranged from murukku to apple.

The doctor was fed up with me and it was same with me too.So I took sabattical leave from the dentist after eleven months of irrregular treatment.With the help of my friend and a cutting plier (it is prettty versatile tool). I broke the ends of my string with a dentist's precision he he and I was a happy man again untill three days before where I broke the remainin part into shambles and I was looking like Mr.Bean with pieces of metal jutting out of my mouth courtesy an apple.So there I had to go back to meet my nemesis and he said the entire set had to replaced and the treatment to take 4 more months.
Icing on the cake-the bill was Rs.8000 only.God where is all my salary goin.

Moral of the story:-
1. Never put braces even if ur teeth seems to curve like an elephants tusk
2. If u still want to look like Jassy go to the welder not the dentist he cud do a better job at cheaper rates.
3. If u wear braces do not bite just stuff it in(Tried that once too)

cyaa ashwin

poet in me

2005-09-09T10:30:00.000-07:00

hi this is my clumsy attempt at poetry.hope u get bugged after going through this.

Shadows lengthen and fall
Time seems to come to a stall
Buildings rise by high and tall
Clouds move around and cover them like a shawl
In between all this I stand numb and small
Watching the raindrops fall on one and all
Deep down within I hear a call
N off I take cover in the nearest mall
I could hear a familiar voice hum Pink floyd's WALL
And then I see that face I longed for
Amidst all the confusion I could feel a premonition
"Was this an illusion?" I ask myself
In between all this I stand numb and small
Watching the raindrops fall on one and all
Deep down within I hear a call
I had attained Niravana
I was in love

Hats off 2 ashwin.byee.

WAT'S THERE IN AN INITIAL?

2005-06-04T21:30:00.000-07:00

I dint sleep d whole nite yesterday after watchin Federer lose the way he did 2 a 19 year old bloke still wearin three-fourths.I dont take away anythin from Nadal for his sterling display.It was brilliance n arrogance goin hand in hand.These 2 things form a dangerous combo.It cud take u 2 dizzying heights or cud throw u into unfathomable depths.

Brush aside all these things.Lemme tell u somethin 'bout my name(my INITIAL in particular).My name is T.ASHWIN SUNDAR.I dint mention the initial on purpose in my profile,but I'll dwell on it today.Boy i never thought i wud b writin 'bout this.It was somethin which my friends happened 2 stumble after rifling thru my certificates without my knowledge(bad guys).They had a gr8 time once they found wat the initial stood for.It's THIRUVAIYARU.It's a small village near Tanjore in Tamilnadu.It's basically famous for the Thyagaraja Aradhanas that take place every year durin the month of jan.It was the place of birth of my father.

But y did my dad have 2 name me with a place?I alaways asked him but only got a sarcastic smile in return.Wen he did name in such a way he shud've left it like 'T' only(it has a gravity rite like 'D').Imagine people havin names Mumbai Matre,Kandahar Qureshi,London Lincoln(they r pretty rhuming).Atleast v Indians r better.Look at the westeners they even use the months in the calendar as initials- August Milverton or January Jackson.Man they can go 2 any limit.Hats off dad ur not the only creative guy around.

I cud take all the teasin n crappin n ppl makin a foll out of me with my initial.But 1 day my initial became a timepass even for courierwallas.I'll try 2 reproduce the scene that took place b/w me n a guy workin for some courier service.This is how it went
Courier guy:-There's a parcel for Mr.M.Sundaresan(that's my dad).
Plz take it n sign here.
After that me with all my gutso n my effervescent style took the slip n signed in the way i usually do "T.ASHWIN SUNDAR".
Courier guy:-Wait a sec.R u by any chance their neighbour?
Ashwin :-No.Y do u ask?
Courier guy:-I mean ur initial starts with T & ur dad's name starts
with S & ur father has an initial M.
Ashwin :-Thanx for discoverin it n by the way I have many
dad's n several names.For each dad a different name
n a different initial.U got it.
Courier guy:-Strange family.

Man as if all this was not enuf here comes the ultimate comedy or tragedy wat ever it is.A kid in my apartment noticed this initial differences n asked my dad if I was an adopted son & was T my original Father's name.This was the height 2 which my initial took me n god knows wat other adventures r in store for me in the future.SHABBA KHAIR n catch u later.

TO ALL CRICKET BUFFS

2005-06-03T14:48:00.000-07:00

"Bring on the Aussies"- This is the most repetitive n the worst sentence which can be heard.Ted Corbett I guess has forgotten the significance of this statement n uses this even England wins a tour match.Come july n the most xpected cricket clash of the year "THE ASHES" unfolds.How much ever Tedd Corbett manages 2 hype it or even if all the Englishmen shout in unison "Bring on the Aussies" nothin's gonna change what has been happenin n what will happen.Aussies thrashin the Englishmen is as good a fact n as assured a thing as v know that Sania Mirza wud beat her MOM in straight sets.I have nothin against Sania but that's the truth.

All the English fans do not take ur side's recent form as a sign that they wud capture the ashes.By recent form i meant England beatin Bangladesh.This wud've made every Englishman as proud as Sania wud be when she beats her MOM in straight sets(am a true Hyderabadi).For beatin the Aussies u need 2 have a spinner n yea the Englishmen do have 1 but he turns his arm more than the ball n half the time hez down with injury(piles!).

The Aussies have Shane Warne whoz been a constant source of demoralisation 2 the England team n the Aussies wud manage 2 get wickets even thru Macgills fulltosses.To add 2 all this they have their eternal foulmouth with them.Hez a strange guy indeed.He barks at the opposition even when hez not playin.Hez already started it n is sittin dangerously fit even on 499.God knows how many more will he add 2 it?He barks when he gets someone out or when someone leaves the ball or when sumone hits him beyond the ropes.The best thing 'bout him his he reacts the same way even when someone swears at his wife.

But even after sayin all this the Englishmen r very cunning.I feel they're usin this statement 2 promote tourism n increase their revenues.Hmmmm.....Newayz we'll know shortly what's gonna happen.To compound England's misery Peter Roebuck in his highly polished way of insulting has called in his own terms n words Freddie Flintoff a chucker when he bowls fast.I mean hez branded as a fast bowler so its obvious that he'll tyr 2 bowl fast.Freddie u better try somthin else like say hogging.But rite now am dyin 2 see the clash on clay.I jus can't wait 2 watch Federer trash Nadal.Hope u ppl too watch it n njoi.

catch u later.

COLLEGE LIFE N OTHER THINGS

2005-06-02T18:30:00.000-07:00

Another day at office.That's what people say when u ask them "how did your day go?".But with me it's slightly different "Another day at Hyderabad".Life is sort of brooding and dull here without the rush,the enthusiasm and the uncertainities which surrounded me when I was in coll.This was even more alleviated by the fact that I stayed at hostel.This does not mean hostel is a place where u get treated royally,get the best food available on earth or have damsels dancing around u half-naked thru the night.It's even better than that.U form bonds that serve as a refresh buffer when ur lonely(am a COMSCI GRAD).I'll not get too much into this.

But how many of us really did something productive at coll?Am not speakin of rocket science.It's jus the basic things v r sopposed 2 do at coll - Study,Innovate,High grades,Paper presentations,no Arrears,finally get placed.In b/w all this u have 2 find time 2 luv or atleast flirt.I c the blackboard everyday,I have my eyes glued 2 it.But am I concentratin or thinkin how nice it'd be 2 date wid the woman wearin a dangerously low waist saree.But the only problem is she teaches me 'C' or is only 'C' n ne other bullcrap d essence of life.

All of us wud have climbed the same steps of our coll or the steps in our apartment thousands of times.But how many of us know how steps did v climb?Are our heads buried so deep into the bark of a tree that v dunno what a forest is?

Come xams n its gala time at coll.U get 2 c the most weird xpressions frm ppl whom u thought 2 be emotionless creatures.The most important thing 4 an xam 4 a hostel guy wud be fotocopies.1 guy has the book which results in a culmination of n no. of fotocopies which wud be torn,divided n re-divided among all the hostel hooligans.But who cares 'bout fotocopies when ur not borthered 'bout marks or grades?Proof of this is my 70% aggregate without arrears(seems pretty ok rite?).But wat's the diff b/w a 70 n a 90 when both of them have landed up in the same firm drawin the same amount of money?

When it comes 2 beautiful gals(there rnt many in my coll)the competition's pretty tuff.V have fites over a single bitch!Poor gal,what can she do?2 pick 1 frm a crowd cud be possible.But v'd say pick 5 n get 1 free(v follow the tradition-remember DRAUPADI).I never fell for anyone at coll but I fell for someone else not at my coll or at that place(Don worry it's not kiran Bedi).To sum it all the best thing I learnt from my friends

SMOKE BOOZE ROCK N ROLL
SPEED WEED BIRTH CONTROL
LIFE IS A BITCH N WE ALL DIE
SO,FUCK THEM ALL & LETS GET HIGH
njoi & catch u later.