Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Valentine's Day

Again and again this is that day of the year which I always hope hopen against.Now to all those saints who are just blinking like a new born kid,lemme tell you today is a very holy day in the Indian calendar.This is the day when Shani sits on the top of Rahu and Kethu.This happens only on this day.People take to the streets and sing hymns,bhajans and pray for more such days,especially the youth.Just kidding.No need for any grand introductions I guess.Today is another valentine's day.I dont know which one,I mean I do not know the number but according to some classified reports it is still behind the no of episodes of Ekta Kapoor's K serials.Well today is one day when I reflect generally on life.The years that have gone by and the sense of being a spectator again.But this is real cool you can watch all the action free of cost.No loss No gain.This was the day when I somehow managed to find myself alone.All around the city I can see red balloons floating everywhere.I dont know how people on this very day get so fascinated by balloons especially red ones.In all the excitement building up to this day and everything gets settled they forget to use the balloons recommended by the govt.Man how long can you blame the govt?Even they are trying their best.Initially they thought of passing a bill which prohibits selling of balloons on this day 'cos their were reports that all the MIG's were crashing specificallly only on the 14th of feb.I dont know the Rang De team could missed such a vital stat.But their were repulsions all over the country against it,strikes bigger than the one's in RDB.So the govt was forced to drop this move.The last time I saw so many balloons on one day was when Sonia Gandhi came to Hyderabad for the congress session.

Everywhere you go all you can see are those heart shaped balloons.I dont know who was that idiot who ever gave heart such a shape.Just walking down the pavement one can see those innumerable couples hand in hand talking ear 2 ear n god knows wat and wat not.Well I can understand their situation.Imagine they had to sit at home and they switch on the tv and all they can watch anywhere is Gay sex lover Karan Johar's endless love sagas Kuch Kuch Hota Hai,Kal Ho Naa Ho and not to forget yash chopra's contribution to all this his endless list of AMAR PREM kahanis like DDLJ,Veer Zaara were the hero heroine continuously cry and in the process so much of Phlegm is seen flowing from their nose that they clutch each other at the sight of Phlegm flowing and clean it with their bare hands.Wow wat a touching scene...this is real love..the Phlegm is the turning point in all shahrukh movies.He has got loads of them and can release it anytime like a dam for Yash Chopra and Gay sex hero.According to classified reports Yash Chopra was the one who caught hold of this talent of Shahrukh.During the shooting of Darr there was a scene in which blood had to flow out of Shahrukh's nose to show him like a Psychopath but instead guess wat flowed?And as they say the rest is history.Shahrukh went on to do great things without a handkerchief.Man imagine with such showings on all hindi channels wat else do they do.Instead of watching that they better move out and help guys like us.Us is meant for people who are working,working so much that their work is getting as tight as their pants and ever increasing waistline does not help one's cause for such occasions.

There are certain rules and regulations one needs to follow on such momentous occasions.I vividly remember my V-days at college.It was the first year of my engineering and I wud like everyone of you to believe that I was a kid then and I had no knowledge about this fantasy world of valentines.I had worn Black and Black on that day and attended college.I still remember he lecture I got from my prof.I was taken aback by the resounding lecture I got,not only me everyone were 'cos everyone had worn peculiar colours that day.It was later that we realised that the prof. was setting his sights on a girl in our class.Well I was the sacrificial lamb that day.He had become a hero and I as always zero.It was later in the day that I came to know that each colour meant something and it was more complex than spectral analysis of white light.Here you go

Blue - Already loving someone but wud be still willing when my partner isnt around
Red - Single and more than willing to mingle
Green - I am a vegetarian and love nature..sorry I am available to everyone(sounds like chameli)
White - It stands for peace meaning I am not for anything 'cos I cant shag or do anything man.I am a mix of Karan Johar and Elton John
Yellow - I love the colour of shit..so I dont take all this shit..friendship
Black - I will fall only for a person who is deaf,dumb and blind and one who walks on hands and legs.. I only believe in animal sex
Hey do not categorise me in that Black section..I was innocent at that point in my love life.Wat if someone wore white and black?I will have sex with a bull.I guess all this has got to do with the Romans for a change.Somehow they started to celebrate this in the memory of Sage Valentine.It's good that the Romans started this because for everything we keep blaming Pakistan.India's population is ever increasing and reason..this is the work of the ISI who are spreading their wings and Legs and blah blah...Well in between all this on V-day there will be another big comedy unfolding.This would be mainly at Mumbai.I can bet on anything on the world that the most despo people in the world will have to be the Shiv Senaites.They wud be vandalising Mcdonald's year after year and no one even gives a damn.Mcdonalds himself allocates some glasses and tables so that they can break it withou any fuss.Poor guys why dont they understand girls will not give into Bhaashans on being a true Maratha Warrior.Poor fellows end up showing all their frustration on already broken tables.Guess I am more or less behaving like an idiot who has not got his share of glory.Just a feeling of myn that you neednt have a specific day to feel your love or tell someone about it.Anyday would do.But for all those people who have booked tables and got chocolates for your dear ones....have a blast.......Happy Valentine's day...... Take her to a nice place..good restaurant dim lights and jazz music..get a good gift..and get ready to burn money and most important dont use any of those lines from Shahrukh's movies... and yeah dont forget the roses especially the Red one's 'cos those are the only one's they sell today.As to what I would be doing today there is always a Sunny Deol movie on T.V. No matter what ever the occasion he would be fighting terrorists.His latest movie has a plot in which Pakistan Jasoos plan to strike at all clubs and parks which are hosting V-day celebrations.He has to foil it and keep up the good work and so do I.

Cheers
ashwin
P.S:- Plannin to ask my Dad to take my Mom out.I guess I already got the answer.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Offers galore

Long time it's been I guess.I am finding it tough to put in words.Now I can feel how Ganguly feels each time he goes in to bat.It's been nearly 45 days since I have written any of my usual crap.Here I am again having broken my self imposed exile from the writing world.Well to say the least lots of things have happened.Another year has gone by,but this was the first I took a resolution and even managed to achieve it on the 1st of Jan itself.Had a good clean haircut.The barber was of the opinion that there was enough hair on my head to build a nest.In between all this I was fortunate to watch a spectacle called Rang De Basanti.I had a great experience just watching the movie.No words would be enough I guess to describe the movie.And yes let me tell you the joke of the year so far.
Fact:Jayasurya was ruled out from the newzealand tour
Joke:He slipped in the bathroom while trying to shampoo a vastly uncultivated piece of land-his barren head..LOL the moment I heard this news I was in splits.He deserved to slip and fall I guess.May be from now even shampoos will have statutory warnings:Do not apply to bald head.

There has been a spurt of offers recently at all the shopping malls in Hyderabad.You can find all these advertisements,hoardings and all such stuff saying so and so discount and blah blah.I was always scared of this word 'upto'.Anywere I see "Discount upto 50%" outside any shopping mall,I manage to tell myself "Do not go in and make a fool out of yourself".Reason is they would give you 50% discount on undies and stinking socks and there would be 5% discount on a cool denim jacket.See this leads to potentially disastrous situations.But what if you saw a sign "Flat 50% off".Man I almost jumped when my friend told me about this offer.And guess what the offer was on Pepe.The offer was at country club,Begumpet.Man I was already thinking of getting couple a cool denims and was even planning to get my brother one.We reached the place and we were delighted seeing the collection.Add to the delight it was siesta time so not many people fooling around.We were left to ourselves.There were jeans of the cost 899 and I was like wow,after discount only 450 bucks.But to my dismay there was no changing room.There clothes and clothes around,no place to change.That was the time I thought of those golden days when my waist was a strict 30 and I could confidently pick anything and keep moving.Now alas it is 34 and still showing no signs of stopping.So to my extreme discomfort ,on the suggestion of the brain dead owner I decided to try that jeans standing behind a bench.The thing was htere were no females until that point.The moment I striiped myself and had the Pepe one on,yo out of the blue there stepped in 2 damsels.God it was a horrible position to be in.The shop owner asking me to somehow strip the Pepe off and me caught between shyness and shame.It is exactly at such kinda moments that girls start talking about lemonade and serials.This is what exactly happened.
Owner:Sir plzz theeyandi sir...theeyandi maane remove in telugu(In a hushed tone)
Me:Hey boss paanch minute dhenaa..plzzz mere baap
Owner:5 more minutes u wear that u have to pay for it
Me:Un ladikiyo ko jaane de..mein tere liye nangaa naach bhi karronga..paanch minute mere baap

In the mean time I was standing like a japanese flowervase and cursing myself and the owner.These girls wont leave.They called another female and told her to rush down immediately to country club..Oh god I started visualising myself like a male strip dancer in a all women's club..And at last they moved out and I have never seized an opportunity as gladly ever in my life.Well this was not the end of it.And after regaining lost ground and getting back my composure I asked the owner to get the bill.Those females were watching and with all my grace I asked the owner"U accept card kyaa?".The owner replied in the affirmative.As he was about to scratch the card on the machine something caught my eye.The bill was reading 1798 only.WTF was goin on I only took 2 jeans.I managed to stop the owner and I told him the bill was wrong.It was then that idiot explained to me that the price was 899 after the discount.Oh god another embarassment before the fairer sex.Well this has always been the case.I learnt a lesson I guess girls and offers are never lucky for me.And when together-Dont read it girls for offer or girls on offer they are always elusive....
P.S:Will write something better the next time,now that valentine's day is approaching
ashwin
There was an error in this gadget