Tuesday, April 06, 2010

300ml Down

I feel very giddy right now. What do you expect after you are 300ml down? I can see angels swimming all round me, well they aren't angels exactly, HR people to be more precise. The weird thing about all this is, it happened right at office. Can you beat that? My boss knows I am 300ml down and he is pretty cool about it. While I am finding my way about in the corridor, people are asking me a concerned "Are you OK?".Before you start sending me your 'Achieved strategic turnaround for my project in less than turnaround time' type CV's in the hope that you too can be 300ml down during office hours with the consent of your male boss (I've never had a female boss), let me clear the air.

I am 300ml down in the total blood content in my body. This would be a real shock cum surprise for my mother who believes that the Coovam's tributary flows through my body. The reason for the loss of 300ml of blood in my body is not due to me slashing wrists for some imaginary lover nor did I get whacked by some HR colleague of mine. There was a mail this morning which stated that some children needed blood and if you have blood running in your veins (Coovam in my case), Just Do It. I could sense the blood rising in me just like the Coovam does when it rains in Chennai. I could imagine all those children rallying in the streets chanting my name, the strong saviour, the Coovam Warrior, the Subhash Chandra Bose who gave his blood. Well you get the idea. This stirred me into action and I went straight to the conference hall where the blood donation camp was being organized. I walked in like Madhavan in Anbe Sivam and said "Take My Blood". I was promptly thrown out by the Doctor who asked me to first take my shoes off and come in.

I was given a form where I had to disclose extremely sensitive information like weight, sex life (WTF????). I saw one guy throwing me the "Ha Ha you loser look", at which point I felt like asking him "Do you do it with Men?" but wisely decided not to as I could get booked under "Disrespect for Article 377". With such embarrassment of riches, I filled the form and stepped inside. I was asked to lie down on the bed and fold my sleeves up. It was precisely at this point that I decided to ask the most important question. "How much blood will you like take doctor?". I was already nervous by this point. The doctor said that they would draw 300ml, not a ml more nor less.

Shit! That was equivalent to 5 large's of whisky. I was also hoping that they had the measurer with them, the bar measurer you know 60ml on the top, 30ml by the bottom. That is the only metric in the world that I would trust my life upon not even those one's in the French Museum. But alas there was no measurer here and I had to be content with the plastic bottle where my blood would be collected.There was a gentle prick on my left hand and before I knew it it was flowing drop by drop. I realized that at this rate it would take an hour before I was done. So I decided to strike conversation with the doc.

Me: Say Doc if my blood finds it way to some unfortunate kid, will he/she behave like me by any remote chance?
Doc: No chance, nothing of that sort will happen. Why do you ask?
Me: No I am a little worried if I would find some stranger kid running up to me and calling me Appa.
Doc: (Pauses for a minute) There is no chance of that happening. Your file says your sex life is non-existent and we don't disclose to anyone whose blood they are being transfused with.
Me: ?@#*&^%$.

This was a true Don't-Open-Your-Mouth-Again moment. But alas I did it again but in a different way. Realizing that I would only add to my long list of Most Embarrassing Moments I decided to keep quite and started staring at the bottle containing my blood. It was at this time I started doing a segmentation analysis of my blood content. If the 300ml were broken down into parts, I am sure it would consist of the following :-
1. Absinthe - 60ml (Ha Ha I have been having Absinthe. Take that you losers)
2. Whisky - 60ml
3. Beer - 60ml
4. Coovam - 60ml
5. Sambhar - 60ml
The last one being due to my fondness for Sambhar especially the one prepared by Amma. Once I had done this segmentation, I was thinking at the kind of target audience that they had to find. You don't find Absynth too easily in India, so I rule that out. Whisky and Beer, yes. Any Tom, Dick & Harry would fit the bill. Like minded shameless, getting scolded my mother types would fit the bill for Coovam. The last one is the easiest. Any mama/mami in and around Mylapore would fit the bill.

But this takes us to other important questions like this blood was going to be transfused to poor, unsuspecting, soon to be hero worshipping me children. Before you get all worked up, they check for alcohol content in the blood and mine was stamped as Agmark Pure Quality, the blood I meant. And i forget to mention, through all this I managed to sleep for a while. And to my shock I see some random guy clicking away my pic to glory. I was lying there open mouth, jollu vazhinjufying (Salivating), one arm in needle and an idiot clicked me right on such a pose. I have a feeling that the doctor might have made money by asking all the employees to stand in a line to watch this magificient spectacle. I asked the idiot to pass the camera to me and found the picture of mine that was taken. Unfortunately it was a fundoo camera and it looked like I was trying to fondle a three boobed woman rather than a person trying to locate the delete option.

If there is one thing I have learnt from all of this - A gadget is a source of perennial embarrassment to me. I better stick to my Sony Ericsson camera. Sigh.

P.S. : I did manage to delete the picture after some random pressing of buttons :-). Aall Izz Well.


arjun said...

decent one da...didn't flow as good as you'd want it to!!

sutty this wasn't true was it?!?! coz i dread the day u will donate blood!!

harika..... said...


quartyc said...

aama apdiye sony Ericsson camera la thalaivaru poondhu velayadra maari...
btw..the other day accent*** interview la they asked this 'extremely sensitive' information da. Innum konja naalla public toilet use panrathuku kooda keka poranga paaru...

and what a lie about ur boss' da !