Friday, March 17, 2006

HOLI HAII

The road seemed to be peacefully quiet and all I could feel was the wind blowing across my face and the ruffling of the leaves.Everything was so strange.Was I drunk?There were hardly people out on the roads not even the buffalo who always gave me a strange look and dumped dung indicating his love for me.The indecissive woman who dint know if a single packet of Parle-G was enough for her kindergarten kids also seemed to be missing.I was wondering had her sons packed her off to school.Atlast I saw the buffalo and was waiting for the customary shit-off.It was then that I realised that one of the horns of this shit producing mammal was coloured.It was something like pink and green.It was then it struck me.Holiii fuckk.My job has been screwing my senses numb but I never thought it wud take me down to this level.I was the only asshole who was working even on Holi.As a kid I remember being scared of playing holi.The reason was I was a thin little kid(long long ago) and was immensely intimated by so many people running around crazily.It seemed to be like a war.The only thing I dared to do was take a colour chalk peice and immerse it in water and throw it on my mother.My mom would be proud of her little kid playing holi with her.But as my age grew so did the body and the feeling of intimidation seemed to be vanishing away.I dont remember when exactly but I think it was class 6 or 7 that I started to play with colours.Not that there was any rule that holi was supposed to be played only after reaching puberty.From that moment on I loved to play holi.It was one day when I could get away with anything.Even the eves dint mind me that day..that was a real bonus.

There was this religious practise of filling up balloons with coloured water and firing it like missiles all around the place from my terrace.If it hit someone u would have to encounter pleasantries even though it was holi.So the safest persons to hit were the dogs and the buffaloes.Many guys had this vision of turning Shahrukh on the day of holi.Some of them would plan extremely brilliant things like using the gulal as sindoor thinking they would win over their girl in the heat of the moment.He He..it never got anywere.It ended up only in a tight slap.But the beauty was you could apply some more and shout holi haii..no one were left with answers for these antics.It was a rule that none should be spared and one could see many people transforming into cartoon figures.If you are as smart as vijaykanth then god save you..sorry even holi cant affect such people.Their tales of valour and courage are well known.People keep asking why holi isnt played with the same fervour in Tamilnadu.There was a time when people used to play holi even there with the same intensity.But on one holi Vijaykanth a.k.a Captain decided to hit the streets.And guess what he drank what ever was sprayed at him.It still remains a world record for drinking 5 million gallons of coloured water in a day spread across a state.The previous record was held by J.Jayalalitha who drank a record 3.5 million gallons.She says thats the reason she's so slim.No wonder people out there dont play holi that much 'cos before they start playing everything is over.So to beat JJ's record was quite some achievement.When asked about how he managed to acheive such a colossol feat all he had to say was it was just like drinking Madras Municipal Corporation water+Rasna..wow that was real cool..he even added the secret of his colour was holii..sorry for deviating from the topic.But for those of you who do not know who captain is,he is the 3rd biggest comedian in the Indian Film Industry.The first one being Mithun and the second Sunny Deol.Deol edges out captain for the sole reson that he remakes captains films in Hindi.
Here are some FAQ's on holi..

1. What is a Pichkaari:It is a very sophisticated instrument developed in the early 18th century
for injecting an elephants ass.It wasnt very useful there so people decided to use it here but even its time is running out as Captain proved it impotent
2.Why every Hindi movie has a Holi Song:The basic thing is everyone wants to enjoy the director the hero the heroine so wen u have a holi song in the name of colours they end up doing Raam Jaane..and if the director is someone like Subash Ghai he would have a rain dance to wipe all the colours off,the reason being simple.He neednt wash all those clothes hence saving the cost on Ariel and wooing audience on the name of rain dance.
3.What is the average cost of Gulal:It mite just cost more than a condom..I think
4.Then y dont they play in Chennai:Reason has been mentioned above,not that TN is money stricken but the thing that captain has attributed Gulal as the secret for his Kashmir Apple colour,the ppl of chennai have started to throw mud on each other as a sign of playing holi
5.What would happen if I drank the holi water:You would become as smart as captain..so dont try it
6.Why do people play holi:In india you do not need reasons for celebrations..but historians the festival was celebrated to mark the release the world famous newspaer Deccan Chronicle which carried the following as its headlines in the opening edition "Boy and Pig have sex - A snake called Anaconda is born"
7.What is Baang:Oh no how did I ever forget to mention this....

I dont know if I got the speeling of Baang of rite but I know for sure what it can do.Baang is one of those queer Indian preparations which is considered divine on the day of holi and illegal during the rest of the year.A holi without Baang is like Morse Code without dots and dashes.It's suposed to contain some narcotics bundles along with badam and pista.It gives such an effect that you can count the bones in your spine forward when you look down.Another practise which took place was the holika.It was the bonfire.As holi generallz arrived in the mid of march in Hzd generallz things start to get heated up at that time.So u feel like a fool going around those fires and feel even more hot.Well in my flats there were so many people that there was a mad scramble for the holika.Rest assured that we would either put out the flames by our collective stink or someones balls would go for a roast.There are many stories about Baang.But the one which always comes to my mind is the one that happened at my hostel.My friend irrespective of my warnings had 2 balls of baang and was rendered into a bumbling bag of laughable shit.He kept smiling and laughing as if he had won the Olympic medal for India.But gosh he dint stop with that.He went to the loo all alone...well thats what he does generally but on that special day he was so attracted by the floors of the hostel bathroom that he decided to fall flat on his face thinking he could balance himself like Rajnikanth..but alas he lost a tooth.In memory of that incident we dug up a grave and put to rest his tooth that had suffered all these years .Whenever he smiled it looked like a check post with only one-half blocked and the remaining empty.It looked like a cave with Stalagmites and stalagtides.And he was compared with one tooth monsters and it was like a bridge for air to go in.He had a real chance of being the only human to carry an extra channel to take in air.But inspite of our requests he got himself a dupicate which is as good as a chewing gum.And baang has this strange thing of making a person do the same thing in a loop.Imagine if Sunny deol had baang my god he would uttering Pakistan Murdabad and keep screaming through the night.As to what I did this holi I played a bit at office until the security had to come over and politely inform us that this a S/W firm not some playground.Well we S/W guys are one unprivileged class...Happy belated holi...

cheers
ashwin

11 comments:

Sriram said...

Thank god u stopped there!!!

cartic said...

baang n mors cod comparison..thaali.. venne.. Bang and bong ..samma combo da.. well I know ..one day u will continue this story to what bongs' afraid off..ooh ramesu... ask that xtra to read this.. he will garland u ..sure !!.. dai ...lion of south vijaykanth ..how dare u giv 3rd rank to him ..huh ..u'r not fully aware of his pwrs da...

ganty said...

no comments

DAYA said...

I think you could have also mentioned our very own Trichy American - J O A N
Remeber he went to some one's room and took a bottle :-)
Anyway mention about the great --<
M A P P U
adds more colour to this blog :-)

Freak-Y said...

damn man, u really had to work on holi :O!! what kinda place is that anyways :D. and u always have a funny way of putting things. :p


and abt giving captain 3rd rank, u forgot telugu industry :O!! balakrishna!! daymm dude, u shud catch up with some of his movies ;)

the FAQs were funny too :)

sairam said...

hmm nalla topic ana beware thala vijayaganth tha pathi thappa pesathinga namma varungala mudhalavar :)

Arjun said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Arjun said...

dei u shudnt hv given sriram a chance 2 thank god da!!!shud hv ritten bout this yrs incident 2!!!!n the way mom reacted 2 everythin as though u gave them cyanides instead of baang!!!nice blog all toghether......

Arti Honrao said...

:) Jus to tell ya I was here ;;)
[Late to say holi hai ...]



GBU
Arti

Anoop said...

dude, did n't have the audacity to read the entire blog..
whatever the content is - must appreciate u for filling up so much space..

Anonymous said...

stalactities, IMHO, m-w.com could help, along with IT, Hyd, IMAX and an ill gotten engineering degree. Huh.

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