Wednesday, December 13, 2006

THE CHENNAI EXPRESS

A railway station to me is one of the most fascinating places to be in.Every emotion,every reaction,even the slightest twinge of the muscle can be seen and felt at any railway station.The Secunderabad railway station is no different from any of it's fellow stations.Enter ino it during the peak evening time you will be engulfed in a sea of humanity along with it's residue 'sweat'.No deo can work wonders at railway stations unless and until say its of the kind like Ooty.The moment you enter the platform ou can see the Red army doing their job.The porters are really one of their kind.I happened to spot an old porter standing beside me and I asked him politely "Miyaan s2 coach kahan pe aayega?".Pat comes the reply "Chashme pehen ke bhi dikhta nahin hain kyaa tere ko?,woh dekh oopar woh board pe lite jal raha hain,wahan se patah kar le....".There was silence for a brief moment as he was sizing me up and I was more than relieved that his tirade was over and then as if as an after thought he says "Kandol" and quietly moves away.Well as he suggested I found s2 quite comfortably.It was then that I looked into my ticket and to my utter disgust found that my seat no was 72.Not again I cursed myself.The toilet jinx seemed to continue.How ever hard I try, beating all laws of probability my seat always ends up just beside the toilet where people come and stand all the while spitting pan or taking their shirts off to get their sweat off.No second thoughts about where all that smell goes.Right from class VII the jinx had started.My class was just next to the rest rooms(I'll refrain from saying toilet) and there it was till 10th.It was temporary respite for a couple of years during higher secondary but the jinx caught on at college.

Every train journey from then seemed to be either in seat no 1-8 or 64-72 and now I was cornered again as usual.Wondering whether I should tie a kerchief around my nose like a terrorist,I silently slipped my baggage under the seat and settled down.As it happens you always dream of having a hot chick beside you but such things happen only in movies and in Chetan Bhagat's novels.I was just scanning the people around me.There was this loud mouthed kid who was sayin things which was making me LOL.It was the chachi of that kid I guess who was repeatedly asking her "Beti,Pakistan kahan pe hain?" and that kid hardly 4 years old looks here and there as if to see whether her mom is watching her slowly whispers back "Mere skirt ke andar" and chuckles.Laughter everywhere.A hand comes out of no where and thud it lands on the child's cheek.Her mom shrieks "Bhabhi use bigadiye mat!"(Dont spoil her, as if she already isnt).The child now is really angry and she shoots back "Pakistan mere skirt ke andar hi hain,main aise hi chillaoongi".Laughter changes to howling.Her mom is left red faced in embarassment.Kids do trouble man!All this laughter was dying down slowly in the constant whirring of the engine.It was time to go.You could see faces of expectancy,anguish,fear everything around people as they sent off their beloved one's.Well atlast I thought,the train started to move late as usual by 10 minutes.Everyone was quite except for that kid who was still foul mouthing Pakistan.I was laughing silently.I dont know if all the trains would have good engine drivers but every train would definitely have a TT who would accept a bribe.That's the only advantage of sitting beside the entrance I would rather say as you can see all the under the table dealings.There was once this arguement over what TT abbreviated to and there were different full forms coming out and then came the master one.One of my friends calmly said "I know what TT is...".He gave a pause to as if signify his point and then said "Ticket Ticket".Kraaaa Thooooooooooo everyone did in unison.The ticket collector for my compartment looked more like a groundnut seller than a TT.I dint know whether he was checking tickets or selling them.As he was checking everyone's ticket he asked the 4 year old kid "beti tumhare Mummy papa kahan hain,ticket dekhna hain".Pat came the reply.Howling once again.The TT cursed himself and left.

There not many things you can do while sitting in a train and that too when you are in the stomach stirring presence of the Indian Railways toilet.So I decided it was time for music and videos.So I just slipped my Ipod on and started to watch Virrumaandi.Everything was going fine.There were some curious faces around me who were trying to fathom what it was.One guy said it was a T.V. and the other seemed to say it was a computer.People were just throwing glances at it as they crossed and went to the toilets or for a fag.It was sometime later that the mother of the kid realised that there was a way to handle her child.She smilingly looked at me and said "Dekho uncle T.V. dekh rahe hain,tum bhi jaake dekho".Fuck you pot head whose uncle am I.And for people who dont know about Virumaandi,it is a KamalHaasan movie and I neednt tell you what wouldnt be there in a kamal movie.It was just one of the scenes where kamal is sitting on the steps leading into a well and talking with the heroine,that the kid and her mother peep over my shoulder to see the T.V.And then there goes Kamal.Teary eyed,kamal gives a long smooch to the heroine.Long enough for the mother to throw a glance at me which I thought said something like "You child rapist asshole!".I cudnt do anything other than say "Chalo doosri picture dikhaata hoon"(I'll show u another movie).Her mom pulled her kid away and must've thought "this guy is some sophisticated kidnapper,he'll take video and photo of my kid and do something with it".Well what do I say?There was a middle aged couple travelling with me.It was then that I observed there were more no. of people than the no. of seats.It was dé·jà vu.I knew what was going to happen and what was coming.

In all likelyhood I would be asked to exchange my seat with someone sitting at the last compartment.People asking me to exchange seats thought it was very simple carrying my luggage all the way.They asked me stating reasons like I am youth(one second unc(u)le and next youth!) and I was single and blah blah.That was what exactly happened.
Middle Aged Woman(MAW):Are you travelling alone?
Me:No,me and my baggage
MAW:Oh,ur so funny..he he..Just like my hubby..i like funny people
Me:Sorry ur hubby is staring at me
MAW:Oh thats alrite.. c na me and my hubby have different seats..my hubby cant do without me..
There from the corner of my eye I saw her hubby looking at her and I thought it said something like "Lying bitch,she needs me for blowing her air pillow"
MAW:See we are old ppl and my coach is s14.... can u shift there?you are youth(Yuck) and u dont have any b'ful wife like me..so shift there na...
Me:yaa ok I'll move.
I was already thinking "s14 is a 1km jog..donno if i'll make it".So I started to bid farewall to my journey mates and as I was searching for my water bottle I muttered to myself "Were is the bottle?I kept it here only".Pat came the reply, this time almost in a robotic tone.Howling once again.

12 comments:

cartic said...

Nice post da.. lolzed a lot

Sameera said...

nice post da ashwin

humourous...liked reading it

Arjun said...

hehe...nice 1...saale the role u'd played was actually me.....u robbed it n also xcluded me frm it[>:P]

Gayathri said...

Absolutely rolling-on-the-floor-laughing material. Fantastic narration. Sad that no innocence remains in most kids these days...

ashwin sundar said...

@cartic & @ sam:Nice to know u ppl loved it and it was humourous..thanx
@jun:My dear brother ur memory ahs become weak!
@gayatri:The innocence still remains but sadly it seems to be supressed

smruthi said...

hey itz really good one....very very humorous

Anush said...

looks like u r always in trouble :)

haarika said...

awesomw post re.... great mixture of imagination and experience......

Aru said...

good one man..!!.. Liked the conversation part !

Chethana said...

Good. Not your best, though.

anu said...

ROFL....!!!! Tht ws hillarious dude!!...njoyed evry bit of it!!!!

Abhinav said...

ROTFL..Was your seat S14 nest to the toilets as well :P ..

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