Wednesday, December 13, 2006

THE CHENNAI EXPRESS

A railway station to me is one of the most fascinating places to be in.Every emotion,every reaction,even the slightest twinge of the muscle can be seen and felt at any railway station.The Secunderabad railway station is no different from any of it's fellow stations.Enter ino it during the peak evening time you will be engulfed in a sea of humanity along with it's residue 'sweat'.No deo can work wonders at railway stations unless and until say its of the kind like Ooty.The moment you enter the platform ou can see the Red army doing their job.The porters are really one of their kind.I happened to spot an old porter standing beside me and I asked him politely "Miyaan s2 coach kahan pe aayega?".Pat comes the reply "Chashme pehen ke bhi dikhta nahin hain kyaa tere ko?,woh dekh oopar woh board pe lite jal raha hain,wahan se patah kar le....".There was silence for a brief moment as he was sizing me up and I was more than relieved that his tirade was over and then as if as an after thought he says "Kandol" and quietly moves away.Well as he suggested I found s2 quite comfortably.It was then that I looked into my ticket and to my utter disgust found that my seat no was 72.Not again I cursed myself.The toilet jinx seemed to continue.How ever hard I try, beating all laws of probability my seat always ends up just beside the toilet where people come and stand all the while spitting pan or taking their shirts off to get their sweat off.No second thoughts about where all that smell goes.Right from class VII the jinx had started.My class was just next to the rest rooms(I'll refrain from saying toilet) and there it was till 10th.It was temporary respite for a couple of years during higher secondary but the jinx caught on at college.

Every train journey from then seemed to be either in seat no 1-8 or 64-72 and now I was cornered again as usual.Wondering whether I should tie a kerchief around my nose like a terrorist,I silently slipped my baggage under the seat and settled down.As it happens you always dream of having a hot chick beside you but such things happen only in movies and in Chetan Bhagat's novels.I was just scanning the people around me.There was this loud mouthed kid who was sayin things which was making me LOL.It was the chachi of that kid I guess who was repeatedly asking her "Beti,Pakistan kahan pe hain?" and that kid hardly 4 years old looks here and there as if to see whether her mom is watching her slowly whispers back "Mere skirt ke andar" and chuckles.Laughter everywhere.A hand comes out of no where and thud it lands on the child's cheek.Her mom shrieks "Bhabhi use bigadiye mat!"(Dont spoil her, as if she already isnt).The child now is really angry and she shoots back "Pakistan mere skirt ke andar hi hain,main aise hi chillaoongi".Laughter changes to howling.Her mom is left red faced in embarassment.Kids do trouble man!All this laughter was dying down slowly in the constant whirring of the engine.It was time to go.You could see faces of expectancy,anguish,fear everything around people as they sent off their beloved one's.Well atlast I thought,the train started to move late as usual by 10 minutes.Everyone was quite except for that kid who was still foul mouthing Pakistan.I was laughing silently.I dont know if all the trains would have good engine drivers but every train would definitely have a TT who would accept a bribe.That's the only advantage of sitting beside the entrance I would rather say as you can see all the under the table dealings.There was once this arguement over what TT abbreviated to and there were different full forms coming out and then came the master one.One of my friends calmly said "I know what TT is...".He gave a pause to as if signify his point and then said "Ticket Ticket".Kraaaa Thooooooooooo everyone did in unison.The ticket collector for my compartment looked more like a groundnut seller than a TT.I dint know whether he was checking tickets or selling them.As he was checking everyone's ticket he asked the 4 year old kid "beti tumhare Mummy papa kahan hain,ticket dekhna hain".Pat came the reply.Howling once again.The TT cursed himself and left.

There not many things you can do while sitting in a train and that too when you are in the stomach stirring presence of the Indian Railways toilet.So I decided it was time for music and videos.So I just slipped my Ipod on and started to watch Virrumaandi.Everything was going fine.There were some curious faces around me who were trying to fathom what it was.One guy said it was a T.V. and the other seemed to say it was a computer.People were just throwing glances at it as they crossed and went to the toilets or for a fag.It was sometime later that the mother of the kid realised that there was a way to handle her child.She smilingly looked at me and said "Dekho uncle T.V. dekh rahe hain,tum bhi jaake dekho".Fuck you pot head whose uncle am I.And for people who dont know about Virumaandi,it is a KamalHaasan movie and I neednt tell you what wouldnt be there in a kamal movie.It was just one of the scenes where kamal is sitting on the steps leading into a well and talking with the heroine,that the kid and her mother peep over my shoulder to see the T.V.And then there goes Kamal.Teary eyed,kamal gives a long smooch to the heroine.Long enough for the mother to throw a glance at me which I thought said something like "You child rapist asshole!".I cudnt do anything other than say "Chalo doosri picture dikhaata hoon"(I'll show u another movie).Her mom pulled her kid away and must've thought "this guy is some sophisticated kidnapper,he'll take video and photo of my kid and do something with it".Well what do I say?There was a middle aged couple travelling with me.It was then that I observed there were more no. of people than the no. of seats.It was dé·jà vu.I knew what was going to happen and what was coming.

In all likelyhood I would be asked to exchange my seat with someone sitting at the last compartment.People asking me to exchange seats thought it was very simple carrying my luggage all the way.They asked me stating reasons like I am youth(one second unc(u)le and next youth!) and I was single and blah blah.That was what exactly happened.
Middle Aged Woman(MAW):Are you travelling alone?
Me:No,me and my baggage
MAW:Oh,ur so funny..he he..Just like my hubby..i like funny people
Me:Sorry ur hubby is staring at me
MAW:Oh thats alrite.. c na me and my hubby have different seats..my hubby cant do without me..
There from the corner of my eye I saw her hubby looking at her and I thought it said something like "Lying bitch,she needs me for blowing her air pillow"
MAW:See we are old ppl and my coach is s14.... can u shift there?you are youth(Yuck) and u dont have any b'ful wife like me..so shift there na...
Me:yaa ok I'll move.
I was already thinking "s14 is a 1km jog..donno if i'll make it".So I started to bid farewall to my journey mates and as I was searching for my water bottle I muttered to myself "Were is the bottle?I kept it here only".Pat came the reply, this time almost in a robotic tone.Howling once again.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Line of Fire

Note:- This is my first attempt at writing a story(serious one).And another warning - it is terribly big.So hope you have the patience to read it and enjoy it.

"Shit,Not so fast",he thought.He was lying by the bushes,deep cuts over his hands courtesy the barbed wires.He was trapped in what they called the Chakravyooh.There was no escaping this time.But this was what he wanted all through these six months.He had always found himself ways to get killed but everytime it missed by a whisker.People around him mistook it for courage and valour.He had always walked right into death's mouth only to come unscathed each time.After all no one knew the reason behind his madness.There was always this veil of bravery and love for one's country shielding him.His madness was hidden behind that.That was what he loved the most-A place to hide.A place where no one knew his burning inner desires.A place where he could bury himself and his fears.He felt desparate by each passing day.It was just not happening for him.He had thrown himself thrice into the pitch of the battle hoping he would die and his misery would end.But for all his efforts he ended up saving 3 lives of his fellow countrymen."Bastards" he thought,when the squadron leader announced his name was being sent for the gallantry awards.An award to kill,an award to save and an award for getting killed.Same award for all fucking reasons."Fuck these awards", he kept murmuring."Even the Govt. seems to be propogating death" albeit it was others lives which mattered for the govt. unlike his.

As he was lying by the bushes,crawling all over his wounds his reasoning power seemed to go down.All he could think of was September 13.He remembered everything all too clear.He was a happy go lucky individual who even had the good fortune of falling in love with a wonderful girl.But that day everything fell apart from the seams."Pick the call,Pick the call" he was shouting for the nth time.This was his 21st call in the last 15 minutes.But either the call was cut or the phone was left buzzing.And then she picked the call and to his dismay all she uttered was "It is over,tell your parents and keep telling yourself also".He shook with horror when he realized the full impact of her statement.His mind was racing.What had gone wrong?What grave mistake did he do?Then it struck him.In his anxiety to make the road clear for him to live with her he had informed about their affair to all and sundry.Her father was getting the news through everyone except the guy."Thats it" she and her father decided.They decided to put a full stop to all this drama once and for all.Her dad informed him in no plain terms that he could never marry his daughter and when he said "But your daughter loves me" then come the bolt which left him high and dry at that moment.His love, in more plainer terms than her dad told "I never loved him,It was he who kept calling me even though I was against it".That was the final nail in the coffin.The issue was settled once and for all.All he had inside him was rage and an urge to finish himself.He tried calling her to explain himself and ask for a reason but all he got was "This Number is not accepting any calls at this moment,Please try again later".He kicked the turf,sent hate mails to her and called her a bitch.She replied back saying "You call the girl you were supposed to be madly in love as a bitch.There is nothing anymore".Once a bitch always a bitch, he cursed and spat.The bathroom was his refuge.He dint know whether it was the tears or the shower which was washing him.In sudden impulse he grabbed the Harpic bottle and thought he would wash down his intestines with it.But all he could do was fling the bottle away in frustration.The truth was out.In his own eyes he felt he was not man enough to take his own life.

The war was out.Blood was being spilled like water from a water tanker.The country needed more men.More men to kill,more men to die so that more awards could be given away.War according to him was the most cowardly and saddistic act ever known to mankind where unknown people kill known and unknown people.It was the perfect place for a coward like him to hide.He knew he would be definitely killed.And for all you know he might end up with a medal around his corpse which would instill false prestige in one's near and dear to him.The thought excited him.What a way to get killed.Which man would love to get his face unmasked and show his coward side to the world.He decided that was it and enrolled for the war under the garb of fighting for his country.Everytime he heard news that enemy was advancing his pulse would race and he would let out a satisfied smile.But alas it was not that simple.Getting killed in a war by the enemy wasnt happening for him.The bullets always dodged him.He never seemed capable of stepping on a landmine and neither could an enemy kill him bare handed when he was cornered all alone.It was getting to him.It was now or never.Within two days the Nothern Infantry would be moving in.Once that happened the enemy would definitely be vanquished.They wouldnt be able to even god damn fart without them being detected.

This was his best chance.He along with another proud patriot had been sent to monitor the enemy's weapon positions and artillery strength.But the proud patriot in an over zealous attempt to count the no. of pimples on his enemy's forehead put himself directly in the line of fire.He could see what had happened and just about caught a glimpse of a guard taking aim at the patriot."This is my chance", he told to himself between gritted teeth.He lunged at the patriot and pulled him down.It was exactly at that time he felt someone stab a hot iron rod through his chest.He was shot.Another shot was fired and it caught the patriot right on the head.He looked up in horror at the patriot.It was then that he realised that he had been the first one who had been shot.He felt his chest with his right hand and he saw blood oozing out."Shit,Not so fast",he thought.He was lying by the bushes,deep cuts over his hands courtesy the barbed wires.He was scared,he was frightened.There was no escaping this time.But this was what he wanted all through these six months.And now when confronted with it he was not experiencing pleasure nor was he seeing angels pouring wine down his throat.It was not that he did not want to die but he wanted to live for sometime,just some more time god damnit,he cursed silently.He wanted to die in the hospital bed not here.He wanted to see her for one last time.He wanted to embed her voice in his head for one last time.He couldnt die now,not now.Crawling over his battered body he evaded them one by one.His survival instincts were at the peak.He was dodging the bullets now.They seemed so near but he cared less.Battered and bruised he reached his batallion crawling all the way and gave the information to his commander.

He was rushed to the medical camp in a jiffy.As news about his heroics spread so did the word spread among his near and dear one's that their hero was breathing his last.His father arrived unshaven and with unkempt hair along with his mother who resembled a ghost.They knew they were loosing their precious gem.As his father patted his hair all he said was "I want to see her once dad.Take this as your son's last wish."By this time even she had heard the news about her love being in his last stages.She had mixed emotions.She dint want him to die but knew it dint matter if he lived as far as their relationship was concerned.She knew she had gone too far now to accept him back and her father's word was her holy grail.Then she heard her phone buzz and when she answered it she heard the voice of a broken man "Please come down once and speak to my son for a moment."She packed her bags and along with her father left to the medical camp.She pulled the screen and ducked into the dimly lit make shift tent.There she saw him,his eyes transfixed on her.He looked pale but there was no mistake of the fire in his eyes.She stooped forward and held his hand.He cried like a boy who got separated from his mom in the carnival.Atlast he said to himself.He looked up at his father gratefully for granting his last wish.He felt his hand slip away from hers.His whole body started to curl upwards.His breathing was heavy and he was trying to breathe with his mouth open.There he saw it.He saw tears rolling down her cheeks as she was clutching him.The pain was now beyond any measurable parameters.There was one final upward curl and he flopped downwards slowly.Her shrieks seemed to be like loud ambulance sirens to him.It was echoing and the intensity was reducing.And then one drop of tear trickled down her cheek into his gaping mouth.He felt the angels pouring wine down his throat.The dying man had got his last drop of water.And then there was silence.His hand fell away as if in slow motion from hers.His eyes were closed.He was gone.
May his soul rest in peace.
Amen

Thursday, September 14, 2006

CEASED TO EXIST

Hanging between life and death like a raindrop perched on the edge of a rooftop..I do not know which side is life and which side is death..what do you call such a stage?Am just a dead man counting the no. of wounds on his body wishing it would heal.But how would something heal after you die?Nothing heals after death neither does it during life..What wud it be like to lie dead waiting to get mummified?Do you call it death or rebirth?What is it that makes people live even after they die or die when they live?We sense death,smell death,fear death and even die but we still live on..What do I call this?Life or death?Offline Online Invisible Visible does any of these things matter?A dying man wants just two drops of water but he hasnt got it..not that he would have lived because of it..but he still manages to live..Or does he?He manages to oscillate..What do I call this?Life or Death?Whats life when death awaits and what's the use of shouting and kicking when the medical examiner has pronounced you dead?Who is ready to listen?Who is Who to pronounce life and death when something exists between that and beyond that..What is the cause in trying to live after you die?Why dint you try dying when you were living?May be someone would have heard you then...may be not..But were you living first as a matter of fact?If you were what were you doing?If not then is it that you are dead?Somethings are unknown and are better undefined...I existed but there is no record of it..I wanted those 2 drops but I never got it..Now what do I call this?Life death or injustice?Is it possible to die without those two drops or is it worth living for those two drops and then die..But in between all this there is something... and again there is something beyond all this..Something all of us feel when we live and even when we die..We even feel it when waiting for those two drops either to die to live or live to die?You choose it...life death or the other unknown quantity suffocation...We live in suffocation and we also suffocate to death..I do not know yet what to call this stage?All I know is I am suffocating but which side I am still trying to find, but I may cease to exist by then....

Sunday, July 30, 2006

MAN ON THE TOR

Out there somewhere on the moor
I see a man lurking in the shadows
Eyes glistening and fear written all over his face
He mopped his brow and continued his work at a hare's pace

Burning with curiosity I inched forward,a Lantern in hand
In the prevailing darkness I could figure out he was digging the land
The terrain was ragged and it was a steep climb up the hill
Somewhere there was the man on the tor & the moon behind him standing still

Heart beating faster I inched closer to the stranger
Seeing the shovel and knife in hand I sensed danger
A sense of overwhelming dé·jà vu was all that I was feeling
And it heightened into a climax which sent my senses reeling

He was digging a grave for the person he had slain
When he turned to look back there was only fear and pain
His features his gait all seemed familiar and striking
I was stunned I was looking at a mirror and that moment of truth sent my hair spiking

Hands trembling & trying to touch him I asked "Who are You?"
"You are me and I am You"

Looking down into the grave I saw in horror to see myself lying dead
What was I doing there when I was supposed to be lying on the bed

I realised I had sold my soul and was digging my own grave doing things I hated
The truth dawned upon me and for this I must thank 1 man before the feeling gets abated
And there far beyond I see him guiding me - "THE MAN ON THE TOR"

Sunday, March 26, 2006

BEING CYRUS

It was a good experience to watch a movie at the PVR.I mean the effects and the seating are better than what one has at IMAX.IMAX looks more of a terrorist hub than a movie paradise.Getting straight to the point watched quite a lot a movies over the weekend..some of them were previously seen ones.But the one I want to talk about is the one mentioned in the title.There was so much of hype surrounding this movie.I actually came to know about this movie when I was at PVR for the first time to watch Taxi no 9211.It had scripts from the Israel film festival saying it was a great movie and stuff.So naturally I was intersted in watching the movie.And things like having a 90 min running time and the theme What happens when you let a stranger in..all these things added to the drama.I havent got the directors name by heart yet..it's some homi or homo whatever.But the thing what I heard about him was that he was a cinematographer by profession.Well that was the first thing that struck me when I saw the movie.The visuals,the shots the angles,the way Saif is introduced lying down in a bunch of leaves dirt all over his pant all these promised a lot.But the initial promise cannot be held through out the film.People who have seen Ek Haseena Thi would agree with me that Saif's performance as a bad guy was much better there.The story revolves around two Parsi Families which has been shot extensively in Panchgani and Mumbai.Its a typical Parsi house large rooms,antique furniture.Add to that a master in pottery portrayed by Naseerudin Shah.He does it with real ease.You dont even feel he is trying to act.Bomman Irani is the real show stealer.And gosh I never knew he was so fat.Fatter than me also!His is a worthy performance indeed.And remember Simone singh..the girl who tries to woo Saif in Kal Ho Naa Ho by slipping a ring in the champagne.She looks stunning and does her job quite nicely.The film drags basically and you fell 90 min as very lenghty.The lesser spoken about Dimple Kapadia the better I guess.All I can say is physically she has become very loose and her performance is as bad as it can get-Drown in your own puke types.She is very loud and spoils the entire show.On seeing the promos I was epecting something like Ramu's Kaun..but this gets no way near it.And I saw Memento at last.All I can say is Ghajini should be banned.I felt like puking on the movie when I saw it even without watching Memento.Now I feel everyone should puke together on Ghajini and Aamir is totally out of his brians I guess to remake Ghajini.I think it was Surya's most stupid performance..shaking his head all over..But being cyrus I would advice for a VCD,potato chips and some drinks..thats it..

Friday, March 17, 2006

HOLI HAII

The road seemed to be peacefully quiet and all I could feel was the wind blowing across my face and the ruffling of the leaves.Everything was so strange.Was I drunk?There were hardly people out on the roads not even the buffalo who always gave me a strange look and dumped dung indicating his love for me.The indecissive woman who dint know if a single packet of Parle-G was enough for her kindergarten kids also seemed to be missing.I was wondering had her sons packed her off to school.Atlast I saw the buffalo and was waiting for the customary shit-off.It was then that I realised that one of the horns of this shit producing mammal was coloured.It was something like pink and green.It was then it struck me.Holiii fuckk.My job has been screwing my senses numb but I never thought it wud take me down to this level.I was the only asshole who was working even on Holi.As a kid I remember being scared of playing holi.The reason was I was a thin little kid(long long ago) and was immensely intimated by so many people running around crazily.It seemed to be like a war.The only thing I dared to do was take a colour chalk peice and immerse it in water and throw it on my mother.My mom would be proud of her little kid playing holi with her.But as my age grew so did the body and the feeling of intimidation seemed to be vanishing away.I dont remember when exactly but I think it was class 6 or 7 that I started to play with colours.Not that there was any rule that holi was supposed to be played only after reaching puberty.From that moment on I loved to play holi.It was one day when I could get away with anything.Even the eves dint mind me that day..that was a real bonus.

There was this religious practise of filling up balloons with coloured water and firing it like missiles all around the place from my terrace.If it hit someone u would have to encounter pleasantries even though it was holi.So the safest persons to hit were the dogs and the buffaloes.Many guys had this vision of turning Shahrukh on the day of holi.Some of them would plan extremely brilliant things like using the gulal as sindoor thinking they would win over their girl in the heat of the moment.He He..it never got anywere.It ended up only in a tight slap.But the beauty was you could apply some more and shout holi haii..no one were left with answers for these antics.It was a rule that none should be spared and one could see many people transforming into cartoon figures.If you are as smart as vijaykanth then god save you..sorry even holi cant affect such people.Their tales of valour and courage are well known.People keep asking why holi isnt played with the same fervour in Tamilnadu.There was a time when people used to play holi even there with the same intensity.But on one holi Vijaykanth a.k.a Captain decided to hit the streets.And guess what he drank what ever was sprayed at him.It still remains a world record for drinking 5 million gallons of coloured water in a day spread across a state.The previous record was held by J.Jayalalitha who drank a record 3.5 million gallons.She says thats the reason she's so slim.No wonder people out there dont play holi that much 'cos before they start playing everything is over.So to beat JJ's record was quite some achievement.When asked about how he managed to acheive such a colossol feat all he had to say was it was just like drinking Madras Municipal Corporation water+Rasna..wow that was real cool..he even added the secret of his colour was holii..sorry for deviating from the topic.But for those of you who do not know who captain is,he is the 3rd biggest comedian in the Indian Film Industry.The first one being Mithun and the second Sunny Deol.Deol edges out captain for the sole reson that he remakes captains films in Hindi.
Here are some FAQ's on holi..

1. What is a Pichkaari:It is a very sophisticated instrument developed in the early 18th century
for injecting an elephants ass.It wasnt very useful there so people decided to use it here but even its time is running out as Captain proved it impotent
2.Why every Hindi movie has a Holi Song:The basic thing is everyone wants to enjoy the director the hero the heroine so wen u have a holi song in the name of colours they end up doing Raam Jaane..and if the director is someone like Subash Ghai he would have a rain dance to wipe all the colours off,the reason being simple.He neednt wash all those clothes hence saving the cost on Ariel and wooing audience on the name of rain dance.
3.What is the average cost of Gulal:It mite just cost more than a condom..I think
4.Then y dont they play in Chennai:Reason has been mentioned above,not that TN is money stricken but the thing that captain has attributed Gulal as the secret for his Kashmir Apple colour,the ppl of chennai have started to throw mud on each other as a sign of playing holi
5.What would happen if I drank the holi water:You would become as smart as captain..so dont try it
6.Why do people play holi:In india you do not need reasons for celebrations..but historians the festival was celebrated to mark the release the world famous newspaer Deccan Chronicle which carried the following as its headlines in the opening edition "Boy and Pig have sex - A snake called Anaconda is born"
7.What is Baang:Oh no how did I ever forget to mention this....

I dont know if I got the speeling of Baang of rite but I know for sure what it can do.Baang is one of those queer Indian preparations which is considered divine on the day of holi and illegal during the rest of the year.A holi without Baang is like Morse Code without dots and dashes.It's suposed to contain some narcotics bundles along with badam and pista.It gives such an effect that you can count the bones in your spine forward when you look down.Another practise which took place was the holika.It was the bonfire.As holi generallz arrived in the mid of march in Hzd generallz things start to get heated up at that time.So u feel like a fool going around those fires and feel even more hot.Well in my flats there were so many people that there was a mad scramble for the holika.Rest assured that we would either put out the flames by our collective stink or someones balls would go for a roast.There are many stories about Baang.But the one which always comes to my mind is the one that happened at my hostel.My friend irrespective of my warnings had 2 balls of baang and was rendered into a bumbling bag of laughable shit.He kept smiling and laughing as if he had won the Olympic medal for India.But gosh he dint stop with that.He went to the loo all alone...well thats what he does generally but on that special day he was so attracted by the floors of the hostel bathroom that he decided to fall flat on his face thinking he could balance himself like Rajnikanth..but alas he lost a tooth.In memory of that incident we dug up a grave and put to rest his tooth that had suffered all these years .Whenever he smiled it looked like a check post with only one-half blocked and the remaining empty.It looked like a cave with Stalagmites and stalagtides.And he was compared with one tooth monsters and it was like a bridge for air to go in.He had a real chance of being the only human to carry an extra channel to take in air.But inspite of our requests he got himself a dupicate which is as good as a chewing gum.And baang has this strange thing of making a person do the same thing in a loop.Imagine if Sunny deol had baang my god he would uttering Pakistan Murdabad and keep screaming through the night.As to what I did this holi I played a bit at office until the security had to come over and politely inform us that this a S/W firm not some playground.Well we S/W guys are one unprivileged class...Happy belated holi...

cheers
ashwin

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Valentine's Day

Again and again this is that day of the year which I always hope hopen against.Now to all those saints who are just blinking like a new born kid,lemme tell you today is a very holy day in the Indian calendar.This is the day when Shani sits on the top of Rahu and Kethu.This happens only on this day.People take to the streets and sing hymns,bhajans and pray for more such days,especially the youth.Just kidding.No need for any grand introductions I guess.Today is another valentine's day.I dont know which one,I mean I do not know the number but according to some classified reports it is still behind the no of episodes of Ekta Kapoor's K serials.Well today is one day when I reflect generally on life.The years that have gone by and the sense of being a spectator again.But this is real cool you can watch all the action free of cost.No loss No gain.This was the day when I somehow managed to find myself alone.All around the city I can see red balloons floating everywhere.I dont know how people on this very day get so fascinated by balloons especially red ones.In all the excitement building up to this day and everything gets settled they forget to use the balloons recommended by the govt.Man how long can you blame the govt?Even they are trying their best.Initially they thought of passing a bill which prohibits selling of balloons on this day 'cos their were reports that all the MIG's were crashing specificallly only on the 14th of feb.I dont know the Rang De team could missed such a vital stat.But their were repulsions all over the country against it,strikes bigger than the one's in RDB.So the govt was forced to drop this move.The last time I saw so many balloons on one day was when Sonia Gandhi came to Hyderabad for the congress session.

Everywhere you go all you can see are those heart shaped balloons.I dont know who was that idiot who ever gave heart such a shape.Just walking down the pavement one can see those innumerable couples hand in hand talking ear 2 ear n god knows wat and wat not.Well I can understand their situation.Imagine they had to sit at home and they switch on the tv and all they can watch anywhere is Gay sex lover Karan Johar's endless love sagas Kuch Kuch Hota Hai,Kal Ho Naa Ho and not to forget yash chopra's contribution to all this his endless list of AMAR PREM kahanis like DDLJ,Veer Zaara were the hero heroine continuously cry and in the process so much of Phlegm is seen flowing from their nose that they clutch each other at the sight of Phlegm flowing and clean it with their bare hands.Wow wat a touching scene...this is real love..the Phlegm is the turning point in all shahrukh movies.He has got loads of them and can release it anytime like a dam for Yash Chopra and Gay sex hero.According to classified reports Yash Chopra was the one who caught hold of this talent of Shahrukh.During the shooting of Darr there was a scene in which blood had to flow out of Shahrukh's nose to show him like a Psychopath but instead guess wat flowed?And as they say the rest is history.Shahrukh went on to do great things without a handkerchief.Man imagine with such showings on all hindi channels wat else do they do.Instead of watching that they better move out and help guys like us.Us is meant for people who are working,working so much that their work is getting as tight as their pants and ever increasing waistline does not help one's cause for such occasions.

There are certain rules and regulations one needs to follow on such momentous occasions.I vividly remember my V-days at college.It was the first year of my engineering and I wud like everyone of you to believe that I was a kid then and I had no knowledge about this fantasy world of valentines.I had worn Black and Black on that day and attended college.I still remember he lecture I got from my prof.I was taken aback by the resounding lecture I got,not only me everyone were 'cos everyone had worn peculiar colours that day.It was later that we realised that the prof. was setting his sights on a girl in our class.Well I was the sacrificial lamb that day.He had become a hero and I as always zero.It was later in the day that I came to know that each colour meant something and it was more complex than spectral analysis of white light.Here you go

Blue - Already loving someone but wud be still willing when my partner isnt around
Red - Single and more than willing to mingle
Green - I am a vegetarian and love nature..sorry I am available to everyone(sounds like chameli)
White - It stands for peace meaning I am not for anything 'cos I cant shag or do anything man.I am a mix of Karan Johar and Elton John
Yellow - I love the colour of shit..so I dont take all this shit..friendship
Black - I will fall only for a person who is deaf,dumb and blind and one who walks on hands and legs.. I only believe in animal sex
Hey do not categorise me in that Black section..I was innocent at that point in my love life.Wat if someone wore white and black?I will have sex with a bull.I guess all this has got to do with the Romans for a change.Somehow they started to celebrate this in the memory of Sage Valentine.It's good that the Romans started this because for everything we keep blaming Pakistan.India's population is ever increasing and reason..this is the work of the ISI who are spreading their wings and Legs and blah blah...Well in between all this on V-day there will be another big comedy unfolding.This would be mainly at Mumbai.I can bet on anything on the world that the most despo people in the world will have to be the Shiv Senaites.They wud be vandalising Mcdonald's year after year and no one even gives a damn.Mcdonalds himself allocates some glasses and tables so that they can break it withou any fuss.Poor guys why dont they understand girls will not give into Bhaashans on being a true Maratha Warrior.Poor fellows end up showing all their frustration on already broken tables.Guess I am more or less behaving like an idiot who has not got his share of glory.Just a feeling of myn that you neednt have a specific day to feel your love or tell someone about it.Anyday would do.But for all those people who have booked tables and got chocolates for your dear ones....have a blast.......Happy Valentine's day...... Take her to a nice place..good restaurant dim lights and jazz music..get a good gift..and get ready to burn money and most important dont use any of those lines from Shahrukh's movies... and yeah dont forget the roses especially the Red one's 'cos those are the only one's they sell today.As to what I would be doing today there is always a Sunny Deol movie on T.V. No matter what ever the occasion he would be fighting terrorists.His latest movie has a plot in which Pakistan Jasoos plan to strike at all clubs and parks which are hosting V-day celebrations.He has to foil it and keep up the good work and so do I.

Cheers
ashwin
P.S:- Plannin to ask my Dad to take my Mom out.I guess I already got the answer.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Offers galore

Long time it's been I guess.I am finding it tough to put in words.Now I can feel how Ganguly feels each time he goes in to bat.It's been nearly 45 days since I have written any of my usual crap.Here I am again having broken my self imposed exile from the writing world.Well to say the least lots of things have happened.Another year has gone by,but this was the first I took a resolution and even managed to achieve it on the 1st of Jan itself.Had a good clean haircut.The barber was of the opinion that there was enough hair on my head to build a nest.In between all this I was fortunate to watch a spectacle called Rang De Basanti.I had a great experience just watching the movie.No words would be enough I guess to describe the movie.And yes let me tell you the joke of the year so far.
Fact:Jayasurya was ruled out from the newzealand tour
Joke:He slipped in the bathroom while trying to shampoo a vastly uncultivated piece of land-his barren head..LOL the moment I heard this news I was in splits.He deserved to slip and fall I guess.May be from now even shampoos will have statutory warnings:Do not apply to bald head.

There has been a spurt of offers recently at all the shopping malls in Hyderabad.You can find all these advertisements,hoardings and all such stuff saying so and so discount and blah blah.I was always scared of this word 'upto'.Anywere I see "Discount upto 50%" outside any shopping mall,I manage to tell myself "Do not go in and make a fool out of yourself".Reason is they would give you 50% discount on undies and stinking socks and there would be 5% discount on a cool denim jacket.See this leads to potentially disastrous situations.But what if you saw a sign "Flat 50% off".Man I almost jumped when my friend told me about this offer.And guess what the offer was on Pepe.The offer was at country club,Begumpet.Man I was already thinking of getting couple a cool denims and was even planning to get my brother one.We reached the place and we were delighted seeing the collection.Add to the delight it was siesta time so not many people fooling around.We were left to ourselves.There were jeans of the cost 899 and I was like wow,after discount only 450 bucks.But to my dismay there was no changing room.There clothes and clothes around,no place to change.That was the time I thought of those golden days when my waist was a strict 30 and I could confidently pick anything and keep moving.Now alas it is 34 and still showing no signs of stopping.So to my extreme discomfort ,on the suggestion of the brain dead owner I decided to try that jeans standing behind a bench.The thing was htere were no females until that point.The moment I striiped myself and had the Pepe one on,yo out of the blue there stepped in 2 damsels.God it was a horrible position to be in.The shop owner asking me to somehow strip the Pepe off and me caught between shyness and shame.It is exactly at such kinda moments that girls start talking about lemonade and serials.This is what exactly happened.
Owner:Sir plzz theeyandi sir...theeyandi maane remove in telugu(In a hushed tone)
Me:Hey boss paanch minute dhenaa..plzzz mere baap
Owner:5 more minutes u wear that u have to pay for it
Me:Un ladikiyo ko jaane de..mein tere liye nangaa naach bhi karronga..paanch minute mere baap

In the mean time I was standing like a japanese flowervase and cursing myself and the owner.These girls wont leave.They called another female and told her to rush down immediately to country club..Oh god I started visualising myself like a male strip dancer in a all women's club..And at last they moved out and I have never seized an opportunity as gladly ever in my life.Well this was not the end of it.And after regaining lost ground and getting back my composure I asked the owner to get the bill.Those females were watching and with all my grace I asked the owner"U accept card kyaa?".The owner replied in the affirmative.As he was about to scratch the card on the machine something caught my eye.The bill was reading 1798 only.WTF was goin on I only took 2 jeans.I managed to stop the owner and I told him the bill was wrong.It was then that idiot explained to me that the price was 899 after the discount.Oh god another embarassment before the fairer sex.Well this has always been the case.I learnt a lesson I guess girls and offers are never lucky for me.And when together-Dont read it girls for offer or girls on offer they are always elusive....
P.S:Will write something better the next time,now that valentine's day is approaching
ashwin
There was an error in this gadget