Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Hitchhiker’s guide to the perfect lemon juice

1. Buy a couple of lemons from the market. Do not try to bargain as you will get nothing from trying to bargain for a couple of them, in fact you might get your lemons squeezed for that.

2. Cut the lemon in two. Ensure that you do not cut your fingers while doing that.

3. Do not try to squeeze the half cut lemon with your own hands. You will have the juice sprayed all over the table which will leave you only with water to drink.

4. Do not check if the lemon is fully squeezed by placing it close to your eyes in order to closely observe for any remaining pulp. Citric acid in your eyes is not fun.

5. Once you have cleaned your face thoroughly, squeeze the remaining lemons with the squeezer. If you are looking at maximum ROI from the lemon, imagine you are squeezing your arch enemy’s or for that matter Sreesanth’s lemons. The harder you squeeze, the more you get.

6. Now add salt and sugar in indirect proportion to your IQ. The lower the IQ, the more salt and sugar you keep adding.

7. Now add water and look. Add more water and keep looking. Since you belong to the Mensa tribe, you will be definitely able to predict the concentration of the juice by just staring at it.

8. Now taste.

9. Spit.

10. Taste Again.

11. Spit.

12. Chances are it might be too concentrated. Now add water.

13. Taste.

14. Add more water and some more.

15. Now you have a bowl full of lemon juice which looks and tastes somewhere between an IV and piss.

16. Do not ask the wifey to taste your masterpiece and more importantly do not ask for her opinion.

17. Now, go get some apples.

Thursday, April 05, 2012

Little Girl

Little Girl, I can feel the cramp
I guess it is time for you to come out of your hiding camp
Little Girl, It hurts as the nurse asks me to push hard, a little more hard
Push, Push, they scream; as I play my final card

Little Girl, I call out to The Lord
Prayer heard; I see you come out with the umbilical cord
Little Girl, Please cry aloud
Please shout and make Momma proud

Little Girl, I hear your voice crack the room
And off they go with the celebrations, Boom! Boom!
Little Girl, I hold you tight
Eyes closed and skin red, you are quite a sight

Little Girl, It has taken three quarters of a year
To deliver you in one piece; my biggest fear
Little Girl, I have an overwhelming sense of relief
All this was possible only due to one man's belief

Little Girl, he is looking at you now
Admiringly looks back at me and says "Take a Bow"
Little Girl, That's your father
And though you already know this; let me introduce myself - Your Mother